hi

im not doing ok

I pushed my best friend away because of my mental health and now I feel so guilty but I know I can't go back to her, in all of our breaks I'm always the one to go running back to her, I don't think she has ever come running back to me. It was all always me. And plus she was kinda becoming toxic and I honestly didn't like the way she treated me and picked other girls over me, girls she had only met TWO YEARS AGO. Me and her have been friends since kindergarten. I was the one who always hung out with her. What did I do during spring break? Waste my time with her. What did I do last summer? Wasted my time with her. What did I do the summer before that? Waste my time with her. Who was my first option? Her. I wasted my breath, by defending her, she defended me but she didn't go up to ppl in their faces to tell them something. She was being sexualized in camp by these straight boys, I defended her, a boy she didn't like asked her out for valentines and she was too scared to reject him, I was the one who told him for her. I got into arguments with my own family because I defended her. I guess they were right, my dad was right, friends don't exist. My sister was right, she's toxic. She ended up accusing me of something i didn't do. And her parents blamed ME for HER not getting an award in graduation. Her parents blamed me for her daughter getting in trouble for doing something dumb, yeah I get i took part in it and i took responsibility, tried to defend her. And it worked, I sent our principal a PARAGRAPH, PLEADING, for us to get in so much trouble, I took the blame. Like always, cause everything is always my fault in her parent's eyes. I sent her an essay telling her she is loved by everyone around her even if she doesn't think so. I did so much crap for her just so she could accuse me of something that had to involve the cops. I fucking hate her sm, but i still love her. I just wish we were never friends.

i just feel so betrayed, I miss my old friends, I miss our memories, I just want my old life back.