They call me a criminal

Chapter 79

I slammed my hand against the wall as I let out another soft cry.

My door opened moments later, Remus stood there in the doorway not coming any closer. "Why aren't you coming in?" I whispered. He stood there shaking his head, "you understand what losing you means to me right? Clara I know how much you've lost and it is awful, truly. But to me Clara, you're the last thing I have. You're basically my kid, the only person I've ever been solely responsible for. You came into my life much later than most children but that doesn't change anything. I can't hug you every time you do something wrong, Clara someone has to punish you otherwise lord knows what you'd do."

He sat down as I continued to use my hands to brush away tears. "I love you more than anything, I've told you this time and time again. I know what Bellatrix has done, but the facts are facts she's much stronger than you. So is Lucious, I can't let you interact with that family."

I tried to catch my breath and answer but it wasn't working. Remus moved closer bringing my head onto his shoulder. I caved wrapping my arms tightly around him and screaming into his shoulder. "I love Draco," I finally whispered.

He softly rubbed my arm, "the problem is knowing whether or not he really loves you back. As painful as that is." I grabbed the picture frame beside my bed smashing it against the wall. "NONE OF YOU GET IT." I screamed. I went all around my room throwing everything everywhere. "YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND. YOU ALL SAY YOU LOVE ME BUT CLEARLY NO ONE TRULY MEANS IT. I'M UNLOVABLE. Everyone still see's me as the poor little girl who's lost EVERYTHING. FUCK YOU ALL. FUCK YOU. You talk all this talk about loving me as a kid but what happens when you go off and marry Tonks. I'll be left with NO ONE, ONCE AGAIN. I hate you all for doing this to me, for making me care and love you so much." I ran my hands through my hair gasping to catch my breath. "GOD WHY WONT THEY JUST FUCKING KILL ME. CAN YOU HEAR ME BELLATRIX IF YOU WANT ME DEAD, THEN FUCKING KILL ME."

I grabbed the last picture on my floor tearing it up into tiny shreds rocking back and forth to bring myself back to reality. I heard Remus start to get up, and I shook my head, "don't come near me, you were right you can't hug me and tell me every is going to be okay, because it's not and it never has been and I truly don't understand how none of you knew how fucked up I am. I keep swallowing this stupid fake love pill you all keep forcing down my throat, and I pretend that maybe it's true. Maybe you do really care, but the truth is I'll probably be dead by the end of this year so who gives a shit anyway."

I let out a loud cry pushing my back against the wall holding my face in my hands.

I had indeed fallen asleep at some point and when I woke up I looked around the room and realized I was on Remus's bed. He had his arms wrapped around me still pressing my head against his chest. I immediately regretted everything I did last night and I felt more tears rush to my eyes.

"I'm sorry," I quietly whispered. He must've fallen asleep at some point as well because he stirred gently but didn't open his eyes or respond. I very carefully pulled myself out of his arms and tip toed over to the door. I realized I pulled the blankets off with me and quickly returned covering him back up. It was the full moon in one day, nothing was his fault but I still took it all out on him.

I opened my bedroom door and stared at all the broken glass everywhere. My room was a mess, my chest felt heavy and I dropped to my knees looking at all the pictures I had ripped up and smashed. I began picking up the large pieces of glass putting them in one pile and then collecting the ripped up pictures in another.

Two hours had passed and I was still cleaning my room, I wasn't even halfway done, at this point I was getting nervous, I didn't know what Remus was going to say to me, I deserved to be yelled at but more than anything I just wanted to hug him, I wanted to hug sirius and as much as I said I hated it last night I did want them to tell me I was going to be alright, because unlike everyone else they made me believe it, but they both weren't here, and I didn't know how much longer I'd have Remus.