Is it love? - Ryan. Dangerous to Love.

Baby steps..but in which direction?

Kate's POV.

I love him. He made me feel like never before. I never paid attention how much Ryan loves me. He is right. I never believed that he loves me because I never believed someone could love me. He was the gentlest when touching me,kissing me. His kisses were full of love and tenderness  and passion at the same time. It's not easy to believe that I deserved even a little bit of it. My head is full with everything. These memories,pleasures but pain and an awesome amount of guilt because of hurting Matt. I have to talk to him. But as I was just hurting myself with my feelings and thoughts thanks to God (and the meds) that I have fallen asleep. When I woke up I wasn't in the living room, I was in the bedroom alone. I started panicking at instant that Ryan is not next to me. I wanted to get up and search for him but I am not risking,my head is killing me. I am at the second day of this treatment so they should have their effectiveness' peek around this time and I can absolutely feel it. I never had this serious of a headache. So I am not brave enough or not reckless to get up and maybe hurt myself. But I need Ryan. So I just shout to him,and panick won over me:
"Ryan, where are you? Ryan?"

But as I thought he was not far away and rushed into the room.
"Heey,what's wrong? I heard you shouting. Is everything all right? You feel worse?"

Ryan's voice was absolutely full of worry and panick. He rushed to our bed and took me in his arms immediately. I was thinking about his question. I really needed to think over the answer. I just realised that I was never a hundred percent honest with anyone. I was always telling everyone what they wanted to hear. Did I feel worse? Absolutely. And should I tell it to Ryan?
He could see that I am thinking about the answer so he reassured me to do so.
"Tell me honey. You know you can tell me."

And I just needed his reassuring to talk.
"I was scared. You weren't here. And yeah I feel worse,my head kills me,it never hurt that much before. And Ryan. I need to talk to Matt. Please call him over. I really need that talk. No matter how I feel,I will feel better after that. And I rest until he comes. Please. "

I was nearly begging but it wasn't needed. Ryan just told me:
"Alright babe. You can't have your pills for another 4 hours so I make a call to James asking what we can do with your headache. And I call Matt immediately. I know you need him as well. And he needs you too. I really hope you don't overstress yourself. I'll be back in a minute." He kissed my forehead and got out of the room. I need to think everything over what I will say to Matt. It will be extremely hard I know. I truly hurt him. And with everything I am planning to tell him maybe I will hurt him more. I need to tell him that I was too afraid to trust him and I need to tell him about Brad. He deserves to know everything. As well as Lisa. But I am not ready for that. I am sure that they are the three most important people in my life and Matt and Ryan must know everything. But with Lisa. I am afraid. It's different telling to a girl,your best friend that you were raped and wanted to commit suicide several times. Maybe I am ashamed in front of Lisa. But I love her so so much. Maybe that's why I didn't tell her. With Ryan and Matt,I knew they will just trying to make me stronger,but with Lisa. Lisa's love is different. Love between girls is deeply connected. And I knew that if I tell her everything, I am breaking her heart. I wasn't keeping it as a secret because I didn't trust her but I fear for her. I am so worried that she is the most understanding person in my life that she will share my pain. And she doesn't deserve it that's for sure. But I need to tell her that too. I need to talk to her too. Jesus,maybe she thinks that I don't love her or she is not important for me. When it's the opposite. She means too much for me. And she is the type to cry together with you. I am not putting my weight to her shoulder even if she wants it.
I am glad that Ryan is back. He tells me that James was worried a bit and told him that we should not ignore any pain,just pay high attention to my state,measuring my blood pressure and calling when something is not normal. He told the exact numbers to Ryan when we must go into the hospital. I still think that I can ignore that. I am not ready. So not ready. I can only take baby steps towards my emotional healing and talking about everything and opening up in front of Ryan and soon Matt is a big enough step for this day. Ryan also told me that Matt will come in two hours so I keep my promise and I rest till that so I give myself the chance to fall asleep.
And learning from my last bad waking up,Ryan just snuggles next to me.
"You are not leaving?"

And he just smiled and kissed me on my cheek.
"No sweetheart, I am not leaving you this time. One bad waking up is enough for a day. And I made some progress already today on our case so I can rest watching you sleep. And no, don't ask questions now. After you slept and talked with Matt, we talk about what we managed to reach with Colin. Now sleep. I won't let go of your hand. "

And so I just started my 2 hour nap. My days are really just about sleeping. But with this angel next to me,I am the calmest I have ever been.
"I love you. You mean everything to me. " and I kissed him showing him how much I need him and he just caressed my neck and whispered in my ear:
"You are the best ever thing in my life.  Nothing compares to you. Never ever forget that I am crazy in love with you. Sweet dreams my love."