i think its getting bad again. god idk how to explain it but i dont care anymore. i dont feel like saving myself and im scared that if i do have the urge to save myself one day ik its not gonna end up well bc truth is i cant stay consistent. I always fuck up. Too lazy, no energy, no fucking will at all. Its just better to end it and if i end up trying to save myself that is so much fucking energy, bc my life is so screwed and im not trying to fix it bc it would be so exhausting and i fuck shit up all the time. all i ever fucking wanted was love from someone different.
idk i cant give a fuck about myself. I don't know but if its someone else i care for im willing to do fucking anything even though i've already told myself 20 million fucking times to stop having so much trust in people but i cant. I have such a big heart and i hate it, i give away too much love that others could never give me which kills me. I ripe to much out my heart that it's slowly killing me.
Which how much longer does it take. For me to die of a broken heart bc i cant do it. I would do anything for the lord himself to just take my life . Because i can simply just not do it to myself yet, i just dont have the guts or heart to take my own life, bc ik ik ik i have so much people who love me but i cannot fucking do it and doing it is so selfish. what, am i jus gonna leave the people who need me? who need my presence? who love me? no i cannot
but i feel alone and i dont know how much longer i can take it or how much longer i can deal with this myself. ive been feeling like this for 2 years now .
Its weird. because before , i was different, i wanted attention so i tried getting it in the wrong ways, ig i was a pick me, lied about depression, i thought maybe ppl would care, i thought just basic old pure sadness was depression but it was not.
And now its terrible, its fucking terrible, god im such a hypocrite sometimes and make fun of other ppl for dealing with the same shit i deal with but its a way for me to try and forget the way i feel , the true me , bc god i fucking hate the real me, the weird me, the psycho me , the disgusting me, the scared me.
But this feeling of aloneness and answer less deep hole is not fun, its not quirky, its not cool, its not funny. Im tired of it and i want it to end. And i cannot bare to get any of these words out my mouth to an actual human being which is why i document it but sometimes i just want help, just so this feeling could end but then again the commitment i do not have to be consistent and chose a better life style is so hard to face .
I dont know what i simply want . and god i hate the fucking way. that i try and keep my mental health issues low bc i want others to be focused on themselves and their own problems instead of wasting it on me , i hate that its so bad people see it every day, they see the way my attitude changes, the highs and lows, the zoning out, the obsession, the everything . And i dont want them to be worried about me bc im not important. its the truth im not fucking important and i dont want something i make fun of being all about me. Idk what else to do or say. I just know that im tired and drained. but i also hate saying that bc WTF am i tired about, I barley work as hard as the ones around me do but this empty feeling inside me and ripping so much of myself kills me and drains everything out of me. I dont know.
- kg 3/13/23
3:05
