But We Could Get By

Chapter 35

Nellie felt as though everything around her had come crashing down as she stood there, realizing she'd have to explain herself as Sweeney stood there angry at her. That admiration she had recalled seeing in his eyes seemed to be gone. She found herself wanting to cry, but she did her best to keep the tears away. "Please dear, don't yell." She said. "Let me explain." "You told me Lucy had died!" Sweeney shouted. "I told you she drank a poison, and she did!" Nellie responded. "I never said she died!" "You made me believe she was dead!" Sweeney exclaimed. "She had fallen so ill after poisoning herself. I tried so hard to help her, but I couldn't. She should've gone to a hospital, but they took her to the asylum instead." Nellie explained. "Eventually, she went mad, and she now hardly remembers a thing. You saw how she was. I didn't want you to have to see that, it would've only hurt worse."
   "It already hurt thinking she was dead, you could've just told me the truth!" Sweeney said. "You wouldn't have been able to move on if you knew the truth!" Nellie replied. "You would've felt even worse than you already did, knowing she was still there but would never be the same, knowing she's so close but you'll never get to be with her!" "As if I wasn't already struggling to move on." Sweeney mumbled angrily. "Why do you want me to move on so badly?" He then asked, raising his voice once again. Nellie felt a sharp pain in her chest, hearing him raise his voice at her. It really hurt, knowing how angry he was at her, especially knowing how unforgiving he could be. Had things been ruined for good? "No!" She thought to herself. "We'll figure things out, we have to! We were so happy not too long ago!" "I just want you to be happy!" Nellie said aloud. "And you thought lying to me was the thing to do?" Sweeney asked. "I didn't- I mean, I suppose I did, but really, I did what I thought was for the best!" Nellie responded.
   "Please, stop fighting!" Johanna chimed in. "What made you think lying to me was a good idea?" Sweeney asked, ignoring her. "And don't say it was for my own good, or that it was to protect me or anything, because if you really cared about me, you would've told me that she was alive! She asked if she knew me, and I nearly panicked! Do you know what I could've done had I not known?" "You don't think I care about you?" Nellie asked. "I care so deeply about you! Hell, I probably care too much!" She exclaimed. "I'll admit, I'm terrible! I just wanted us all to be happy, and I wanted us to be together! I wanted to be with you so badly, and I let that get in the way of telling you the truth, but don't think that's the only reason! I swear, I also just wanted to protect you! I may have done something terrible, and you may think I'm terrible, but I did all of this because I love you!"
   She noticed that tears were streaming down her face. She decided against wiping them away, for more would just pour out anyway. Sweeney didn't say anything in response. He just stood there, appearing to be in disbelief. Nellie also couldn't believe what had just happened. The truth had come out, and so had her long overdue confession of love. If only this wasn't the circumstance in which she told him. Of course, there was the time that they had almost kissed, but who knew if he had heard her then. It made her sad thinking about that time, knowing that she had probably ruined what they had. "I've always loved you." She finally said, breaking the silence. "I know I messed up, and I feel so awful, but-" "Just go." Sweeney said. "Please love, let us work things out, I know we can work things out!" Nellie pleaded. "I said go!" Sweeney shouted. "Just leave me alone!" Nellie sighed sadly. "Alright, dear." She muttered. "I suppose I should've known better than to think you'd ever love me." She said through tears. "I should've known better than to think that you and Johanna both wouldn't rather be with Lucy."
   She stormed off, and by the time she got to her room, she was sobbing. Things had been going so well, but now it was all being ripped away from her. Just that morning, it had seemed as though maybe he loved her, and that they'd soon be together. They were all so happy, but now all of that was gone. Nellie felt as though her heart had shattered into a million pieces, and it didn't help to think about all the good times, all the lovely moments that she and Sweeney had shared. All the times they had danced across the pie shop, all the goodnight kisses, all the times they had held each other, all the times they had made jokes and laughed together, all of their conversations...
   She cried harder as she thought about it all, knowing that Sweeney probably didn't want to spend any time with her anymore, knowing that it'd probably be a while before he forgave her, if he ever did. How close he had been, how close they had been to being happy together, but of course everything had to go wrong. Suddenly, she heard a knock on her door. "Mum?" She heard Johanna's voice from outside. "What?" She replied. "May I come in?" Johanna asked. "I guess." Nellie said. Johanna opened the door and walked in. "I just wanted to check on you." She said. "I'm so sorry about dad, I told him not to shout." "Everything was going so well." Nellie muttered. "I know." Johanna replied. "I'm so sorry. I feel like this is my fault." "How would it be your fault?" Nellie asked. "I'm the one to blame. I shouldn't have lied in the first place. I just thought... I don't know."
   "I didn't know that you hadn't told him about her. When she barged in, there was so much shouting, and dad seemed real angry. I just wanted the shouting to stop, I thought maybe he just didn't recognize her. I didn't know he wasn't aware she was alive at all." Johanna explained. "Why didn't you tell him? I'm not mad, just wondering." "Because I was stupid enough to think that was what was best for him, and selfish enough to think that was what was best for me." Nellie responded. "Oh mum, you're not stupid or selfish!" Johanna said. "I am, I really am." Nellie mumbled. "I care about you both so much, and I don't wanna lose you." She said. "I just wanted us all to be happy, but I know that I don't belong. I'll never belong. I'll always just be Lucy's lesser replacement."
   "Mum, that's not true at all, I assure you!" Johanna exclaimed. "I really do care about you, and I know dad does too, even if he's mad right now! You mean a lot to us both!" "I've ruined everything! He's never gonna forgive me, he's not the forgiving type! He probably hates me now!" Nellie cried. "I love him so much, and he probably hates me!" "He doesn't hate you, mum!" Johanna reassured. "And you didn't ruin anything! I know dad isn't the forgiving type, but I'm sure he could make an exception for you! You're his closest friend!" She added. "And if it helps at all, I can always talk to him." "You don't have to do that." Nellie said. Johanna sighed. "I'm so sorry you're dealing with this, mum. I really do hope things get better."
   She then wrapped her arms around her. Nellie hugged her tightly and continued to sob. "I'm so sorry, Johanna!" She said. "I don't know how you still care about me!" "Oh mum, I'll always care about you!" Johanna responded. "You're my mother, and I love you!" "I love you too, Johanna!" Nellie said. She gave her a kiss on the forehead. "Thank you for being here for me, and being so understanding!" "Any time, mum!" Johanna replied. "Any time!"