hi

gibbler gabbler

i got my nose pierced today and I love it a lot its the day I've been waiting for so longggg. Currently ghosting evan. HE'S RLLY JUST NOT WORTH MY TIMEEEE LIKE UGFHHF IT BOTHERS ME SO MUCH BRO hell to the fucking no am I gonna be ur rebound, I'm not gonna be the girl u go to for comfort after the other girl u like doesn't want ur ass. he's so miserable he did it to himself. i don't have time for relationships those shits are terrible like um very am I going to drop my guybsf for a bitch I wanna date. bc that just proves ur insecure as hell bc if i had wanted to get with a guy friend i would have never dated u in the first fucking place- and i used to not want a toxic relationship and always thought sometimes ppl in relationships overreact too much but no, i hated my sisters relationships but the more u hate someone the more u become them, ill just vent and rant on here bc not that anyone reads it and I'm not expecting any comfort. I'm not worth comfort and I'm not saying that to be a sad girly i am I'm saying that bc its facts, i cant properly comfort anyone bc i was never shown real comfort myself. and i don't want to vent to someone if i cant help them back in the future, its not fair. and plus my trust issues are 10x worse now, that dirty bitch rose hurt me way too much that eventually a hurt person becomes an "evil" person if that's how u want to say it, she never needed me the way i needed her and it hurts to remember how hard she played me and that's how so much fucking anger grew, i had already been an angry person before but now i feel like its everyday and every hour and i just cant control it very well which is why i want to start getting into more boxing idk i feel that's healthier than punching doors and walls, but she rlly just used me as an object honestly, she'd talk to me when she wanted to talk about something she didn't want to talk with her other friends probably bc she thought they'd think she was weird, and when she would get tired and bored of me she dumped me out like a fucking piece of trash, and im so mad i alwayssss ignore red fucking flags, i igroned this bitch leaving me like trash when she knewwww she knew i had nobody i really had nobody and i was just barley hanging onto life its honestly a miracle i had made it out of that phase in my life bc god who knows what will happen if i ever go through the shit again, and i had also ignored the red flag my friend aniya had told me, "Evan said if she rejects him, he'll ask u out" WHYYYYY WOULD I JS GO PAST THAT I MEAN OBVIOUSLY I WAS MAD BUT GOD. i should have dropped him right there and then, he was never worth all the shit. an example of life now, lets just say, i went from cassie howard to maddy perez. but i still have cassie underneath everything. last year i was too blind to even care about the red flags i saw in guys and proceeded to throw myself at them so i could have their love and attention and god that was terrible and what was i really, just insecure thinking make up and "cuter outfits" could make everyone love me, but no, i hate remembering it, i was forcing myself out there way too much and i pretended to not care that i had been sexualized by almost every boy in the grade but honestly i went home and thought, if old me had been sexualized by so many boys they would've cried so much, i mean i did something rlly stupid but im far too embarrassed to even say who it was, but i let a boy poke my boob- and that same day i laid down on him and then he made me lay on his friend as well and oh god im so embarrassed i went home and left DIGUSTING i felt terrible god just remembering it almost makes me want to cry, i felt like a full on fucking slut. im not repeating any of these mistakes, now lets say im more like maddy perez, i have a terrible attitude now and im always cursing someone out it doesn't matter and i honestly dont want my feelings to show anymore bc i feel like that would be used against me and im guilty of doing that to someone in the past so karmas gonna get me one day so i rather not let anymore of my own problems spill out. i did break the other day, i have been gaining a bit more weight than usual and honestly i had just been joking about it bc when i was younger i was so skinny and now i had more weight than 2 of my older sisters, i did honestly think twice and told myself maybe i should bring it down a bit so my weight doesn't completely taken over but other than that i wasn't so sad bc at least i had been gaining a bit more weight since my dad had always been telling me to eat more and honestly its never been a big deal even if it sounds toxic bc to me it rlly wasn't, i guess i was to young to even care or understand but still now i dont think those words would hurt, but what would is being told to eat less, my brother noticed my stomach had gotten slightly bigger and decided to joke about it and honestly it did hurt i mean bc earlier that day i had been talking about my weight and now i was realizing that someone actually noticed without me telling them and it hurt so much but i smiled bc it was a joke to him and i had to pretend it was ok, but quick enough my smile faded bc i couldn't hold it up any longer and after that my entire appetite had disappeared and i just got spaghettini even though i knew i wanted more but i couldn't handle to stay there any longer so i left and i began regretting leaving bc i felt guilty that i had overreacted and i was thinking wether my brother had felt bad and i felt bad bc he was just joking but i began crying bc of the thought that someone had actually realized and it hurt, this was the first time i had gotten comfort in so long, i guess it was because i didn't get the proper comfort when my sisters found out about my selfharm bc they didn't know the pain and guilt of cutting yourself and society made them believe stereotypical things about the people who did selfharm but since almost every woman had gone through body dysphoria they wanted to comfort me bc they knew the pain and couldn't stand to watch their once happy little sister who never cared about any of her flaws now breakdown bc she had gained a little more weight than usual, but i do wish i once got good comfort with my selfharm bc it was rough and it still is, joking about terrible things that have happened to me is honestly my coping mechanism, sh is so hard to get over, the feeling of craving it is terribleeeee, but i cant relapse not at almost 10 months, noooo never that its js super hard sometimes and honestly nobody around me gets it and i honestly wish i had never done it that one night, that could've changed so much, but hey ill try my best to be grateful for the way my sister handled it, yeah she did yell the shit out of me which made me feel awful and made me want to do more but it also made me not want to do it bc i knew she'd catch me and i'd have to hear her again but i hope she knows to never ever again tell someone that however long they were clean for is not enough bc i remember one day she told me 5 weeks wasn't enough but oh my god was it such an achievement when i had realized, and god if u had told me a year ago i'd almost be a year clean id honestly burst into tears. but yeah i rlly hate society :) bye. 

kg 8/24/22