But We Could Get By

Chapter 22

The more that time had passed, the more Sweeney wondered what had gotten into him. He had told himself never again, but after that one night, it had practically become routine, giving his dear friend Nellie a goodnight kiss on the head, and it didn't seem to take any persuasion from her. One day turned into two, which soon turned into a week, and then another week. It had almost been a month now, since that night, and it seemed as though such gestures of affection had become as natural to him as breathing.
   He couldn't deny that he had a soft spot for Nellie. He had grown to hate most of the world, aside from his daughter Johanna, of course, and also Nellie. She was his closest friend, one of the only people he had to turn to, someone he could rely on and trust to always be there. As much as he tried to hide it in the past, he cared deeply about her. Even on the days he didn't try to hide it, and wasn't distracted by his grief and desire for revenge, he felt he wasn't the best at showing it, though he at least tried, for he told her that he'd make up for the times he pushed her away. Overall, that seemed to be going quite well. He had started to spend as much time with her as he could, whether they were going on walks, reading together, dancing, or just talking. Spending time with her seemed to clear his head, and momentarily make him forget about his troubles.
   As nice as it was to not have to think about the pain he felt, he felt bad for allowing himself to briefly forget about it. He wasn't the type to forget or forgive. He'd always remember what Judge Turpin and Beadle Bamford had done to him, and what they had done to his beloved Lucy, and he'd make them pay. He felt a sharp pain in his chest as he thought about Lucy. He still missed her dearly. Not a day went by where he didn't miss her. He frequently dreamed of a world where he was never sent away, where they could've been happy together, where he could've seen Johanna grow up. He was grateful for the fact that he was finally there for her now, that it wasn't too late to be in her life again, but he still wished he could've been there for all of it. He still missed the way things were, he still mourned the loss of his old life, and yet here he was, feeling happy while spending time with a woman who wasn't Lucy.
   He felt horrible about it. How could he be so happy with Nellie, knowing what all he had lost, and knowing he still had yet to avenge both Lucy and himself? How dare he call her "love" and kiss her goodnight when he had sworn that he'd never do anything like that ever again? How could he be so affectionate towards her? Nellie was his friend, of course, and she deserved all the kindness and affection in the world. Even what he had to offer felt small compared to what she deserved. She deserved someone who was better at paying attention to her, someone who was better at expressing their feelings, someone who could spend time with her without feeling a twinge of guilt, someone who didn't have all of this baggage to burden her with.
   As guilty as he felt for being happy with her, he also couldn't help but feel guilty about being unable to fully enjoy his time with her without feeling at least somewhat strange. He enjoyed her company, but he couldn't help but still long for Lucy, which he also felt guilty about, because what if it seemed like he didn't appreciate Nellie, or want her there? Of course he appreciated her. She had done so much for him and Johanna both, and she was just wonderful in general. He truly didn't know what he'd do without her. A world without Nellie Lovett was a world he didn't want to live in, or even think about, for that matter.
   Sweeney already knew that his mind was far from easy, but he wasn't expecting everything to feel this complicated. He was suddenly snapped out of his thoughts by the sound of a piano. It had sounded faint, but he could almost hear it clearly enough. He decided to go see who was playing, though he figured it was Nellie. She played the piano often, and she was quite good at it, though she swore she was average at best. As he entered the room in which the sound was coming from, he realized his guess was correct, it was Nellie at the piano. He stood there in silence for a moment, just listening, unsure of what to say.
   "She really does play beautifully." He thought to himself. Perhaps he could mention that. "You play quite nicely." He finally said. Nellie seemed quite startled, for she wound up playing a wrong note. "Mr. Todd!" She said. "I didn't know you were here!" "I was only here for a moment. Sorry to startle you." Sweeney responded. "I mean what I said though, you're quite good at the piano." "Thank you." Nellie said with a smile. Sweeney found himself wanting to smile back at her, but he fought the urge. That smile of hers truly was contagious. She could light up a whole room with that smile.
   "I used to be able to play ages ago, but it's been a while." He said, hoping that speaking would help him keep a straight face. "I'm sure you could still play if you really tried." Nellie responded. "I remember when we were younger, you tried to teach me how to play the first bit of Moonlight Sonata." Sweeney thought for a moment, recalling the time that Nellie was referring to. It was nice that she seemed to remember so much from when they were younger. He was glad to have these reminders. He never truly forgot about those times, they were just buried deep in the back of his mind. After all that he had been through, it took him a while to be able to remember even the simple things from the past. He had even forgotten his own birthday once.
   "Do you remember that?" He heard Nellie ask. "I do." He replied. He walked over to the bench and took a seat beside her. "I suppose I can see if I've still got it." He played a few random notes, and then began his attempt at actually playing something. He found himself fumbling a few times, but not as much as he had expected. "You're doing great!" Nellie stated excitedly. "I suppose it's not too bad for someone who hasn't even touched a piano in fifteen years." Sweeney responded. "You're definitely better at it than me though." Nellie placed her hand on top of his, and he could feel his heartbeat begin to speed up. "You're doing a wonderful job." She said, leaning her head on his shoulder. "You're wonderful."
   Sweeney glanced at her, and found himself staring. How absolutely beautiful she was. She still had that bright smile on her face, and such a kind look in her eyes, which were easy to get lost in. He tried to force himself to look away, but he couldn't seem to do so. He couldn't even seem to think of something to say. Sometimes he wondered if Nellie did this on purpose, if she somehow knew exactly what to do to leave him speechless? What was it about her? How did she have this affect on him? "Were one of you playing the piano?" He looked over and saw Johanna standing before him. He almost wanted to thank her for walking in when she did, and giving him something other than Nellie to focus on. "I was playing a little bit earlier, and then Mr. T gave it a shot." Nellie said. Johanna smiled. "That's nice." She replied. "I didn't know you played piano, dad." "I've played before when I was younger. It's been a while." Sweeney said. "You did an amazing job though!" Nellie exclaimed. "I'm sure you both played wonderfully." Johanna said. "You should try playing a duet!" "I'm not sure if I'll be able to do that." Sweeney replied. "We can try." Nellie said. "Don't worry Mr. Todd, I'll start."
   She began to play some chords, and soon created a melody. It sounded lovely, as always. He eventually decided to add onto what she was playing. He was still quite nervous about it, but surprisingly enough, he managed to get through it without fumbling too much. He could hear Nellie humming along to the melody. How endearing he found it. He noticed that she would often sing or hum to herself whenever she was cleaning up after a long work day. He couldn't help but find it adorable. "Mr. Todd?" He heard her say. He realized that she had stopped playing the piano, and that he was playing random notes. He quickly stopped playing. "I told you it's been a while since I last played." Nellie laughed a little. "It's alright, I understand."
   "You seemed to be staring into space. Is everything alright?" Johanna asked. "I'm fine." Sweeney replied. "I just got a bit distracted, that's all." Johanna raised an eyebrow and giggled. "Distracted by what, exactly?" Sweeney's eyes narrowed. "What are you implying?" He asked. "Oh, nothing." Johanna said nonchalantly. "Are you implying something?" Sweeney sighed. "I'm so confused right now." "You and me both." Nellie said. "Oh, it's nothing." Johanna said through laughter. "I suppose I'll take your word for it." Sweeney responded. "You two played quite beautifully!" Johanna said, switching the subject. "Well, until dad spaced out, but that's alright." Nellie tried not to laugh. "Quite honest, she is." "Sorry, dad. I hope that didn't come off as rude." Johanna said. "It's fine." Sweeney replied. "I appreciate the honesty." "Well, I've got a date with Anthony soon, so I'm gonna be heading out." Johanna said. "I'll see you later." "Alright, just be careful out there." Sweeney responded. "Don't worry, I will." Johanna said.
   She waved goodbye, then headed out, and Nellie waved back at her. "I'm happy for her and Anthony." She said. "I'm glad things seem to be working out with them." "Yeah." Sweeney mumbled. "He's a nice young man. I'm glad Johanna chose him out of everyone she could've chosen. So many terrible people out there, you never know who you can trust." Nellie nodded. "Johanna's a smart kid though. She'd never stay with someone if they were bad for her." "She is quite smart." Sweeney said. "I'm glad she seems happy." "Me too." Nellie replied. "She's got Anthony, she seems to be getting along with Toby, and she's got her father back after all those years." Sweeney nodded. "And she's got you too. I'm sure she's happy about that." "I suppose." Nellie said.
   He wasn't sure if this was one of those moments, but he noticed that Nellie often seemed to think quite low of herself. He understood how she might have thought he didn't care as much as he did, for he wasn't the best at showing it, but Johanna definitely cared, she had to have known that. Maybe it was the insecurities she had told him about, telling her lies about what others thought of her. He wished she knew how wonderful she was. "Johanna's lucky to have you." He said. "And I am too." "You really think so?" Nellie asked. "Of course." Sweeney replied. "You know Johanna cares about you, and I do too." Nellie smiled once again, and he felt his heart skip a beat. He wasn't sure why that had happened. Sure, he liked seeing her happy, and she had a beautiful smile, but why did his heart feel like it was going to burst?
   "You know, you say you're not good at expressing that you care, but I'd say you're doing a good job." Nellie said. She gave him a kiss on the cheek. "You're so lovely, Mr. T." Sweeney had to fight the urge to pull her close and hold her. He knew he had held her before, but the last few times, it was to comfort her. He couldn't deny that it also felt quite comforting to him though, and that he actually liked holding onto her. He recalled that one time she had come to him in the middle of the night after having a nightmare, seeking comfort. Though he felt like he wasn't qualified, he did the best he could to help her. He remembered how she had asked him to hold her, and he obliged. Though he did so solely to comfort her, ever since that night, he found himself wanting to hold her again. He found himself searching for excuses to do so. He had no idea why.
   Maybe he missed having someone to hold. That would've made sense, though he didn't want it to seem like he was just using Nellie as a replacement for Lucy. He'd never do that to her, at least he didn't want to. Once again, he thought about how she deserved better. She deserved someone who was easier to be around, easier to care about. She deserved someone who could hold her without at least occasionally thinking about another. Even so, he couldn't help but dislike the idea of her in someone else's arms. He wasn't sure why, it just felt wrong. "What is wrong with me?" He thought to himself. "I'm overthinking this. I don't feel that way about her, and who's to say she feels that way about me?" He tried to push away all the thoughts that implied anything of the sort. How could he possibly be comparing spending time with her to spending time with Lucy?
   "Is everything alright, love?" He heard her ask, pulling him out of his thoughts. "I'm fine." He lied. "It's nothing." Nellie leaned on him, and once again, he found himself wanting to hold her. "What is wrong with me?" He repeated in his head. He thought about pulling her close, and he could imagine how nice and warm it felt. "I should go." He said, quickly standing up. "Are you sure you're alright?" Nellie asked. "I'm sure." Sweeney replied. "I just need to be alone right now." He rushed upstairs and locked himself away in his room. He liked spending time with Nellie, and he wanted to stay there with her, but he couldn't let himself do so, not while he was thinking about how lovely she was, and how badly he wanted to hold her. Even now that he was away from her though, he still thought about it. He could almost feel her there in his arms, and he couldn't help but smile. "Damn it, Mrs. Lovett!" He thought to himself. "What is it about you?"