But We Could Get By

Chapter 23

"Anthony!" Johanna exclaimed, running to him. "Good afternoon, Johanna!" Anthony said. "How are you today?" "I'm doing quite well today." Johanna responded. "So, where would you like to go?" She then asked. "I'm not sure." Anthony replied. "How about we stop by the flower shop, and you can pick out a bouquet. It'll be on me." "You don't have to do that." Johanna said. "It's alright, I want to." Anthony responded. "I know you love flowers. I want to get some for you." Johanna couldn't help but smile. She wasn't sure how she got lucky enough to be with the sweetest man she knew, but she always felt grateful for it. "You're so lovely, Anthony." She said. "You're the lovely one." Anthony responded, smiling back at her. Johanna felt as though her heart had melted. He was so sweet and adorable. She adored his kindhearted nature, his way with words, and how bright and optimistic he was. He was absolutely wonderful to be around, and so easy to talk to.
   With most people outside of her family, she kept her guard up. As she got older, she had grown distrustful of the world. She had seen too many times how people could be cruel. Anthony was different though. With him, she didn't feel the need to hide, or be on guard all the time. She could let her walls down, and actually open up. "How did I get so lucky to find someone like you?" She asked. Anthony appeared to be quite flustered. "I- Well... Oh, you." He mumbled. "My sweet Johanna." Johanna laughed a little. "Oh, Anthony." She gave him a kiss on the cheek. "You're the sweetest."

"What kind of flowers do you want?" Anthony asked. "Crocus is your favorite, right?" "Yes." Johanna replied. "You remembered." "Of course I did." Anthony said. "I was also going to get some gillies and chrysanthemums for mum and dad, if that's alright." Johanna responded. "That's fine by me." Anthony said. "How's it going with them?" He then asked. "It's been a while since I've last visited. Have you and Toby had any luck playing matchmaker?" "Not yet." Johanna said. "Dad seems to really like her, but he's really oblivious about it. Every time I imply something, he's either confused or defensive."
   Anthony nodded. "Yeah, this might take a while." Johanna laughed a little. "It might. I think it's possible though. He and mum have been spending a lot of time together lately, and they really are quite loving with each other." "That's good." Anthony replied. "I really do wish the best for them. They've both dealt with a lot." "I do too. I hope one of these days, we can leave all the pain behind us, and mum, dad, Toby, and I can be a normal, happy family." Johanna said. "And you're a part of my ideal life too, of course." "I'd hope so." Anthony replied, laughing a little. "And in this ideal future, I'll find us a place with a garden for you to tend to, just like you've wanted." "That would be wonderful!" Johanna exclaimed. "Maybe one day, we'll have a place like that." "One day, we will." Anthony replied. "I just know it."

"I should probably bring these flowers home, but maybe later, we can go out and get dinner." Johanna said. "Alright." Anthony replied. "I'll walk you home." "Thank you." Johanna said. "You don't have to thank me." Anthony responded. "Of course I'd accompany you. I wanna make sure you get home safely." "You're so sweet." Johanna said with a smile. "I just care deeply about my partner." Anthony replied. "I love you." Johanna said. "I love you too, dear." Anthony responded. Johanna once again found herself thinking about how lucky she was to be loved by someone as wonderful as Anthony. She had once thought that she was too difficult to love, that she had too much going on, that she would just burden people with her troubles, that her fear of letting her guard down would ruin her chances of finding anybody.
   Here she was though, walking alongside the best person she could've possibly asked for. She no longer worried that she might be too difficult, for Anthony made sure she felt loved, appreciated, and wanted. This wasn't to say that nobody else in her life did so. Nellie always made sure that she felt loved, and she appreciated her for it, and now she had her father there too. Both Sweeney and Nellie made it clear that they cared about her, and wanted to keep her safe, and she felt safe with them, even after learning what her father intended to do about the Judge, even after already having witnessed him take a life.
   Weirdly enough, it felt nice knowing that soon, she'd never have to worry about Judge Turpin ever again. She didn't want to condone murder, but she understood where Sweeney was coming from. She loved her family, and she knew that they loved her. It was romantic love that she had worried about in the past though. She had witnessed multiple times how cruel people could be, which lead her to worry about ever opening herself up and being vulnerable with someone. She had also seen how heartbroken Nellie was, how much pain she was in from loving Sweeney so much. She had seen the way she'd cry over him, wishing more than anything that he'd love her too, and the way she'd try so hard to hold herself together but was always on the brink of falling apart from how much she missed him while he was gone.
   Johanna had once feared loving someone that much, to the point where she could potentially end up that heartbroken. Now though, she could feel that fear fade away, for she had someone who truly loved her, someone who never made her feel afraid to open up. "Well, here we are." She heard Anthony say as they stopped outside of her house. "Thanks again for walking me home." She said. "Really, it's no problem at all." Anthony responded. "I'll see you later, Johanna." "See you later, Anthony." She gave him a quick kiss on the lips, then walked inside.
   "Hello, Johanna." Toby said as she walked through the door. "Good afternoon, Toby." "How was it?" Toby asked. "It was wonderful!" Johanna exclaimed. "It always is, being with Anthony." "That's nice." Toby replied. "How has your day been?" Johanna asked. "It's been fine." Toby said. "Mum was teaching me piano earlier. I've still got a long way to go, but I'm starting to understand the basics." "That's great!" Johanna replied. "Where is she now? I got her some flowers. I got some for dad too, do you know where he is?" "I believe mum is in her room right now, and Mr. Todd is in his shop." Toby said. Johanna nodded. "I'll just find a vase for these."
   "You're back!" She heard a voice say. She glanced over and saw Nellie walking towards the counter. "How was your date?" "Amazing, as always!" Johanna replied. "That's wonderful!" Nellie said. "I really am happy for you two. I'm glad you've found someone so sweet and caring." Johanna smiled. "I am too." She grabbed a vase and filled it with water. "Anthony bought me some flowers, and I decided to get some for you and dad as well! I know how much you love gillies, and he says he likes chrysanthemums!" "Oh, that's so sweet!" Nellie exclaimed. "Thank you, dear!" "You're welcome." Johanna replied. "You're back." She heard her father say as he walked down the stairs. She nodded in response. "Anthony and I plan on going out to dinner later, but I needed to bring these flowers here." She gestured to the flowers in the vase. "The chrysanthemums are for you." "Really?" Sweeney asked. "Thanks, I guess. You didn't have to." "It's no problem. I wanted to." Johanna said. "I put them in the vase alongside mum's gillyflowers for now, but if you want them in your room, you can bring them up there." "It's fine." Sweeney replied. "I think they look quite nice where they are now." "I agree." Nellie said. "What a lovely bouquet we've got here." "Well, I'm going to go put my flowers in my room." Johanna said. "You can just wait here, I won't be long."
   She tried not to laugh. She was still very much in the process of trying to set up Sweeney with Nellie. She had a few different plans up her sleeve, though the easiest one seemed to be having them spend as much time together as possible. It didn't take any convincing to have them do so, for they were usually spending time with each other anyway. Of course, they didn't have to be alone together for this plan to work. Johanna believed that her and Toby being with them could also be beneficial, and besides, she loved spending time with her family. So far, she seemed to have good luck in getting them closer, but her father still seemed quite reluctant to even think about possibly loving again.
   She grabbed another vase, and brought it to her room, setting the flowers inside of it. As she turned around to leave, she noticed Sweeney standing there before her. "What are you doing?" She asked. "Did you follow me?" "Sorry." Sweeney mumbled. "It's fine, I was just curious as to why." "I can't be alone with Mrs. Lovett right now." Sweeney said. "Toby's there, isn't he?" Johanna asked. "He was. I saw him leave just a bit after I came downstairs." Sweeney responded. Johanna tried not to laugh. "Good job, Toby. You get the plan." She thought to herself. "Why is it that you can't be alone with mum?" She then said aloud. "Because, well... It's hard to explain." Sweeney replied. "Try me." Johanna stated. Sweeney sighed. "Things have just felt so strange lately." He said. "I kept getting this weird feeling, like my heart was leaping inside my chest. I don't know why this happens, but no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to get it under control. I don't know what it is with her. All she has to do is smile, and all of a sudden, I can hardly breathe. I don't know what's gotten into me."
   For a moment, all Johanna could do was stare in silence. She was familiar with the feeling Sweeney had described. It was how she felt whenever she was with Anthony. She remembered back when she had first fallen for him, she was also confused as to what it was, just as confused and startled as Sweeney seemed to be now. "I suppose love can be like that." She thought. "Confusing and startling." "I don't know if I'm making sense at all." She heard him say. "None of this makes sense." "I get what you're saying." She said. "I understand the feeling." "You do?" Sweeney asked. Johanna nodded. "When I first caught feelings for Anthony, I felt something similar. I always wanted to be with him, I felt like my heart was racing whenever I saw him, the sound of his voice made me feel like I could melt, and I was always overjoyed whenever I got to be with him." She explained. "And I got the feeling that I wanted to be close to him. I wanted to hold his hand and say nice things to him, and I wanted to hear him say those things to me."
   She couldn't help but smile as she thought about Anthony, and the times she had spent with him. How she adored him, and the way he held her hand, the way he'd pull her close whenever she felt scared, their conversations, how good of a listener he was, the way he'd buy her flowers, the way he'd talk about their future, she loved it all. "You're not saying what I think you're saying, are you?" Sweeney asked. Johanna laughed a little. "Depends, what do you think I'm saying?" "I don't have those feelings for Mrs. Lovett." Sweeney responded. "I can't. I still love and miss Lucy, it's too soon." "You said it, not me." Johanna stated. "You're the one who implied it." Sweeney said. "Mrs. Lovett is my friend, and she means a lot to me, but I don't- I'm not..." He paused for a moment. "Even if I was though, which I'm not, I can't put myself through that again." "Through what?" Johanna asked. "I can't allow myself to feel that way again." Sweeney replied. "I loved Lucy, and I lost her. All loving her did in the end was cause pain. I told myself I'd never love again, not after that. Who's to say I won't lose Mrs. Lovett too?"
   "You won't lose her." Johanna said. "Besides, you already care about her, so I'd imagine you'd already feel sad if you did lose her. And you'd feel sad about losing me too, wouldn't you?" "Of course!" Sweeney replied. "Then it wouldn't make a difference, would it?" Johanna asked. "I was scared of falling in love too, but I'm so happy with Anthony now, and I wouldn't trade it for anything." "I'm happy for you both. It's nice to see you happy, and I'm glad you found someone who's so good to you." Sweeney said. "Mrs. Lovett and I are not you and Anthony though, and clearly Lucy and I aren't either. We're not going to have that fairytale ending and live happily ever after. That's just not how life works, at least not my life."
   Johanna sighed. It made her sad to see her father in such pain, to see him so upset, so hopeless, so deeply hurt. "I know you've been hurt before, and I know you feel like your life will never get any better, but I hope you know that it won't always be like this. This will pass." She said. "And if being with mum makes you happy, you shouldn't let your fear of loving again get in the way. I know it's scary, but it'll be worth it." "I'm not in love with her!" Sweeney stated defensively. "But even if I was, she deserves better than me." "That's not true! You're amazing!" Johanna replied. "You really think so?" Sweeney asked. "Of course I do, and mum does too!" Johanna said.
   Sweeney sighed. "She deserves better than me." He repeated. "And yet I don't like thinking about her with anyone else." "I know you don't want to hear this, but there is a reason for that." Johanna responded. "And trust me, you're a lot better than you think you are." Sweeney sighed again. "Thank you, Johanna." He said. "I'm sorry for pouring all of this out to you. It must be strange to hear all of this from your father." "It's no problem." Johanna said. "Anything for my family." "Thanks again." Sweeney said with a smile. "If you have anything troubling you, you can always turn to me." Johanna wrapped her arms around him. "I love you, dad." Sweeney hugged her and kissed the top of her head. "I love you too, Jo." "I don't think anyone's called me Jo before." Johanna said. "Oh." Sweeney mumbled. "Are you alright with that?" "Of course. I think it's a cute little nickname." Johanna said with a smile.
   She decided to stay there with her father for a while. She figured he could use the affection, and also, she quite liked being with her family, and she liked the hugs. It had been a few months now, but she still couldn't help but feel overjoyed that Sweeney was finally back after spending years not even really knowing him. She was happy to finally be getting to know him. His years in prison had clearly changed him, but she could still see that he cared about her, and that deep down, he just wanted the pain to go away, and he wanted to be with his loved ones. She understood how that felt.
   Luckily though, things seemed to be looking up for them both. He was home again, and though he still had a lot he was dealing with, he seemed to be happy to at least still have someone from his family, and even if he wouldn't admit it, it seemed as though he was falling in love again. As for Johanna, she had her father back, she had a new brother, her mother seemed to be at least somewhat happier, and she had a wonderful relationship with her best friend, who was also the love of her life. Maybe that happy family she dreamed of wasn't too far out of reach after all.