Under the Brightest Stars

32

32

"Malalim yata ang iniisip mo," sabi ni Santi habang nakayakap pa rin sa baywang ko.

"Malalim nga..."

Kumalas siya at tumingin sa akin. Binigyan niya ako ng maliit na ngiti. His other arm still clung unto my waist as he stood beside me.

'Yan nga, Santi... hawakan mo ako nang mahigpit... para na rin mabaon ko ang alaala na ito pagbalik ko sa US.

"Do you still remember back in college? Noong bigla na lang ako nawala?" mahina kong tanong.

"Oo..."

"Bakit hindi mo ako tinanong noon? I mean, you could have been curious, right?"

Ngumiti siya ngunit may bahid na lungkot ito. "Ayaw ko lang."

Napangiti na rin ako ngunit kagaya niya ay may bahid rin ito ng kalungkutan. The wind blew. It was cold. O baka masyado lang akong nilalamig sa kaba.

"I disappeared because I don't know how to tell you everything," I stated. "Dad told me that it's possible to go abroad and study my masters. Para na rin makalayo ako kay Mom. Kasi nga diba, pinipilit niya akong kumuha ng kontrata?"

He only nodded and looked at me straight in the eye.

"I was just... I don't know... siguro binalot ako ng konsensya noon. Kasi mahal kita pero hindi ko alam kung bakit mas nanaig iyong kagustuhan kong umalis..."

I licked my lower lip. Hiningal ako sa kaba. Nagkabuhol-buhol na rin ang dila ko at hindi alam kung paano ito sasabihin lahat.

"Kasi, diba, I'm so sure about my feelings about you. Even until now. But I love my career more," mahina kong dagdag.

"I understand," he whispered.

"That's why nagtago ako mula sa 'yo. Hindi ko kasi alam kung paano sasabihin. At nakakahiya... nakakahiya kung paano ko ipapaliwanag sa 'yo, Santi."

Tumango siya at binigyan lamang ako ng maliit na ngiti.

"We can never escape reality. And I love you so much. I do. Pero hindi ko kayang iwan ang trabaho ko, Santi. I have big plans for my career. And I'm still young. I still want to do anything. But I love you. I love you so much. But I'm just so... confused..."

Hinawi niya ang iilang hibla sa buhok ko. Sobrang payapa ni Santi habang nakatingin sa akin.

"Even until now," I whispered. "I'm still confused why... I am so sure that this love I have for you is pure, but at the same time, I doubt myself because maybe I don't love you that much. And I'm sorry..."

"It's alright, Frans..."

Umiling ako. "No, it isn't. Sobrang unfair naman para sa 'yo, diba? Sarili ko lang ang iniisip ko. Trust me, I want to spend the rest of my life with you..."

"Ako rin naman, e..."

Pinunasan ng hinlalaki niya ang luhang kumawala sa mga mata ko.

"I am leaving again, Santi," I said. "Hindi ko alam kung kailan ako ulit babalik. I still have... years before my contract abroad will expire. And I want to make the most of it."

"Alam ko naman na aalis ka ulit, e. Hinihintay lang kitang magpaalam. Kasi kahit noon pa man, hindi talaga tayo nagpaalam sa isa't isa," he replied.

"I'm so sorry... I guess I was just so selfish. I am selfish. I didn't even think of what you might feel."

"If you're happy doing the things you want, then don't be sorry at all," aniya at tumingin sa aking mga mata.

"Paano ka? Paano tayo? I can't assure if it will work, Santi. Malayo ang US. Busy tayo pareho. It won't work."