Is it love? - Ryan. Dangerous to Love.

Tell me the truth

The next morning was one of the worst ones in my life. I felt extreme pain. The pills helped me through the night but their effects are running out. I had a nightmare that woke me up and Ryan as well but of course he could calm me down. I can't imagine my life without him. There's no one in this whole world who can calm me that easily that he can. He is still asleep. I guess he didn't want to leave me alone so he decided to leave later. I should go to the office as well. I know I have hell of a pain but with medicines I can manage. I need to work. It is him who gave me that load of work that I can hardly manage.
I try to sit up and I can manage it with enough pain. I need to get ready somehow. And I need painkillers. Just not yet. I wait until the pain is unbearable. Those painkillers mess with my head, I need to be clear headed for work so I try to bear the pain in my legs and specifically my wrist.
As I got to the kitchen to drink a tea, Ryan was next to me in a second.
"Why have you gotten up? You should be in bed. Telling me what you need."
He sounds worried and calming at the same time. He strokes my arm and gently hugs me from behind.
"I need to work. I have deadlines. Don't have time for pain. "
I could see it in his eyes that I have no chance of leaving the house today.
"You won't go in. That's for sure. Kate. Don't be stubborn. You need to rest. You deal with too much pain, you need those pills too."
He could see that I was in pain but refused to get treatment. I can't tell him that I just can't get them. I don't want them. I don't want my head to be messed up. I don't want addiction.  Never again. I faced him.
"I can manage without them. Just let me go to work. I can't be alone."
I just lowered my head but he put his finger under my chain to raise it.
"Who told you that you will be alone love? I'll be here with you. I told you I won't leave you alone. Come back to bed."
I started shaking my head. It can't be. He doesn't just stay at home. His work is much more important than that.
"You are planning on staying home as well? You don't have to Ryan. You have important work to do. And you're the one who knows it best. "
He smiled and came closer.
"And I have a fiancèe who is the most important in my whole world. Don't ever think Kate that any job is more important than you. If I need to be next to you, I sure will be. Without asking. And you know me too well. I didn't take a day off,  I just work from home. So you can be in bed,and I can work next to you. Deal?"
He is soo sweet. Can I love anyone the way I love this man? He is so protective. I would be happy if he would have been there yesterday.  Those memories are haunting me. I shiver. But as he noticed it, he pulled me to an embrace and kissed my forehead. I realise I have a question to answer.
"In one condition. If I can work a bit too. "
He doesn't look happy about it.
"Ryan, I have too much work to do. I can hardly manage it with plus hours. I can't take a day off."
He feels that I am tense. And of course he sees behind my words.
"Is it too much? I can arrange.."
Oh shit. Now he knows that I can hardly manage my work.
"No. You don't have to. It's just hard,okay? Don't wanna talk about it. "
But I know this man way too much that he pushes the topic.
"Why don't you talk to me? You can tell me everything.  I can help.."
Than again I broke. I got so angry and tears just came from my eyes. 
"I don't wanna talk to you.  Guess why? Cause I am a disappointment. I can't arrange everything,no one respects me,they don't do the things I order them to do,and no one answers my fucking emails. Happy? And you also should have talked to me about everything but yesterday proved that you don't talk to me either."
I started walking away but I am not so fast with these injuries. He came next to me and stroked my neck and planted kisses onto it. I couldn't keep my mouth shut. Now we have one more thing to be angry about. But not him. He doesn't show any signs of anger. Not today. He protects me at every field, even at the emotional one.
" I am sorry. I hurt you again. I always hurt you. I didn't give you all the help I could.  I didn't realise what deep water I just dropped you in.  And I am truly sorry for it. Don't ever tell me that you are a disappointment. You could let me help. Not working instead of you but with you. It's not making you worse if you accept help.  And yeah. I should have told you a lot. But understand Kate, the more you know,the more danger I put you in. I can't tell you everything. You would live all your days in worry and fear. There are people who we should be afraid of and people who are just easy players. And I am the one making that decision which group they belong to. And I made a huge mistake. That you suffer the consequences. And I will never forgive myself for that. I just can't tell you everything. For your own safety."
I thought that I can calm down but now I just got more sad and angry.
"For my safety? What safety Ryan? Do I look like who was safe? We decided to face everything when we made our relationship public. But you are still keeping secrets from me."
He just stepped closer to me and said in a cold voice:
"And you don't? You don't keep any secrets from me? What is with the pills for example? Do you think I don't notice anything? You never even have medicines for a headache. You are dealing with that amount of pain that is unbearable. And you are the one without secrets."

I fall silent. He knows what I am doing. I can't tell him. I just can't. I turn away. But for once more he doesn't let me. I start sobbing. And than it just erupts.
But now not with anger. But with shame. He leads me to the sofa and I say it as a whisper:
"I had an addiction. When I was 16.  And depression. And attempts.  Many.  "
I lowered my head once again. But something happened. His tears flow.
"I am sorry Ryan . Don't feel bad. It was in the past. But it's not something I can forget. "
But than he started speaking. 
"They want to end my company. I got letters telling me to stop the work at the IT field. We got some serious improvements with Colin on stopping child pornography. Yes, I didn't tell you about it cause you can see it's  hard business. We risk everything but so far so good.  But they own this field.  They told me to stop this immediately cause it will have consequences but fuck, I even met with that company's CEO. We figured out that they run a fake company to cover for it but we don't have enough evidence against them. I have never thought that they would hurt you. I am so sorry. "
I have never seen my man this broke before.  He feels so guilty but it wasn't him who hurt me. 
"You weren't the one hurting me."
"Not physically but emotionally all the time. Kate, I should have paid attention to you more.  I just got so angry all the time because of the lack of proof. And putting all of us in danger. I wanna be next to you. All the time.  And for your secret.  I am grateful that you told me but I would never let you fall. You can have only one addition and that's me honey.  Please tell me everything. I try to be more open as well.  Promise.  "

And he kissed me with passion. He opened himself so much like never before.  So I just want this day to be without any arguments. 
"You can work next to me but I will work on my laptop too from bed.  Right? "
"Sounds like a deal.  But you take your pills when you need them okay?"
I tiptoe to him and kiss him.
"Deal."

We have breakfast together,me just a green  tea and some fruit. He insists on me eating something more but I refuse. I am not at an emotional state to feel hungry.
We get back to bed and he gets his work as well as me mine.
Than the ice breaks for me and finally I ask for help.
"Ryan?" I ask not to disturb him.
"Love? Do you need anything?" Of course he is the kindest.
"I need a favour. Could you please send a group mail to these company contacts? To tell them that the water purification project is handled by me and send them my address to look forward to get mails from me. Maybe they will start communicating."
He is impressed. He snuggles to me and gives a kiss to my cheeks.
"Of course baby. See? You just asked something that I should have already thought of. It should have been my responsibility to inform them. So send me the contacts and I'll reach them. I am happy you asked for help. "
I put my head to his chest and said a thanks.

As he sent the info out,I got immediate replies. The work is flowing. We needed that argument. No. We never need arguments.  We need honesty. And we both used that today.
It was around 1 PM that I felt really bad. My head was aching together with every injuries. Ryan noticed it immediately.
"Hey. What's wrong? You feel bad? You really need that painkiller darling. Don't pretend else. "
I know he is right. As always. I worked more than I should have. Not eaten and not taken any painkillers. What do I expect?
"I get to the kitchen to get them. I really need them now. I'll be back in a minute."
"I can take them for you.  Don't move. "
I protest. I want to do it. I can take care of myself. I stand up at the same time as he does but I just feel dizzy. My head hurts a lot. As I lose balance, Ryan is next to me at instant to secure me.
"What's wrong? Hey, lay back. Are you all right? You look pale. I should get a doctor. It's not good that you keep so dizzy. "
He worries all the time but this time I got worried as well. It was long time ago that I lost balance like that and it was after getting too much to drink. But I have a phobia of doctors. I just need rest. I convince myself about that.
"It's all right Ryan. I just need some medicines and a glass of water. I worked too much,I guess. But it was really worth it. "
He doesn't look happy.
"Nothing worths your health, remember that love. You sure you don't need anything else? You haven't eaten all day.  "
"Not hungry."
He shakes his head but plants a kiss to my forehead.
"Don't get up. I'll be back in a minute."
And he got my pills and so as I took them I wanted to start work but it was the time that I could see that he made a decision that bears no arguments.
"No, Kate. That was enough work for today. Let the pills take their effects and rest. And don't start to protest. Cause in that case I need to use up your extra energy to something else. "
He winked at me and took my laptop and put it aside. Than I laughed to myself and cuddled up to him. Minutes later I was falling asleep,my head on his shoulders,clinging to her like I could fall off from a cliff by letting him go. But I felt like it too. He is my safety rope that keeps me from falling. I hear his words before I fall completely asleep:
"Sleep my angel. I love you more than anything."