hi

okay.

so a lot is going on. well first things first, i relapsed. ik i promised everyone it gets better but for me honestly i dont even know what happened it just did its really disappointing i was only 5 days away from reaching a year which is real cute. as long as i dont think deeply into it i am okay. or thats what i say at least, but. its wtv i have amazing friends who i love a lot. and i have to admit it my cold heart has been melted once again,

yes ofc im still mean, attitudy and rude buttt i just love my friends sm. and whos responsible for melting my heart. my fucking friend juan, so basically theres this new kid a year younger than me and honestly the first day i saw him i did not absolutely think at all he'd be the guy to make me fall so hard for a guy again but yeah. it all happened so fast, well at first every girl thought he was cute and i was ofc one of them but it really meant nothing to me at first until i told my friends i thought he was cute only bc they were trying to get me over vince bc we all knew he didnt want me, so yk but my guy friends dont know the difference between thinking someone is cute and liking someone, and matter fact loving someone. so they called some girls in his grade to tell him i wanted a high five from him, weird ik, and we forgot about it for a sec and we were yk just laughing cracking jokes not caring about what just happened and rhen i looked up and i see the girls pointing at me while talking to him and im like shit, and tell my friends and we all look and hes making his way to us and then omfg my friends were like ohhh shit they didnt know the girls would actually do it BUT of course they would bc first of all we're their upper class men (im js saying thats how i used to act) and one of the girls had a crush on my friend so they went on with the plan and my 2 friends who instigated this shit felt bad so they pretended as if they were the ones asking for the high fives. but then my fucking friend decided ykw lets make sure he does high five her too. so then this mf was like "ella ella" pointing at me and then i was like omfg so i had no choice but to whoop out my hand bc he already had his out so yk it was scary but that was just the beginning. so then a few days later i seen he was talking to my friend juan and then i went up to him and i was like omgg u talk to him and he was like yeah why u like him? and i was like nahhhh but then he was like yes u do bc then u wouldn't be asking so  imma put u on and i was like good lord omg nooo and then omfg a week later i asked about it bc honestly  i didnt have a crush on him until everyone else was like yk instigating the whole situation, so i wanted to know if he had actually told him anything bc im lonely and was starting to actually fall for this mf and then i asked juan and he never even opened his mouth, he thought i was joking so this choice is the choice that shouldve never beeb made bc then he was like ohh u were serious? and then he was like ok i gotchu and then he called the guy and then he saw me and my friend and i got so nervyyyy and then 2 days later i asked juan what happened and he said the guy said yeah and then i could text him so i was like shit omg omg got my hopes up 🤗, so then the next day i afterschool i really wanted to know what was up bc i was too pussy to ever actually go up to him myself so i asked juan what were the exact words that came out his mouth and apparently he said he'd talk to me and not my friends tho bc they're weird and that shit took me outttttt bc they r my little bby max and my friend josiah have got to be the weirdest rats i've created a true bond with in a whileeee. but really honestly under all that their suchhh good funny fun people. but yeah i get his pov and then omg omg juan introduced me to the guys sister and i was like omg whattt bro and she was asking me questions and then gave me his insta and juan followed him for me 😭😭so yeah then the next week i saw juan and he was like ykw lets go talk to him rn and i was like yea we should bc im really trying to let go this pussy shit 😭😭 so we went up to him and yk he was just talking or wtv and then the guy lets call him mozzaz, MOZZAZ tried shaking me hand but it was sweaty bc i was really nervous and i didnt want to wipe the sweat off bc then thatd look so weirddd but i didnt want to full on hold his hand with wet clamy hands so i like JUST BARELY touched his hand and then juans annoying ass was like oh noo what is thattt give her a hugg and i was like what is going on... and then he opened his arms and brought himself closer to me and hugged me and i didnt hug back for 5 secs and then i was like i jeed to hug back or else i will literally seem 20x more weirder. so then yeah and then his sister came out of no where and juan told her to help me bc i cant pull for shit and she was like oh ok and she was just like oh lets wait for him to get his food  and she was telling me he didnt text me back bc he was nervous and shy and i was like hm ok... 🌚 and then he came out and he was talking to his sister and then she came back to me and was like oh he said he'll js text u bc hes hungry and he wants to eat 🌚🌚🌚🌚 and i was just like.... oh okay. and then yk i had my giggle with my friends but deep down i was sad bc like whattt all these excuses?? but yea then i waited for him to text, mf never did. so i was 10x more 🌚🌚🌚🌚 so i was like ykw ill rizz him up instead then ig and the next day juan told me u should js say hi and thats it and i was like ur right ur right and then he was calling me a pussy and i was just like okk ok bet on that one so at the end of lunch i saw the bitch and i was like hola and he said hi back but it felt so basic, unflavored. and i felt so hurt. 😭😭so then i had juan dm him for me and i asked hey i have a question but in spanish duh duh duhhhh, and he was like hi what and im like r u busy this friday bc my friends, juan and his sister all planned i shouldve made plans to hang out with him on friday and then he was like no he didnt think so then i risk it all and sent the message . homeboy never responded, i saw him at school he looked at me and then walked away and i had a breakdown, #embarrasing but i was like crying a little yk and then i left home bc ive been skipping a lot lately, and then yeah he never responded and we never hung out.. but then i found out he hung out with a bunch of girls the next day and i was like wowwwww. wild fr. so i was emo or wtv and i was giving up, the next week there was zero interactions between us i was just emo until. thursday last week. i stayed after school and i was yelling at my friends to hurry bc i had to go walking home with my other friend and thennnn he heard me and he was like oop calm downn and i was like ugh nooo and then he kept on hearing me cursing them out and then he was like oo and i was like aaaa, so. yeah. AND THEN on friday he texted me but then never answered after i answered so i was like... ok its done bc his sister looked like she was avoiding me and juans mood changed when we talked about mozzaz and i was fr like omg its done thats it he admited he doesnt like meeeee, then here we are to monday, and it was 'normal' at lunch and then i skipped my last 2 periods with my friend but we had to walk back to the school so he could catch the bus bc he doesnt live in town sooo yeah but then we missed the bus and he was like okk we'll just stay at the school or wtvv and then i was like okkk so went up to our spot and we see that mozzaz is there with his friends and im just like okay... and then my friend noticed how bored and annoyed i was so he was like you wanna go somewhere else and i was like yeah bc if i stay any longer ill liteally slit my wrists sooooo we were leaving and then i realized when we started leaving mozzaz and his friend were also leaving and walking behind us and i was like.. ok their just minding their business. but then there was 2 staircases and we walked through the other way bc it was longer and i noticed that mozzaz looked hesistant to come through the way we were walking through and iwas like ok hes just minding his business.