Many incidents

Chapter 38

I picked up my pants and walked in my room.

I closed the door and put back on my under ware and pants still crying.

Why, why would he do that, I shouldn't of pushed him. Why.

I can't do this anymore. I trusted him. After everything he put me through I trusted him.

I can't even lay in my bed because he bought it for me. I screamed and cried for him to stop. I can still feel him in me.

I lean against the wall and sob as tears fall down my cheeks. They pain hurts some much I want to die. Everything is hitting me like a bus.

I feel so alone and betrayed. I don't get it. Why can't I just have one person that won't hurt me.

The mental pain hurts so bad I can't breath. He pulled of my pants and everything as I sat there and begged him to stop.

My chest hurts from this feeling. I don't understand what I did for everyone to hate me. I didn't mean to upset him. I just I don't know what I wanted. I truly can't do this anymore.

I feel scared through out my whole body. I'm shaking I can't even describe how alone I feel. I'm in a room in an apartment that he is paying for in a room that he is paying for, in clothes that he paid for.

I can't do this anymore. I really don't know how to explain the hurt in my chest.

He raped me, he fucking raped me twice. I want to scream my life out.

I finally decide to lay on my bed. I get up and try to walk but fall to the ground first. I get up and try again while trying not to scream so I cover my mouth and get back under the covers. I feel disrespectful, and rude and ungrateful. I just upset him and now I'm laying in a bed he bought.

I hear a knock on my door and then it opens. Ashton walks in and looks at me now sitting up.

I feel vulnerable again. And I don't know what he will do if i make him mad again. He zones out when he's mad and dose things.

"Can we talk?" He asked walking to my bed.

I feel like I'm suffocating and I can't move. Like he's just about to do it all over again.

I just nod and scoot back against the wall away from him as he sits on the  bed.

My chest is rising and falling barely and I feel myself wanting to scream. I'm trying to keep my breathing minimal but I can't breath.

"Can I hold you?" he asked.

He wants to hold me after what he just did to me. I can't breath. I'm crying my life out from everything that has happened and he wants to hold when he's part of the problem.

"I'm sorry" he said scooting closer as I backed up off the bed.

"I trusted you, I begged you, I was crying my heart out and you just kept going, you pulled off my pants and put your fingers inside of me, you literally raped me twice, I never thought you would do something like that to me or at least again, I asked you to tell me not show me, I sat there and screamed at you to stop, I really trusted you after everything, I was getting close to you, and you did that to me like it didn't matter, you can't even begin to understand how much you hurt me, I feel like I'm suffocating just being in a room with you, I just want someone that isn't going to hurt me, but I'm never gonna get that am I........I can't do this anymore" I said falling to the ground and sobbing my heart out.

The enormous amount of physical pain I am in is nothing compared to the emotional.

Ashton reaches for me as I fell but I pushed him away.

"No, no please, I can't, I can't do this anymore" I said still crying my heart out.

"I just want it to stop, please just stop" I said scooting back to the wall.

"Emery I'm sorry I wasn't th-" he said before I cut him off.

"PLEASE, I can't do this anymore Ashton" I said sobbing.

"Emery what do you want me to do" he asked getting on the floor with me.

"I don't know" I said through my tears.

He got up opened the door wide and then sat down on the ground with distance from me.

"What are you doing?" I asked confused through sobbing

"I'm going to sit here until your not afraid of me anymore" he said leaning his head back on the bed as I'm still sobbing and panicking.

"Explain to me exactly what you think you did" I said not looking at him not being able to breath and feeling dizzy.

My heart physically hurts. I feel this unimaginable pain of being alone and betrayal.

"I think I hurt you, after you trusted me, I think I broke your trust, I think I wasn't thinking and being an idiot and I hurt you, I shouldn't of even put my hands on you, I should've listened when you said stop, Jesus you begged me to stop and I didn't, I sat there and kept going while you sat their and cried asking me to stop, I fucked up, I hurt you, and I don't know how to fix that" he said looking at me.

"I cant forgive you" i said still sobbing and feeling like I'm gonna pass out.

"I know, you need to calm down though your gonna pass out" he said.

"I- i can't" I said holding my body with my arms wrapped around myself and sobbing my heart out. 

I'm shocked he did that to me. My mind can't believe it but my body knows what he did. I can't breath. I literally feel like I'm suffocating. I can't think. I just keep sobbing and sobbing. 

"Emery your going to pass out, let me help you" Ashton scooted closer and I backed up but whimpered holding my back.

My back felt wet. I brought my hands from my back and looked at them. I couldn't see my hands because the light was off.

"L-light" I said saying I need the light on.

Ashton got up and turned on the light.

I looked at my hands and they were cover in blood. My back was covered in blood.

I tried to stand up but almost fell from the pain all over and still sobbing.

Ashton tried to grab me but I pushed him away.

And limped to the bathroom while he followed me.

I limped into the bathroom still sobbing and closed the door, locking it with him outside the bathroom.

"Emery come on  don't do this"

"No, how do I know the next time I make you mad you won't do something like this"I said through sobbing.

"Emery please just open the door"

I ignored Ashton and turned on the light.

I limped for the sink and turned my body around so that my back was facing it.

My back was covered in blood and it was soaking my clothes.

"Emery open the door now" Ashton said banging on the door.

I jumped when he did that. I didn't expect him to do that.

Suddenly I feel myself falling and everything goes black.

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