hi

.

theres so much more i want to do but idk i feel like im just not gonna make it.
i told my friends i want to write a movie about us one day, im leaving them soon. in both ways, im sadly moving away from them, and who knows how much longer ill go. I mean i dont want to kms but i do its just so tiring like im not doing what others expect me to do, my dumbass said id actually try in school this year omg what a fucking joke. im failing almost every class except the easy ones, the ones where u just copy shit down and listen. Gym, health, computer, french. those r pretty much the only classes im passing and their not even the important ones 😂
im failing history, last year me would have screamed if she knew that. Last year's history was enjoyable, i understood the work, put effort into the work, but its mainly bc of my close relationship with my history teacher, i wasnt only close with him bc hes fine as fuck, nooo he really understood me. And i recently found out why i get so attached to older men, definitely not bc of daddy issues, i dont have daddy issues i love my dad and grew up with enough love from him. But might just be because of the relationship i never had with my brothers which was mainly stopped bc of my moms dad, hes the reason i stopped trusting men, even around my brothers i feel this kind of awkward tension, an uncomfortable tension, but not bc of anything theyve done, more so of how scared i am deep down?
I get easily attached to older men tho, not in a romantic way at all tho. Well sometimes but not with like the ones im currently close with.
for example, my former history teacher mr sawyer, and current english teacher Mr vergara, my "manager" stephen,
but what made me question things was when i realized i wasnt as special to him like i thought i was it bothered me a bit. hes got this hyper social butterfly personality so ig it makes sense but when

i saw he wasnt rlly paying attention to me it humbled me.

i wrote that in 2022 but now its officially 2023 thought i was gonna die that year this one might be it but i hope not bc man i want to make it to my 15 at least. but ig we'll wait and see.
anyways back to what i originally wnated to talk about,
whenever i show emotion or feel like im showing too much negative emotions i just think, what would nico do. Nico is a fictional character from yo adolescente, or memories of a teenager. its a film on netflix. if they remove it ill off myself. i love it so much, i just get him. i understand him. we do the same thing. Pretend, bottle everything, and write everything going on down on a website. but tbh writing down my soon to be suicide book on wattpad sounds like a joke but tbh i didnt really know any other website and its far too late to do that 💀 but if im not here to write a book or movie about my friends and i ,
i will leave it in the hands of my friends, probably josiah since he swears hes a writer.
but i write about the things i wish could happen. i always dreamed of having all these plans with my friends in our highschool days but im moving away and it really fucking sucks so ig i need to write down all my scenarios now before i forget how much fun my friends were. bc ik in like 9 months from now ill read this and think wowww i rlly did love them but ik it wont be the same bond anymore which sucks but wtv life is about letting everything and everyone go ig.

kg - 1/1/23
2:52