They call me a criminal

Chapter 50

I took deep breaths distinctly remembering her face from the dream, and the anger she had towards me. That couldn't have been real, my mum and I weren't as close as we could have been, but she never stopped loving me, even after Gryffindor. She asked to die for me, it couldn't have just been because of my father.

The dream was haunting me, and eventually I accepted the fact I would not sleep any more tonight. I tried to think back to before my mum was murdered. I had only just gotten back to Hogwarts, I remembered her hug the moment I stepped off the train, and then we went directly home. She helped me unpack, asking about all my friends. When I thought about it now, she was asking me lots of questions. One I distinctly remember was if anything ever happened where would I stay? I remembered the oddness of that question and it made me contemplate, Weasleys were the first family that came into my head. I didn't know Remus or Sirius then.

I set my head back closing my eyes, she knew that day she was going to die. Instead of worrying or being angry, even running she chose to stay with me ensuring that I would be alright, even after she was gone. I let a tear slip out of my eyes, and thought more about that day. It felt stupid to cry, it always made me feel weak but as I replayed that night it felt right that I cried.

The fighting between my mum and father echoed in my ears and I saw myself careful walk downstairs into the hallway where all the death eaters stood, where Severus Snape stood. Where my mum was held down and then killed.

"What are you thinking about?" Sirius asked. I was so focused on my thoughts I barely heard him get up. "My mum." He sat down beside me, "did you have a dream?" I nodded staring at the wall. "Whatever it was, it wasn't real." He sighed, realizing I wasn't interested in speaking much.

As he stood up to leave a pain hit my chest, it reminded me of everyone who had died, left me. He was still very much here, but it felt as if he took one more step he wouldn't be. "Don't go." I whispered. Feeling embarrassed as several tears slid down my face. "I know how much you lost Sirius, and this sound selfish to say, but I hate my life, I hate myself so much. I can't stop thinking about anything."

He turned around staring at me. "I feel like I've lost so much. I didn't want any of this. I want a memory charm, I just want to forget it all." Sirius met my eyes, "that's not being selfish." He sat down beside me, "you're right bad things have happened to me. But not this quickly. Clara you have lost a lot, in a short period of time." I tried to wipe away my tears, "everytime I talk to you or Remus, even Fred, I say something along the lines of, its too much, or I can't lose anyone else. It's so repetitive, but it's so true. Anytime I close my eyes, flashbacks play on constant repeat. I hate my life more than anyone here could ever know." Sirius nodded, "I'd imagine you feel that way. There's not much I can say, because anything I do won't change what's happened. But none of it is your fault. Not even your mother, I know you blame yourself daily for her death. But any mother would die for her child, and she made that choice."

I leaned sideways into his arms. "It's normal to cry, to feel like you do." I shook my head, "then why does everyone want me to be alright. Don't they understand I can't be." He lay me down keeping a hand on my shoulder, "it's because we all care about you so much." I scoffed, "why?" He sighed, "because someone like you, someone as pure and kind hearted as you, deserves a family. One that cares, and that's what we are." I gently shut my eyes, trying to slow my breaths. "I'll be here with you the entire night."