Many incidents

Chapter 60

Emery's POV

I don't even know what to say. That was my dad. Saying those things about me.

About how he. My dad. He really thinks that every time he sees me. What is wrong with him. What is wrong with me. Am I coming off like that.

No. No not like that. That's my dad. I would never act like that. Even if I had thoughts like that I wouldn't allow myself to act upon them. Why am I even thinking even if.

I feel disgusted with my body right now. Like I want to run away from it. All the people that have used my body. My dad talking like that. All the comments. It makes me hate myself physically.

The fact that I'm sitting here in a tank top with no bra on is making me feel worse.

I get up suddenly, both the boys look at me trying to figure out what I'm thinking.

I walk around the couch and into my room quietly not saying a word.

I don't know what to say. If I wanted to talk I would say something but I have to no clue what to say.

I pick up my flannel from my floor and put it on walking back into the living room.

"You need to leave that off the heat is making it worse Emery" Alex is trying to help me not make my back worse and to be honest I'm feel so empty that I'm not even going to argue with him.

I take back off the flannel but use it to cover my chest and sat back on the couch.

"Are you ok?" Alex looks extremely concerned.

I can't even find the right words to answer that. It's like I've been through so much that my mind and heart aren't allowing me to feel anything. Like at all.

But then I think about it. And it hurts like hell.  That was my dad talking about wanting to have sex with his daughter. It makes my stomach turn just thinking about it. It makes me want to lay in bed and never leave it. To not look at anyone's face ever.

But when I sit here at look at the two people in front of me and think about how I should feel from what I just heard I feel nothing. Like absolutely nothing.

Not in a I'm just hiding my emotions kind of way but nothing. It takes my breath out of my lungs. But I think I've been through so much that this isn't earning a break from me.

I don't know I just like don't care.  I can sit here and over think it but I'm not thinking about how it should hurt me I'm thinking about how I just literally don't care. And to be honest it's kinda funny.

"I'm fine, I don't care to be honest"

"What, I'm confused. Did we listen to the right thing. Did I just hear her correctly" Alex is tripping.

"I know I should. I know I should want to cry or something but I've been through so much that I just don't care. Like its funny. I don't care what my dad thinks of me. If that's how he sees me then-"

Wow. What the fuck. There goes my whole I don't care feeling. I don't think I was actually processing that before now.

I feel like I'm gonna cry. I can't breath. "I'm fine. It's fine. I don't care" I'm laughing right now.

Like not how I usually would if I was having a mental break down but like I'm just tired of everything and depressed.

"Ha. You know what I am" I said get up from the couch and laughing harder now.

They both looked at me confused.

"I'm depressed" I laughed even harder. Except I don't think I'm really laughing any more.  I can't breath and I feel like the walls are closing in on me.

I feel like hitting myself. When ever  something feels likes it to much I want to hit myself. Like just to take my mind away from everything. I know what I'm doing I just can't find any other way of changing anything.

I fall to the ground on my knees with my hands in my hair.

"I'm fine. There is nothing wrong with me. I'm fine" I'm truly trying to convince myself that there is nothing wrong with me because I will cry if I don't.

Ashton get up and tries to hug me but I move away.

"No please don't. I don't want a hug or any thing. I'm fine I don't need one. I think I'm just gonna go to bed though if that's ok" I said crawling off the floor.

"Emery come here" Alex looked at me with welcoming arms.

I walked over to him but didn't hug him. He stepped closer and wrapped his arms around me pulling me close.

"I'm fin-e" I'm stuttering over my words trying not to cry.

He didn't even come over here to check on me willingly. He just wanted my mother to stop. That's what he thinks of me. I try really hard to impress him or to make him proud and that's what he thinks. My dad.

I'm more shocked then hurt. Fuck actually I don't know which it is. It just makes me sick.

"I'm going to sleep, I have school in the morning"

I can't look at them. They probably feel disgusted just looking at me. I feel embarrassed feeling there eyes on me. That they even have to witness looking at a disappointment.

I turn around and walk into my room. After closing the door I slid down it and cover my mouth trying not to cry.

I can't breath. Why. Why dose everything have to be so fucking difficult. Why do I have to be so difficult. Why do I have to make things hard.

I feel like the walls are closing in on me. My chest is tight and my head is dizzy. The only thing that's surprising me is that I'm not crying.

I get up and walk to my bed. I slid under the covers and stop thinking completely. I take in a deep breath and lay there.