Fight for us

365 days

Ellie pov

One year. Three hundred and six five days thats how long my husband has been gone and I have missed him every second of each day, I have thought about him none stop and even more now that my son looks like his father, at first it wasn't easy moving forward with throwing myself into work trying not to think about losing him but as the days went on and I finally broke and cried for hours, I even waited by the front door waiting for him to walk through which he never did. Tristan was an amazing father to our son and whenever he was off work he would spend the day with his son, I was a little jealous sometimes as Tristan and Logan was unstoppable in the first couple of years and now thinking about it i'm glad they spent so much time together. Laying in bed thinking about him I try not to wake Logan up who's hogging all the room once again, he definitely took after his father as he used to always hog the bed, moved in his sleep it was cute at first but then it got a tad bit annoying.

Climbing out of bed I leave my son in the middle and head to the bathroom hoping for a shower without someone banging on the door which is mostly my brothers when they stay at our parents as they moan that I use all the hot water which is only partly true but first come first serve right. Running the hot water I wait for it to get a little warmer before stripping and climbing in, I just need a second to think about anything like Tristan as I don't want to be tearing up all day, especially not in front of my son, I don't mind him seeing me cry as it shows him I'm not weak for crying, everything I do and show my son is for his best interest. Letting the hot water run down my face then my body, I end up turning the water pressure up a little higher not wanting to get out any time soon, standing directly under the water I lend my head back a little but as I'm standing there I hear a slight knock at the door and then little foot steps hitting the floor, the first thought is that my sons awake

"Mommy" I hear my son shout running around the house looking for me, I honestly thought I had a little more time in the shower before Logan woke up and came looking for me but its fine I am done now. Climbing out the shower I wrap a towel around my body before unlocking the door and when the door opens I spot Logan standing in front of me with an apple, its better then chocolate I suppose. Running a bath I wait for it too fill up a little and in the mean time I quickly place a pair of shorts and t-shirt on needing to bath my son first before I think about going anywhere. Standing by the door of the bathroom I watch my son have a bath with a couple of his toys, Logan really enjoys the water and sometime its the hardest to get him out he will even stay in there till the water has gone cold, Watching Logan play I wash his blackish hair with a little bits of brown hair hoping he let me do it as sometimes its hard when he's playing. Finished with his hair I let him play for another five minutes before wrapping him in a towel and getting him dressed to see his father grave, Logan has only seen it a couple of times as I didn't want it to be hard on him but now Logan goes with my parents, he will sit there and tell his dad about everything, I was stood behind me once when he was telling his dad something and Logan turned to me before turning back to the grave stone to whisper something, Logan is just the cutest sometimes.

Parking in the car park Logan is holding onto the flowers afraid they fly away if he loosens his grip a little but I'm not going to say anything as I know how much my son loves coming to see his father grave stone, I just wish I could come a little more but its hard for me as he was the love of my life, he was my everything, my other half my best friend. Holding Logans hand we start walking to the grave, my parents and brothers are behind me as we all walk together. I woke up this morning and when I was finished bathing and dressing Logan everyone was downstairs ready to go telling me I don't have to do this alone, I'm thankful for them all coming with me as everyone tells me its gets easier with time and now its been a year I think they are lying as it's not easier with time.

"Hi Daddy, I bought you flowers your favourite so mommy said" I hear my son saying before he places the flowers on the floor beside some others, standing behind Logan with my hands on his shoulders I listen to my son talk to his father wishing he was here to talk back to him, he needs a father figure in his life, my brothers are amazing but they aren't Tristan. Once my son has finished talking to his father I take a knee in front of his grave reading his name and then 'loving husband and father' he was an amazing husband and father, he always wanted a son to bring up and then I got pregnant he was over the moon when we found out we was having a boy, Tristan wouldn't shut up about teaching him how to play ball and now that he's gone I'm the one left teaching him everything his father wanted to do. Looking at my parents my mother understands me as she takes Logan back to the car with everyone else, when they are all out of sight I take a seat in front of the stone.

"I love you, our son is growing up to be your spitting double, I am kind of jealous off but he has my temper which isn't going to be a good thing, I just wish you was here to see him grow up we both miss you. I know you wanted me to move on but no one can be you, there is this one person you would have liked, but how can I love him when I don't know how" I say wiping the tears that are running down my face, placing my hand on the stone I sit there for a couple of seconds just wanting to be close to him once again. Unsure how long I was sitting there I feel a hand on my shoulder turning around I see our old unit standing behind me, climbing to my feet I give each one a hug, I haven't seen them much as I pretty much pushed everyone away when I lost Tristan, I blamed everyone but theres no one to blame as Tristan chose to risk his own life for mine. I hated that he choose to push me out the way without giving me a second thought but deep down I knew Tristan would have done it for anyone, he was that type of person and as I stand in front of his grave I wish he wasn't that type of person because I would have still had him standing beside me but i'm glad he was as I fell in love with him just the way he was.

"One step at a time Ellie thats how we move forward, we are all so sorry we couldn't be here till today, Tristan was definitely loved by all of us he was a man we all looked up to and wanted to become. You should be proud Ellie as he was definitely proud of his wife" nodding my head we all stand together looking at his grave, I didn't think I would be back with our old squad but I guess Tristan knows how to bring us all together he always has. As a bottle of alcohol gets passed around we all take a small glass and fill it up before placing one in front of Tristan.

"To Tristan"

Running around the garden I chase after my son we both have had a long day spending the morning at Tristan grave stone before going for lunch with my old unit, Logan remembers them all and loved spending the afternoon with them, the bit he loved the most was when someone bought him ice cream and now I have a very active child running around the garden, my old unit have gone back home so its only our family which I don't mind. Trying to catch my son I run after him but with all the ice cream and sweets he has eaten today I find myself struggling but before I know it joey runs out the house picking him, the look on Joey face says its all, he knew I was struggling and has put me out my misery from chasing him for another ten minutes. Collapsing to the floor joey thinks its funny to jump on me with Logan still in his arms, however the smile on his face I don't mind as his smile lightens up my day. I just hope he's going to sleep tonight with all that energy as he has taken the energy straight out of me today. Picking myself up I find myself not thinking much about Tristan since I left his grave stone, I love him but my mind has been on our son, Tristan will always be on my mind but right now its our son.