But We Could Get By

Chapter 11

"What's bothering you, mum?" Johanna asked. "Mr. T thinks Lucy's dead. I never told him she was, but I never told him she wasn't either." Nellie responded. "What did you tell him?" Johanna asked. "Just that she drank poison." Nellie said. "What should I do? I don't wanna lie to him, but I know the truth will hurt him!" "I think you should just tell him the truth. I know it'll hurt him, but I think it'll be better in the long run. He deserves to know the truth." Johanna said. Nellie sighed. "You're right. What's wrong with me?" She asked. "Nothing's wrong with you. You just wanted to spare dad's feelings. That's understandable." Johanna reassured.
   Nellie felt like crying, but she tried her best to keep it in. "I'm a horrible person." She muttered. "Don't say that, mum! You're a wonderful person! Why would you think that?" Johanna asked. "Because a part of me wanted to keep up this lie." Nellie said. "Mostly to spare Mr. Todd's feelings, of course, but a part of me thought that maybe if he didn't know Lucy was out there..." "He'd want to be with you." Johanna finished her sentence for her.
   "How selfish must I be?" Nellie asked. "How could I think something like that? Why was I thinking like that?" "I think the fact you feel bad about those thoughts says more about you than the thoughts themselves." Johanna said. "You don't think I'm selfish?" Nellie asked. "I think you had a moment of selfishness, but you're not a selfish person. I mean, you've done everything you could just to make sure I could have a good life. You've always put everyone before yourself. Me, dad, Toby... I think this time, you just wanted to put yourself first for once." Johanna said. "Point is, I don't think you're a horrible person. You're quite the opposite. You should tell dad the truth though." Nellie smiled. "Thanks, Johanna. And I will."

That night, Nellie found herself unable to stay asleep. Every time she fell asleep, she had horrible nightmares, and she'd soon wake up. She thought about what Johanna had said earlier. "I don't think you're a horrible person. You're quite the opposite." She wondered how Johanna could think so highly of her. She wondered how anyone could think so highly of her. All she seemed to do was lie to people. She lied to Sweeney about Lucy, she lied to Toby about what was in the pies, she lied to everyone about what was in the pies. And, of course, there was the fact that she was making and selling meat pies made out of human flesh in the first place. She sighed and closed her eyes, trying once again to push it all out of her mind and fall asleep.

"Mrs. Lovett." She heard a voice say. She turned around, and saw the beggar woman, Lucy Barker. She opened her mouth to speak, but before she could say anything, she heard her say, "All these years on the street, and you never once thought to take me in." "I didn't know you were living on the street until-" She could barely get a sentence out. "And I tried to take you in! You always ran away!" She then said. "And now you're telling him I'm dead." Lucy said. "I never told him that! He came to that conclusion on his own!" Nellie exclaimed defensively. "Always quick to blame anyone but yourself." Lucy stated. "I-" "Never knew you'd turn out to be so selfish. And a liar too. You know, Benjamin's never loved either of those." Lucy said.
   Nellie didn't understand why she was saying all this. She knew it was true, and she knew she deserved it, but it was so unlike Lucy to be so cold. Maybe it was because this wasn't the Lucy she knew. In fact, this wasn't Lucy at all. It was all in her head, a manifestation of her guilty conscience. "You really think you have a chance? You think he'd really love someone like you?" Lucy asked. "How could anyone love you? Especially if they knew who you really are." "Shut up!" Nellie shouted, tears streaming down her face. "You can tell me to shut up all you want. Doesn't make it less true." Lucy responded.
   "You're not real!" Nellie exclaimed. "I'm very real. Your guilt is real, isn't it?" Lucy replied. "Or is that a lie too?" "I'm not a liar." Nellie mumbled. "Lies!" Lucy exclaimed. "You liar!" "Would you rather him know how much you suffered? Don't you know how much that would hurt him?" Nellie asked. "Don't pretend that's what this is all about." Lucy responded. "I know a part of you thinks that keeping us apart will somehow give you a chance." "That's not the only reason. That's not even the main reason. I really care about him, I don't want to see him in pain." Nellie said. "But you don't deny that it's one of your reasons." Lucy replied. "I know how awful it is." Nellie muttered. "I know how awful I am. I don't need you to tell me."
   "He's going to find out eventually." Lucy said. "No matter how much you try to hide it, he will find out." Nellie opened her mouth to speak, but Lucy continued. "Why keep this secret anyway? What difference will it make? He doesn't love you. Him not knowing about me isn't going to change that."