But We Could Get By

Chapter 19

"Mr. Todd?" Nellie said, walking towards him. "Are you alright?" "If I'm being honest, not really." Sweeney responded. "Lord knows what Johanna thinks of me now." "Oh, I'm sure she still loves you." Nellie reassured. "You didn't see that look on her face." Sweeney said. "She looked horrified." "I was there, I saw her. She was just shocked, like she said." Nellie responded. "Trust me, she hates Mr. Johnson as much as I do." "She may hate him, but that doesn't mean she's okay with what I did." Sweeney said. "I never wanted her to find out about this. Now all she's gonna see me as is a cold blooded killer. Not a loving father who just wanted to protect her. And if she ever finds out how much blood I truly have on my hands..." He decided against finishing his sentence. "She doesn't think that." Nellie said. "She loves you, and she always will no matter what. I mean, I know about everything you've done, and I still..." She paused for a moment. "And I still love you."
   Once again, she had been so close to telling him how she really felt. She really did want to tell him, but she figured now wasn't a good time. "I still care about you." She said, finally finishing her sentence. "It's different with you." Sweeney said. "You've got just as much blood on your hands as I do." "I'd still feel the same even if I didn't." Nellie replied. Sweeney didn't respond. "Well, I suppose I should go open the shop." She said, turning towards the door. "Mrs. Lovett?" She heard Sweeney say. She turned back around to face him. "What?" "Could you stay?" He asked. "Just for a moment." She couldn't help but feel rather shocked. He usually never asked her to stay. "You really want me to?" She asked. He nodded. "I don't know how to explain it, but everything just feels so strange right now." He said. "Fearing what my daughter might think of me, and on top of that, I still have that guilt." Nellie recalled earlier, when he told her he felt guilty for being happy without Lucy.
   "I really was happy earlier, at least I sort of was." He admitted. "I don't know why I feel so guilty all of a sudden. I suppose there's a part of me that feels I'm not allowed to be happy without Lucy, at least not until I avenge her. Maybe that's part of why I hardly allowed myself to focus on anything aside from revenge. Of course, I really do want revenge..." His voice trailed off. "Spending all your time focusing on revenge isn't good for you." Nellie said. "You deserve to be happy. Or at the very least, you deserve a break." "I appreciate your kindness, but who knows if I'll ever believe those words?" Sweeney responded. "If I allow myself to be happy, it'll almost be like moving on, and I haven't moved on, I can't move on, because that would be like saying what happened to me was okay." Nellie opened her mouth to speak, but he had more to say. "I know I must let myself heal eventually, but I can't right now. I don't want to heal until Judge Turpin and Beadle Bamford are dead." "You can still want revenge without dedicating every moment of your life to it." Nellie said. "And you can allow yourself to be happy while still being upset at what happened to you. It doesn't mean you've moved on entirely."
   "When I first returned to London, I wasn't sure if I'd ever be happy again. Of course, I've got Johanna, and I've got you, but after everything I've been through..." Sweeney paused for a moment. "But I did have a few happy moments, even during the times I was really trying to stop myself from feeling that way. I've enjoyed getting to spend time with Johanna, and finally being a part of her life again. And I already told you earlier that I like having you around. I really was happy today. Then there was that moment, it was about a month or so ago, I think." He paused again, as if he were trying to remember. "You told me what I could do about Pirelli, as well as the others. We danced, and told jokes. That was the first time I had laughed in years. For a moment, I had completely forgotten about all of my troubles. It was just you and me, and nothing else mattered."
   Nellie couldn't help but smile. "You really felt that way?" She asked. Sweeney nodded. "It felt like that for me too." She said. "Did you feel as if everything else had faded away? Like everything in the background had gone silent?" "Yeah, that's how it felt." Sweeney replied. "And it was nice, but after that, everything went back to being dark and miserable, and I felt awful for allowing myself to feel that way, knowing my Lucy was gone. I don't know why it's so different with you. I never feel guilty when I'm with Johanna. Well, maybe I wouldn't say never. I feel bad every time I allow myself to be happy, but... I don't know, it's just different." "You know I'm always here for you, Mr. T." Nellie reassured. "Whenever you find yourself feeling this way, you can always talk to me about it." Sweeney sighed. "Thanks, I guess." For a moment, it was completely silent.
   She found herself staring at him. That was something that happened frequently. Often, she would look at him, and find herself thinking about how much she absolutely adored him. It was nice that he was trying to make up for all the times he had pushed her away. She understood what he was going through though. She felt bad for him. It hurt to see him in pain. She wished there was something she could do to take all of his pain away. She hoped that maybe one day, he'd understand that he deserves happiness. Maybe one day, he'd allow himself to heal. She wished there was something she could do to help. He had told her that he liked having her around, and that she was helping, but she knew that he wasn't truly happy, even if he said he was. She knew that he would be much happier if Lucy was there. She cared deeply about his happiness, but she couldn't help but wish he could be happy with her, just as happy as he was with Lucy, if not happier.
   Once again, her heart ached with longing. That was another thing that happened often. She constantly found herself yearning to be the one he loved. She felt a sharp pain in her chest. She was quite patient. She knew that a lot of things took time, but she couldn't help but grow tired of waiting. She just wished that day would come already, the day he tells her he feels the same. "I love you, Mrs. Lovett." She imagined him saying. She longed to hear those words from him. "What am I thinking?" She thought to herself. "Your best friend is upset, now is not the time for self pity!"
   "Mr. Todd?" She said aloud. "What?" Sweeney replied. "Are you alright?" She asked. "Not really." Sweeney said. "I think I'd like to be left alone now." "Alright." Nellie replied. "Just let me know if you need anything." He nodded, and turned to face the other way. She walked to the door, and left the room, heading downstairs. "Is dad alright?" She heard Johanna ask. "Toby said he was acting strange." "He'll be fine. He's just got a lot on his mind." She said. "How was your date?" She then asked, switching the subject. "It went well." Johanna replied. "Can I speak with you alone?" "Of course." Nellie said.
   She walked to her room, and Johanna followed. "What is it?" She asked. "I can't stop thinking about last night." Johanna said. "Dad killed someone, and is planning on killing again! I don't care about Mr. Johnson or Judge Turpin, but I can't stop thinking about the fact that he killed someone, and people are asking me if I'm okay, and I have to lie and say nothing's wrong, 'cause I don't want to get either of you into trouble! I just want to get all of this off of my chest, but I can't tell anyone!" "I'm so sorry you had to witness that." Nellie said. "If you ever need to talk, I'm always here." Johanna sighed. "Thanks, I guess." She muttered. "I just feel so conflicted." "About what?" Nellie asked. "I've always thought murder was wrong. I still believe it's wrong. I don't want to condone it, but I still care about you both. And I understand why dad's doing what he's doing. As much as I disagree with murder, I understand why he'd want to kill the Judge." Johanna explained.
   "I don't even like Judge Turpin, or Mr. Johnson. I don't know why I'm so shaken. I guess it just has to do with witnessing a murder in the first place. I don't think negatively about either of you. I still love you both, it just still feels so strange to know this now." "I understand." Nellie replied. "Again, I'm very sorry you had to witness that. I really am glad to know you don't think negatively about us. Mr. Todd was especially worried about what you might think of him." "He's got nothing to worry about." Johanna reassured. "I'm still quite startled, but I love him. I always will." "I know you do. Mr. T was just a bit worried." Nellie said. "He's just very protective of his loved ones."
   She wasn't sure if she could refer to herself as one of his loved ones. She was his friend, so she had to be, right? Did he care enough about her to think of her as a loved one? She decided against pondering that too much. "I know he was just trying to protect us." Johanna responded, pulling her out of her thoughts. "Yeah." Nellie muttered. "You know, he'd do anything to keep you safe, and so would I." Johanna couldn't help but smile. "Thanks for that." She said. "No need to thank me. Of course I'd protect you." Nellie responded. "I just wish I could've done a better job at that in the past." "What do you mean?" Johanna asked. "You've always done the best you could."
   Nellie sighed sadly. "I couldn't stop Judge Turpin from showing up. He never got to you, and he eventually stopped trying, but you still had to witness our arguments." She said. "I couldn't save you from Mr. Johnson. I tried so hard to make sure that he took out all his anger on me, but I couldn't stop him from shouting at you. And when I started to go broke, you had to deal with the consequences of that just as much as I did. I tried so hard, but I could never give you the life you deserve." "You've always done the best you could." Johanna repeated. "Sure, things haven't been perfect, but that doesn't mean it was all bad, and that doesn't mean you failed in any way. You've done so much for me. You always made everything better." She said.
   "I remember hearing Judge Turpin tell you that he could give me a better life than you could. Well, he's wrong. I'm glad I've got this life with you. I wouldn't trade it for anything." Nellie found herself having to fight back tears. Johanna was far too kind to her. She felt undeserving of her kindness, but she was happy to receive it nonetheless. She couldn't help but also feel a bit insecure. Sure, Johanna said she wouldn't trade this life for anything, but Nellie knew that wasn't true. Just like Sweeney, she knew Johanna would much rather have Lucy there. They had talked about that before. Johanna told her she'd never replace her, and that she'd always care about her, but she could only hope that was true.
   It wasn't that she didn't believe her. Johanna was one of the most honest and trustworthy people she knew. She just couldn't help but feel like maybe Johanna and Sweeney would both be happier if they could get their old life back, their life with Lucy. Maybe Johanna would trade this life she has now for a life with her parents. Nellie tried her best to push away her insecurities. She didn't give birth to Johanna, but that didn't mean she couldn't be her mother. She had raised her ever since she was a baby. She took care of her, she did her best to protect her and provide for her, she loved her so much. She was just as much of a parent as Sweeney and Lucy were, and Johanna made it clear that she thought so too. Why was her mind telling her otherwise? Why was she still insecure?
   "Mum?" She heard Johanna ask, bringing her back to reality. "Yes?" She replied. "Are you alright?" Johanna asked. "I'm fine." Nellie said. "I'm just so lucky to have a daughter like you." Johanna smiled. "I'm lucky to have a mother like you." She responded. Nellie hugged her. "I love you so much, Johanna." Johanna wrapped her arms around her. "I love you too, mum." Nellie kissed her forehead and smiled. "How dare my insecurities try to tell me this isn't real?" She thought to herself. "I know Johanna wouldn't lie to me. I know she loves me as much as I love her." "I'm going to go talk to dad." Johanna said, letting go of her. "Alright." Nellie said, letting go of Johanna. She followed her out of the room, but stayed downstairs while Johanna walked up to Sweeney's shop. "Mum?" She heard a voice say. She looked over, and noticed Toby standing near the counter. "Are we going to open the shop?" He asked. "Yes." Nellie replied. "Yes, we are."