Is it love? - Ryan. Dangerous to Love.

Nightmare

Ryan's POV.

The evening was the best in this hell of a week so far. She looked so peaceful and joyful. But of course it didn't last long. She finally ate something thanks to the pizza order and watched more than half of the show and than fell asleep. But she looked like she could relax a bit. Tomorrow will be hard for her as well as for me. I am trying my best to be next to her but as I told her I can only help if she lets me. I hoped that her peace remains for tomorrow but I had to be wrong again. I woke up at the middle of the night for her cause she was having a bad nightmare.
"Shhh.. calm down baby,I am here right next to you. Everything's alright."

I tried to embrace her cause she was tossing in bed and crying. It wasn't easy to wake her up. This depression doesn't let her be free. Whenever she gets better,it invades her in her dreams.
When she finally wakes up, she hugs me as tight as she can. She is terrified.
"Calm down love. Please try to calm down. You are scaring me. Tell me what was it"

I am really scared for her. I know she is stressed but she never had a nightmare like this before.
As she slowly got better, she needed to breathe slower as well and she started  to talk finally:
"It was terrible. The accident all over again. And all the memories after. I am afraid Ryan. I don't want any of these feelings back in my life. I don't want to be weak again and I am terrified of even the thought of the hospital."

I could guess that tomorrow can be responsible for her state but it really scares me as well that she is this afraid. I could calm her a bit by just caressing her hair and her neck and holding her tight.
"I am here Kate. You must lean on me. You are not able to carry this alone. But you are still trying to. You need to strengthen yourself but it will only happen if you let us help you. "

As I was embracing her, I felt that her forehead is extremely hot.
"Let me measure your temperature."

She has a fever. Again. She is dealing with so much mental problems that it puts a pressure on her physical state as well. Tomorrow won't end the best as I can guess. She shouldn't have a fever now at this point. But I am not making predictions.
I put an extra blanket onto her and let her snuggle to me and I watch and caress her as she hardly falls asleep again.

It is 6 am already. She had her nightmare around 1 at night but she wasn't ready to fall asleep for a long time. And after she could finally fall asleep,I couldn't. I was terrified for her. Maybe I slept 2 hours maximum but that was all I could get this night. But I am not complaining. I wanted to be next to her and make her sleep as peaceful as I could.
James expected us around 9 so at 8 I had to wake her to try to get her eat something and get ready. Of course she couldn't eat anything but I put a chocolate bar and some water into her handbag in case she gets sick.
She is extremely anxious of course but I can see that she's trying.

When we arrive at the hospital,she doesn't say a word. She hasn't said anything on the way here either. She is scaring me and looks like she's on edge.
"I am here babe. I won't leave you. Not even if you have to stay. I will stay with you no matter what. Just don't shut me out. Like you are doing now. You promised me, remember?"

She finally answered me:
"I am sorry Ryan. Yes,I promised. But it's not something I can control. It got out of my hands. It controls me. Fear and anxiety controls me all over again. I don't know what to do. I just don't wanna stay here, don't wanna go in. "

"I know sweetheart. I know. And I would be the happiest to tell you what to do but I just can't. All I can tell you is that you must accept whatever happens and not run away from it. If you have to stay in, you must accept it that it's for your safety and well being.  And believe me that I will stay with you okay? Everything has a reason. And we must always accept the situations because they have a role in our lives. Let's say today's role is to make you overcome some of your fears. I know this won't just work out a 100% that's for sure. And you shouldn't believe either that you will go in and forget that you ever felt fear. No. It won't be like that. And you know that. That's why you are afraid. You need to know that I don't expect you to be fearless and I definitely don't expect you to not be on edge. Cause we all have a limit how many steps can we take at once. And you expect too much from yourself. So let's just say we are trying right? One step is enough for today. Try not to concentrate on all the surroundings that screams that it's a hospital. And breathe slowly and try to avoid a panic attack. That's all I ask for today. Tell me when you feel that it slipped out of your control. "