hi

i cant fucking do it

i cant i just cant.

The moods keep going up and keep going down. November straight after my birthday, I got depressed. Mid december I escaped the depression. Now mid January I want to die again.

I mean ive always wanted to die, but im suicidal idk whats wrong with me theres no cure. and heres the thing.
If i try to reach out for help myself without the help of a family member, its always fucking "You can talk to us thats what we're here for," "Talk to us not strangers who tell everyone everything."
oh but they never taught me how to talk to them about those things bc i always feel judged, anything is always used against me. My friends tell me to open up but i cant i physically cant. the words wont get out my mouth, through my tongue and teeth. my fingers cant bare to text it. i cant do it. im so tired
and then by the time they realize they cant help u they try to get u professional help but at that point u dont want it anymore because youve given up. its simple. listen to us the first time.