Many incidents

Chapter 18

ASHTON'S POV

"Alright , we got the water the blanket, and the bleach, we can check out now" i said heading to the self check out

"Ok, now all we have to do is buy a new carpet" she said I think feeling ashamed of how much money we're spending.

I don't regret this in the slightest way though. If it wasn't for her I could be dead right now. She saved my life even when I put hers in danger.

Sometimes I wonder if she is the way she is because of me. After what she said earlier I don't second that thought in the slightest I know it's because of me.

"Hey I got a question for you. And you don't have to answer it if you don't want to I won't be mad" I said as I paid.

"Go for it" she said as we walked out of wall mart.

"Hang on" I said as we made it the car.

I got in the car and backed out of the parking lot.

"Ok and just keep in mind you don't have to answer this ok" I said making sure she doesn't feel pressured.

"Ok just ask" she said looking scared of the question.

"Why didn't you fight me when you were ten" I said glancing at her.

I could tell she wasn't expecting that. It was almost as if I knocked the air out of her lungs. I watched the emotions sadness and fear wash over her face.

She she sighed deeply and looked around us.

"Either I was to scared because I was or didn't care enough about my self to fight, honestly I don't which of the two it is because scared is an understatement and not caring enough, I don't think I even knew what caring for myself was back then" she said now looking at the light in front of us.

I don't know what to say or think. She was ten so she's right I don't think she did even know what caring for herself was at the time either.

"You wanna know what I think?" I asked now driving on the high way.

Its probably stupid to tell her what I think because my opinion shouldn't matter.

"Sure, we need to stop somewhere out is sight of cameras or anything before we go get another carpet" she said still thinking about the plane.

It's now around 1 in the morning and were are still going because I have a friend coming over tomorrow to get his stuff out of her room.

"I think you were to scared. And I know I probably don't have a right to think anything since I'm the one that hurt you but i don't know, you we're to little to know how to care for yourself" I said realizing how much I fucked up.

She was ten. She hadn't even gotten her period yet and I did that to her. I fucked with the way she thinks, the way she feels, who she allows herself to be comfortable enough with, or trusts, her whole life is a spiraling series of effects of what I did.

"I don't know, you maybe right, i can't let myself trust you though, not only do I not know how but what happens when I do end up hurt by you, what if I really can't take it anymore" she said looking worried.

"I promise I won't hurt you ever again, and I know saying sorry won't change what I did, I don't know how your not yelling at me or running away from me right now, I would hate me" I said truly regretting what I did to her.

"I'm not going make you hate yourself anymore then you already do, I know what it's like to truly hate yourself, to feel that anger and regret with every bone in your body, to feel it in you heart so sorry and broken by that feeling, so I'm not goin to make you feel any worse" she said.

Why would she feel that? How could she feel that? I don't understand what made her feel that pain that I do.

"How, how and why do you know what feels like, your only fourteen, you shouldn't feel that" I said truly wanting to know.

"Stop here so I can wipe down the back, get out and I'll tell you" she said as I pulled over.

She opened the door to the back and got the two gallons of water.

"What are you doing?" I asked

"I'm going rinse the truck off" she said as she pulled the cap off of the bed.

She set the cap on the ground and used the tire to boost herself into the truck holding the gallons of water.

My hoodie is barely covering her thighs as she lifts her arms to pour the water on the metal.

"When people get upset with me or yell at me, or just any other emotion then happy I feel that pain. I feel incredibly guilt for hurting people when I do so I try not to. " she said as she finished pouring the water on the bed.

"Emery th-"I said before she cut me off.

"I know what it's like to be hurt, to feel that pain in your chest of betrayal. I deal with it every day from people so i try my hardest not to hurt anyone" she said as she walked over to the cap on the ground.

"You shouldn't feel that, you shouldn't of have to go around and make sure every one is ok while your falling apart" I said looking at her pulling the cap over the bed.

"Well what am I gonna do about it? Am I going to stop helping people because that's not as easy as it sounds" said finishing the cap.

"You can let me help you" I said

" I would but I don't know how, I've gone to long without trust that I forgot how to use it, so when you say let me trust you, or I love you, or let me help you, I don't know what that means. This isn't a any more easier for me than it is for you" she said getting in the truck now.