GONE WRONG (Gone Series 1: Summer Aine Quin)

Kabanata 33

I realized that healing meant not only accepting what had happened, but also forgiving ourselves for the pain, doubt, and misery we had endured.

I was broken and I can not deny that I've been scarred forever, but I can't punish myself for everything that has happened. It happened for a reason: to teach me something important. At first, it was difficult for me to open up my heart again to the world. I was vulnerable and believed that everyone was a liar. The trauma was still there and the grief was haunting me in my sleep.

I've made a good recovery after two years of constant medication and counseling, but I still need to see my doctor for follow-up check-ups and consultations. I have already stopped taking medications as per their advice, but still, I should be monitored.

Despite my fear and uncertainty about what was ahead of me, I was determined to reclaim my health so that I could be a better mother to Zacharael. Even though I sometimes wondered if he deserved to have me as his mother because I was flawed, I wanted him to feel loved and safe with me.

I aspire to be the best mother I can be for my child.

"Sam, may pasok ka ngayon?"

Ngumiti ako kay Nanay Myrna at marahang tumango. Ngumiti sa akin ang matandang babae at naglakad papunta sa kusina para siguro ay ipaghanda ako ng pagkain.

Nanay Myrna, who was in her 60s, was my next-door neighbor when I first moved to California. Being in a new environment scared me the most and the first week was unbearable. I used to be all alone in my own home, but I was glad that she had found me on my worst days. Nanay Myrna is a Filipina who married an American man, but she has been alone since his death many years ago. She didn't have any kids and when she found out my story, she wanted to take good care of me and my child. I didn't understand at first why she needed to do this to me, a stranger who was a broken, single mother. But when I heard her answer, it brought me to tears.

"Gusto kitang alagaan dahil iyon ang alam kong deserve mo, Iha. Karapat-dapat kang mahalin dahil matatag ka, malakas ka. Kung ako ang nasa kinatatayuan mo, malamang ay sumuko na ako. I know I didn't get to be a mother, but I am a human, and I believe God sent me to help you. Dinala ka niya para sa akin, para tulungan ka at mahalin."

"Nay, tapos na po akong mag-almusal. Papatulugin ko lang si Zacky at aalis na po ako pagkatapos nitong ginagawa kong revision." Ibinalik ko ang mga mata ko sa laptop na nasa mesa.

Agad na napalingon ako sa aking anak nang makita kong nilalaro nito ang maliit na laruang eroplano. Umaalog ang mataba nitong pisngi at cute na cute ito sa suot niyang dinosaur onesie. Nakaupo siya sa malapad at malambot na carpet. Parang hinaplos ang puso ko nang lumingon ito sa akin at malapad na ngumiti. He was a bright kid and he was always smiling.

"Mommy! P-play!" Bibong sambit ni Zacharael sa akin habang ipinapakita ang hawak na laruan. Tumayo ako at nilapitan ang anak ko at magaang hinalikan sa pisngi na ikinatawa niya lang. Malaya ko siyang pinagmasdan habang nakangiti.

Pilit na iwinaksi ko sa aking isipan ang malaking pagkakahawig niya sa kanyang ama. My two-year-old son is a center of my life. His hazel brown eyes, which sparkle brightly when the sun shines on them, his pointed nose, the shape of his face, and even his dimples. Para ngang naging kambal na niya ang kanyang ama. They really look alike.

Hinawakan ko ang kanyang malambot na buhok. "Come here, Zacky."

He smiled at me, slowly stood up on the carpet and opened his arms to hug me. It made my heart flutter. Napapikit ako ng mariin dahil natatandaan ko na naman si Zacharias sa kaniya tuwing niyayakap ko ito. Marahang ipinalibot ko ang aking kamay sa kaniya at masaya siyang binuhat.