But We Could Get By

Chapter 2

Nellie woke up in a cold sweat. She wasn't sure what time it was, only that it was definitely past midnight. It wasn't the first time she had a nightmare. She had many, and every time, she had to comfort herself. She always comforted Johanna whenever she had nightmares, but she had no one to do the same for her. Not that Johanna wouldn't do the same, because she would. She just always pretended that she didn't have nightmares. She felt like she had to pretend she didn't have her own problems. She had to be positive for Johanna. Being happy all the time was a lot of pressure. Sometimes, she felt like breaking, but she couldn't show it. She wondered if Benjamin would comfort her after having a nightmare. She could almost feel his embrace. "Don't worry, love. It's just a silly nightmare. I'm right here." She felt like she could hear him. She found herself trying to hug him, only to remember he wasn't there. She sighed, and stared at the ceiling.
   "Mum." She heard a voice whisper. "Johanna." She replied. "I had a nightmare. Can I sleep in here tonight?" Johanna asked. "Of course, dear." Nellie said. "What was your nightmare about?" She asked. Johanna sat next to her. "The Judge took me away." She said. "Just like he tried to a few years ago." Nellie hugged her. "Don't worry, Johanna. I won't let that happen." She reassured. "You promise?" Johanna asked. "I promise." Nellie replied. Johanna smiled. "Goodnight." She said, laying down. "Goodnight." Nellie replied.

"We really had to wake up early for groceries?" Johanna asked. "They would've all been sold out if we hadn't gotten there when we did." Nellie said. "You didn't buy much." Johanna pointed out. "I don't have enough money to buy much." Nellie responded. "Oh." Johanna mumbled. "More people need to buy your pies." She said. "Yeah. I understand why they don't want to though. These are the worst pies in London." Nellie responded. "I'm pretty sure Mrs. Mooney's pies are worse. She uses cats." Johanna said. "True." Nellie replied. "Cat pies sound disgusting." She added. "Poor kitties." Johanna said. Nellie didn't respond. She found herself staring at the wall. She recalled the day Benjamin was sent away, just a bit before it happened.

***

"Lucy and I are going into town. Would you like to join us?" Benjamin asked. "I would love to, but I can't. The shop's not gonna clean itself." Nellie said. "I understand." Benjamin replied. "I guess there's always next time." He added. "Yeah." Nellie replied. "Though I'm surprised you'd invite me to accompany you in the first place. I mean, don't you know how strange that would seem?" "Why would it be strange?" Benjamin asked. "Well, people might look at it the wrong way." Nellie said. "Oh." Benjamin mumbled. "Them and their assumptions." "It's annoying, isn't it? It's like ever since you got married, we can't even look at each other for too long without raising suspicion. Lord forbid we act like friends anymore." Nellie said. "Lucy knows you're my friend, and that I'm a loyal man. I even asked for her approval before inviting you, and she said I could." Benjamin responded. Nellie sighed. "Too bad nobody else is like Lucy." She said. "I miss spending time with you." "I miss spending time with you as well." Benjamin replied.
   There was a moment of silence. She found herself staring at him. Every day, she couldn't help but fall even more in love with him. It hurt knowing that he loved another, and the fact that they could hardly even spend time together only added insult to injury. She never mentioned it to him or Lucy though. She just wanted her friend to be happy. Even so, she couldn't help but wish he could be happy with her. "Are you alright?" She heard him ask, pulling her out of her thoughts. "You look sad." "I'm fine." She lied. "Are you sure?" Benjamin asked. "I know that look on your face." Nellie sighed. He really did know her well. "Have you ever had something you really wanted to say, but you had to hide it?" She asked. "I don't know. I guess that depends on the context." Benjamin responded. "Do you have something you want to say?" "Yes." Nellie replied. "But I can't." "Why not?" Benjamin asked. "Well, I..." Her voice trailed off. "I love someone, but he's married to someone else. I want to tell him how I feel, but I don't want to make things weird, and I don't want to ruin what he already has. I really do want him to be happy." She explained. "Oh." Benjamin muttered. "Maybe one day I'll tell him the truth, but today's not that day." Nellie said.
   "Are you ready to go?" She heard Lucy ask. "Yes." Benjamin replied. "Is she coming with us?" Lucy asked. "No." Benjamin said. "Alright then." Lucy replied. "We'll see you later, Nellie." Benjamin looked back at her and waved. She watched as the two of them walked out the door, carrying Johanna with them. "Maybe one day, I'll tell him, but not today." She thought to herself.

***

"Mum, are you alright?" Johanna asked. "I should've told him when I had the chance." She mumbled. "What?" Johanna asked. Nellie snapped out of her thoughts. "What?" She seemed to echo. "Are you okay?" Johanna asked. "Yeah." Nellie replied. "You said you should've told him when you had the chance. Who are you talking about?" Johanna asked. "It's nothing." Nellie said. "Please tell me." Johanna begged. "I don't think you'd understand." Nellie responded. "Hey! I understand stuff!" Johanna exclaimed. Nellie sighed. "I just should've been a bit more honest with your father." She said. "Were you lying to him?" Johanna asked. "No. I just didn't tell him something I wish I could've told him." Nellie replied. "Maybe I shouldn't be speaking like this. Makes it sound like he's not coming back, but he is." She added. "Yep! He'll come back, and I'll have two parents!" Johanna exclaimed. "Yep." Nellie said with a smile.
   She grabbed a piece of paper, a quill, and some ink. "I'm writing a letter to him from the both of us. What would you like to say?" She asked. "I thought he couldn't receive letters." Johanna replied. "I don't think he can, but it's worth a shot." Nellie said. Johanna nodded, and thought for a bit. "Ooh, I know!" She chimed. "Dear dad, how are you? I'm sorry you got sent away. I wish you were here so I could meet you. Maybe when you come back, we can walk through town together, and maybe even visit the coast. Mum always talks about going there. It sounds like it would be fun. I can't wait to see you! Love, Johanna." She said. Nellie wrote everything down. "Alright, your letter is done." She replied. She then wrote her own letter.
   "What does your letter say?" Johanna asked. "My dearest Benjamin, I miss you. I wish you were here. Johanna's growing up to be a smart young lady. If only you could see her now." Nellie began. Johanna smiled. "I hope you're able to come back soon. Then the three of us could be a family. Johanna talks about wanting two parents. We both miss you. I can't wait to see you again! Love, Nellie." Nellie continued. Johanna giggled. She tilted her head in confusion. "What?" She asked. "You signed it with love." Johanna said. "Of course I did, I love him." Nellie replied. She immediately realized what she had said, and tried to cover it up. "Because he's my friend." She quickly added.
   "Is that what you were wanting to tell him? That you love him?" Johanna asked. Nellie nodded. "I'm sure he'd like that." She said with a smile. "I don't know. It might make things weird." Nellie responded. "How?" Johanna asked. "I'm sure he'll like knowing he's loved." She added. "You've got a point." Nellie said. "He hasn't seen his family and friends in years. Lord knows he's gonna need some love." She added. "Yeah." Johanna replied.
   "Ooh, you should tell him in your letter!" She exclaimed. "I don't think there's any room to do so." Nellie responded. "Add a P.S." Johanna suggested. Nellie nodded. "What should I say?" She asked. "Just say 'I love you'." Johanna replied. Nellie nodded, and quickly added to the letter. Johanna peeked at what she was writing. "P.S. I just want to let you know that I love you. I wanted to tell you sooner, but I didn't want to make things weird. I've been in love with you for years. Just thought I should finally tell you." She read aloud.
   "Oooooh! You're in looooove!" She then said, giggling. Nellie blushed and laughed a bit. "Does that sound okay?" She asked. "Sounds nice." Johanna replied. "Well, all that's left to do now is send them. I don't think he'll get them, but it's the thought that counts." Nellie said. "Wait a minute..." She mumbled. "Why is it so weird that I signed my letter with 'love, Nellie' when you signed yours with 'love, Johanna'?" She asked. "I'm his daughter. It's different for me." Johanna said. Nellie sighed. "You have a point." She replied. "I'm gonna send these now."