But We Could Get By

Chapter 38

Sweeney had planned on going to sleep at a decent time, but instead, he found himself staying up late reading the letters that Nellie and Johanna had written to him while he was away, the letters that were never sent. He didn't realize just how many there would be. "I suppose I was gone for a long time." He thought to himself. He couldn't help but smile as he read each letter. How sweet their words were. As he read through Johanna's letters, he found himself nearly in tears. He was glad to finally be in her life now, but it still hurt, knowing that for so long, he wasn't there to watch her grow up. He sighed, and sorted through the letters. Finally, there was only one left. Based on the date, it was the most recent, written just before he finally came home. He picked it up, and began to read.

My dearest Benjamin,
Johanna turns sixteen today! It has been so wonderful getting to raise and care for this amazing, smart, and talented young woman! It would be so much better if you were here though. I really do miss you, we both do. You know, she's never met you, and yet she still reminds me of you in so many ways. I can't believe you've been gone for fifteen years now. How has nobody noticed that they made a mistake sending you away? Did no one notice that there was an innocent man among them? I still have hope that you'll come home one day. I've never given up hope. Even so though, I can't deny that my heart always aches knowing that you're not here. I'm so tired of waiting, I'm tired of everything. I wish you'd just show up already. It's been hell having to live without you, my love. I used to be completely unable to imagine a life without you, and even as I'm living it, it's still hard to imagine. I wish more than anything that you were here with me. Whenever you come home, I swear I'm going to hold you so tight, and I'll never let go. I love you so much, Ben. I love you and I miss you.
Love, Nellie

Sweeney found himself wanting to rush downstairs and tell Nellie that he loved her too. He had almost told her earlier, but he couldn't seem to get the words out. The only thing holding him back now was the fact that she was probably asleep. He sighed. "I suppose I can tell her another time." He wasn't quite sure when he planned on telling her. He wanted to wait until the time felt right, but no matter what, he always seemed to talk himself out of it. He wasn't sure why, for he really did want to tell her. He supposed part of it had to do with the fact that he still mourned for Lucy. He knew he was always going to miss her, and like Johanna had told him, she would always be a part of him. That didn't mean he loved Nellie any less though. In fact, his love only seemed to grow stronger as time went on.
He still couldn't believe how long she had loved him. That moment she described as being the time she fell for him had happened when they were only fifteen. He wasn't sure how he had never noticed it before. He figured that maybe he just wasn't all that observant. Now though, he noticed her love, and he felt so lucky to be the one she felt that way for. She still had no idea how he felt. For all he knew, she was probably still broken up inside, believing that he still didn't love her. Though he wasn't sure when he planned on telling her how he felt, he knew that soon, she'd never have to feel that pain ever again. Soon, she'd know just how much he truly loved her.

Johanna found herself feeling slightly uneasy as she thought more about her father's revenge plan. She didn't care at all about the Judge, and as much as she hated to condone murder, she understood where Sweeney was coming from. It was something she had recalled from his previous argument with Nellie that had made her feel so strange. "She asked if she knew me, and I nearly panicked! Do you know what I could've done had I not known?" He had said. Would he have turned to murder if it meant keeping his identity safe? Were there other things that may cause him to lash out? Not to mention, the rage he had expressed... She had never seen such anger from him before. She figured he probably kept it hidden for her sake, not wanting her to see him like that. She wasn't afraid of him, and she never would be. She knew what kind of person he was deep down. With such anger though, she couldn't help but understand where Toby, who had similar emotions directed towards him all his life, was coming from.
He said he was no longer afraid of Sweeney, and for the most part, that seemed true, but she recalled how startled he seemed when he had heard him shouting. Johanna felt awful for thinking too much about this, for she truly believed that her father was a good man deep down, even in his moments of anger, and even if he was a little bit murderous. As awful as she felt for thinking about it though, she wanted to talk to him about it, and learn if he really would've turned to such means in a state of panic. After all, even though he had been home for a little while now, Johanna still had so much she had yet to learn about him.
"Dad?" She said as she knocked on his door. "Yes?" He replied. "May I come in?" She asked. "Of course." He responded. Johanna opened the door and walked in. "Hello, dad." She said. "Hello, Johanna." Sweeney replied. He had a piece of paper in one hand, which he appeared to be reading, and a pen in the other. "Whatcha got there?" Johanna asked. "Oh, it's nothing!" Sweeney replied, quickly setting the paper down. "Nothing?" Johanna asked. She glanced at the paper for a moment, then picked it up. "What are you doing?" Sweeney asked, sounding startled. Johanna giggled as she stared at the paper.
"My dearest Mrs. Lovett..." She read aloud. "Oh lord." Sweeney mumbled. "How did I ever get so lucky to know someone as absolutely wonderful as you?" She continued. "Okay, that's enough!" Sweeney said, trying to take back the paper, though Johanna was quick enough to keep it from him. He sighed and walked over to one of the corners of the room and just stood there, hiding his face in his hands. Johanna couldn't help but laugh. "You truly are so lovely, my dear. I don't know what I did to deserve you, but I am so grateful to have you around." She continued. "I must confess that I have grown to admire you. In fact, admiration is an understatement. I have become so infatuated, completely smitten with you, my love." "This is so embarrassing." Sweeney chimed in.
Johanna giggled, and continued to read. "You have completely stolen this cold, dead heart of mine, which thought it would never feel the warmth of love again. All my troubles seem to melt away when I'm with you. You truly are the light within the darkness that seems to surround me. How easy it is to forget about my pain when I'm with you, whether we're dancing, cracking jokes, listening to each other play piano, or even just chatting away on the sofa as we hold onto each other. I swear, whenever I'm holding you, there's nowhere I'd rather be. It's like I'm holding the world in my arms. I feel as though I could stay with you forever. I want to stay with you forever. I want to live and die by your side. I sound so silly and strange, I know, but I mean every word. I feel like there's so much left I want to say to you, and yet none of it will ever be enough. I suppose the most I can say is this- I love you, Mrs. Lovett. I love you now, and I'll love you always. Forever yours, Sweeney Todd."
Johanna glanced over at her father, who was no longer fully trying to hide himself, though he appeared to be very red in the face. "Sorry, dad." She said, laughing a little. "I'm your daughter, I've gotta tease you every now and then." She asked. "I would do the same to mum when I was younger." "This is far beyond teasing." Sweeney mumbled. "Sorry, dad." Johanna repeated, still giggling. "It's fine, Jo." He said with a sigh. "Did you come up here specifically to tease me?" "No, actually." Johanna replied. "I needed to ask you something. I just hope it doesn't come off wrong." "Ask away." Sweeney said. "Do you think you'd kill someone other than the Judge if pushed far enough?" Johanna asked. "I mean, out of desperation or panic, or if you felt like there was no other option. I was just wondering, 'cause I remember you saying you nearly panicked last week."
"I..." Sweeney's voice trailed off. "I'm not as good as you think I am, Johanna. I've got so much anger and sadness and fear built up inside, and I try not to let it show so much, but you saw with Mr. Johnson how easily all of that anger and grief can explode out. Not that I regret what I did to him at all. And you know I'd never hurt Mrs. Lovett, but I did shout at her, and I did hurt her emotionally. I don't know how she still loves me." "Dad, you've been so wonderful to me, to all of us!" Johanna said. "You've even been quite decent to Toby, and I know you two haven't always gotten along." "All I know how to do is hurt people." Sweeney muttered. "Oh, that's not true!" Johanna replied. "You've never hurt me, and I know you feel bad about mum, but overall, you've been so good to her too! You've always been there when we needed you, and you say all you do is hurt, but you've actually helped us in so many ways! You literally saved us that night when Mr. Johnson had showed up!"
"Well, I couldn't just stand by and watch him hurt you both." Sweeney said. "See?" Johanna replied. "There's so much more to you than hurting people, dad." She said. "Even if you did quite literally kill for us." Sweeney sighed. "I would again if it meant keeping you safe." He said. "I don't know if that's the answer you wanted. I know you'd prefer a father who wasn't so broken, who could solve problems without resorting to violence." "I love you as you are, dad." Johanna reassured. "I'm usually not for taking lives, but you did so to protect mum and I. If that's what's on the line, I understand." "Really?" Sweeney asked. Johanna nodded. "You know, sometimes I've found myself thinking about what I'd do to keep the people I love safe." She said. "I think I'd try my best to do something that wouldn't be too violent, but if someone was trying to hurt you, mum, Anthony, Toby... If they were after any of you, and there was no other way... I understand where you're coming from."
Sweeney appeared to be quite relieved. "Thank you for understanding." He said. "I was so worried that you'd hate me, or think I was some horrible, awful person." "I'd never think that." Johanna replied. "I know that circumstance has forced you to do whatever it takes to survive, it did the same to mum too. I'd probably be at risk of becoming so desperate too if it weren't for all that she's done to protect me. None of that changes how I view either of you though. Neither of you should've been put in such circumstances." She said. "I just hope you know that you don't have to worry about any of those things anymore, whatever it was that you worried about when you were away. You're here now, and you're safe, and you've got all of us. You've got a family now."
For a moment, Sweeney didn't respond. He seemed rather shocked, and Johanna noticed a single tear run down his face. "Thank you, dear." He finally said aloud. "I mean, I..." He briefly paused. "What is it with you and Mrs. Lovett and tearing down the walls I so desperately tried to keep up?" He asked. "I used to tell myself I'd never be this vulnerable again." "Oh dad, come here!" Johanna replied. Sweeney walked over to her, and she wrapped her arms around him. He hugged her tightly, and continued to cry. "For so long, I wanted revenge. I wanted it more than anything." He said. "But I also really wanted to not be so alone." He added. "I know I'll never get back what I had, and that's so hard to come to terms with, and I feel so terrible allowing myself to enjoy what I have now, knowing what all I had lost, but I really do want a family again. I tried to pretend I didn't, and act like all I cared about was revenge, but I don't think I can pretend anymore." "I know it's hard to let go. You don't even have to fully let go, but just know that you've got all of us here. You do have a family, a family that's willing to stand by you no matter what." Johanna responded.
She had seen her dad get emotional before, but this was probably the most she had ever seen from him. It felt bad to see him all broken up, but she was also glad that he was starting to feel comfortable opening up. "Johanna, Mr. Todd?" She heard a voice say. She glanced over and saw Nellie by the door. "Is everything alright?" "I'm fine." Sweeney quickly said. "Come here, mum!" Johanna exclaimed. Nellie walked over to her, and she pulled her into the hug, holding onto both her and Sweeney. "I love you both!" "I love you too, Johanna!" Nellie replied. "And you as well, Mr. Todd." Sweeney didn't respond, though he did give both of them a kiss on the forehead.
Johanna let go of them both and glanced around the room, smiling as she remembered the letter she had found earlier. "Hey dad, don't you have something for mum?" "What?" Sweeney asked, his eyes widening. "Something for me?" Nellie asked. "That letter I found earlier." Johanna said. Nellie smiled. "You wrote me a letter?" "I'll give it to you another time!" Sweeney quickly responded. "It's not ready to be read yet!" "Oh, really?" Johanna replied, raising an eyebrow. Sweeney glanced at her, as if to say, "Please don't say anything else about the letter!" Nellie laughed a little. "I suppose I'll have to take your word for it." She said. "Anyway, I came up here to let you know that I was planning on opening the shop soon." "Alright." Sweeney replied. "I'm gonna go downstairs to help mum set up the shop." Johanna said. "I'll see you later, dad!" "See you later, Jo!" Sweeney responded. "Remember, we're all here for you." Johanna said. "And we'll love you no matter what."