Is it love? - Ryan. Dangerous to Love.

Alive or not?

Kate's POV.

I had some hard times around these days. I don't know why. Some times are just harder than others. I miss my old self who was cheerful and could move on from problems tying her. But I must realise that it was all fake. After my parents died, I was never fine. Not even for a moment. I was always a mess, having serious mental problems and never had the will to live. And sometimes I still don't. I hate this mood swings, they are truly mess with my head. But I know I need to concentrate on the presentation today. It's a big project for Ryan and hell it is important for me too. I prepare everything and finish 10 minutes earlier than anticipated. I walk towards Ryan's office. I can hear that he's in a phone conversation with someone but I know that he never minds when I hear him. So I go in. But what I hear is the worst thing that I must hear in this crazy messed up situation:

"Then how would you tell it to her that Brad's father was the one who killed her parents?"

No. No. It can't be. No, it can't be. God, you can't do it to me. He can't be.

Ryan tried to come closer to me to comfort me:

"We will get through this Kate. Listen to me. You are strong baby,stronger than anyone I know. We will get through this. Just let me help."

I heard him say the words but they couldn't reach my mind. I had to run away from this. As he came closer, I ran to the first place, which was the upstairs bathroom and locked the door. I can't see anyone. My cries broke out hysterically. I was shaking and crying with the pain that glued me to the bathroom floor. I had completely fallen apart. I felt extreme pain and anger at the same time.

Why God? Why did you do this to me? You hate me this much? Or what do you want me to do? Why do you want me to suffer this much?
All these thought were rushing in my head when the worst kicked in.
Brad was hurting me. The one whose father killed my parents shamed me in every way possible even sexually. I felt dirty again. I felt that familiar shame that I tried to bury deep in me. When he forced himself onto me and caused me so much pain that I never felt before. When I felt disgust towards my own body. I feel his hands on me grabbing me and forcing me to do things I never wanted to do not even with someone I love.
I don't wanna live through this again.

I can hear Ryan's panicked voice from the other side of the locked door:
"Please open up love. We need to talk. I got you. Just have trust in me. Let me carry your pain. Please Kate. Open up. Don't do anything God wouldn't want you to do."

"But I had to live through the hell he prepared for me? How is this fair Ryan? God wanted me to suffer this much? He wanted to teach me a lesson or what? He puts me onto a cliff Ryan every day. He puts me onto that cliff whether to fight for my life the hard way or just jump and give myself to the devil? And why wouldn't I do it Ryan? If God would want to protect me, why hadn't he ever protected me? He doesn't want me. That's all. He never wanted me. So I can't fight for him anymore."

I won't live through this again.
I find the first sharp thing that gets into my hands. I can feel the familiar feeling of blades as it goes deep into my veins.
I cut once. Twice. The pain is excruciating but somehow relieving. I want this to end.
But as I would make another cut, Ryan breaks through the door and immediately gets me into his embrace as he sees my blood already on the floor. He gets a hold on my hand and takes away the blade and looks terrified.
I can't really concentrate on him now. I just watch as my body let's go of my blood, the one thing that keeps me alive. But lately I don't feel alive. Since my parents died, I don't feel alive. Maybe because I shouldn't be alive.
Ryan carries me out of the bathroom and searches for his phone but as he tries to calm me, I just hear some words before my vision goes black.

"Don't you dare leave me like that Kate. Hold on baby, don't leave me. God, don't  let her be taken away from me. Save her from hell, I am begging you God."