Meant to Be

Chapter 32

Lexie Pov:

- "So that's Mark who told you"- I said after hearing all of Derek's story.

- "Don't blame him for me being here,"- he replied, defending his best friend.

- "I didn't say I blame him. I couldn't" - I confessed - "Not in such a case. I appreciate that he made sure someone knew. I would do that too."

- "He just knew you wouldn't come back with him,"- the brunette said.

- "And he was right" - I agreed with this statement - "We would have argued again and I would be so furious with him that I would not even leave the room behind him, let alone spend the whole journey with him. The other way would be the same. He would be so angry that he would not even take me back" - I added and laughed under my breath - "These quarrels simply show what we really are, but probably not from the side of what they should show."

- "You'll get to the right side later," - Shepherd tried to cheer me up.

- "I don't know if I want to for now. And even more so, will we overcome these differences. For now, I don't even want to think about it." - I confessed, trying to hold back my tears.

- "Let's not just talk about it,"- he advised. - "Are you coming back with me?"

- "Do I have any choice?" - I asked

- "You are an adult, you know perfectly well what is best for you. What gives you pleasure. And I can see it's better here." - he replied, and his words surprised me a little.

When I saw him in the hotel lobby, I thought Mer had finally got to where I was. And she made him come here, indisputably, explain everything and take me back to Seattle. It was then that I was beginning to come to terms with the fact that I would have to face again everything that was happening in my hometown. And now Derek says I have to decide. And I'm placed between the hammer and the anvil. I know that no matter what I do, there will be some consequences, bad luck and sadness for sure. But do I prefer to bear them in Seattle, with all the people around, or alone here in LA?

- "Mer knows you're here? That you found me?" - I asked, further considering which side to choose.

- "As for whether she'll know I've been here, if I come back without you. That's no, she won't. That would be our little secret" - he said.

- "It changes a lot." - I said.

- "I just want you to know. That someday you'll have to go back there. And this time is coming faster and faster. You have some stabilization in there now. Boards may get a hold of you in a moment. They will release you without asking anyone, and then there will be no stabilization. And I'm not saying this because I want to persuade you." - my older brother began - "I say this because I used to run away after some unsuccessful situations. I didn't let anyone talk to me. And it took me to the point where I failed myself. I was so overwhelmed by the constant, lonely thinking that the only right way out of this situation was for me to blame myself then. And I have the impression that you have been doing exactly the same to yourself for the past few weeks. I'm wrong?"

- "You are probably right as always,"- I said in a low, slightly nervous voice.

- "Can you admit it to yourself?" - he asked, and in my head all I could hear was his question. And again, it bounced and bounced, and so it did not stop.

- "I can't tell you this now." - I confessed - "I only know that I cannot blame Mark in front of myself. It is impossible for him to be accused even for a second in my head."

- "Neither of you is without fault in this situation. You both are at fault, and you both know how." - he said his opinion, hitting the point. Sometimes I wonder where he gets all those golden thoughts - "The only problem is that to make up you have to see what the other side did. You have to stop, burden only one side, to yourself, of course. Because I know how easy it is for you to tell how it all looks to others. How angry you are with Mark. But inside you, you don't feel it at all. You feel disappointed with this whole situation and with yourself. You feel like you should be able to be a stepmother. But you don't have to. You only have to confess it to yourself. And he also has to notice that you also have some blame in it. Because you both know that something is up, but you have too much affection to admit it."