But We Could Get By

Chapter 26

For a while, all Sweeney could seem to do was stare at the wall. He was still in complete disbelief over what had just happened. How could he have gotten so close to her? How could he have allowed her to get so close? "This is exactly why I said I couldn't be alone with her!" He continued to play that moment over and over again in his head. He thought about how they had held each other, and the way she smiled when he agreed to hold her for just a little longer. His heart skipped a beat upon thinking about it. He thought about how she began to lean in close, and how he kept telling himself not to lean in as well, but he wound up doing so anyway. How easy it would've been to kiss her. "What is wrong with me?" He thought to himself. "I can't!"
   As angry with himself as he was though, part of him wished he wouldn't have ran off. He thought about what could've been had he stayed down there with her. He would've continued to hold onto her, he would've continued to lean in even closer, and as much as he didn't want to admit it, not even to himself, he probably would've kissed her. He couldn't help but want to go back downstairs, back to her. He almost found himself doing so, only stopping once he was at the door. "I can't." He repeated in his head. How could he allow himself to do this? How could he allow himself to feel this way? How could he be so happy thinking about holding and kissing someone who wasn't Lucy? He was suddenly pulled out of his thoughts by the sound of knocking on his door.
   "Who is it?" He asked. "It's me." He heard a voice say. It was the voice of Anthony, the young sailor he had traveled home with, who was now dating his daughter. "May I come in, sir?" He heard him ask. "I guess." He replied. The door opened, and Anthony walked in. "Good evening, Mr. Todd." He said. "Is everything alright?" "I suppose so." Sweeney replied. "Why?" "Johanna and I were talking to Mrs. Lovett just now, and she was talking a little bit about you, so I just thought I'd see how you were doing." Anthony said. Sweeney could feel his heartbeat speed up. Was Nellie talking about their moment from earlier? What could she have thought about it? "What did she say?" He asked. "Well, um... She mentioned you had a bit of a moment earlier." Anthony responded. "I guess you could say that." Sweeney mumbled. "Why do you care?" "I just wanna help a friend out." Anthony said. "I mean, well, I know you probably don't consider me a friend, but I thought it was nice getting to know you on our way to England."
   Sweeney felt rather shocked by Anthony's words. Never did he think he was the type that people wanted to be friends with. He didn't even understand why Nellie continued to put up with him, and they had been friends for years. She would always say the opposite, but he didn't believe he was deserving of such kindness, yet he seemed to receive it by all the people in his life. "I'm sorry if that was weird to say." He heard Anthony say. "It's fine. It's not like I have many other friends." He responded. "I've got Mrs. Lovett, but I mean friends that I'm not also..." He couldn't finish his sentence. He knew what he was going to say, but he didn't want to say it. He didn't want to admit it to himself or to anyone else. "Friends that I'm not also in love with." He thought, completing his sentence.
   He immediately tried to push that thought out of his head. "I'm not in love with her!" How could he even think such a thing? He still loved and missed his dear Lucy, and it was far too soon. He hadn't moved on, and it would be a long time before he did, if he did at all. Yet he couldn't help but feel a certain fondness towards Nellie, and that fondness only seemed to grow within each passing day. "What is wrong with me?" He asked, breaking the silence. "I'm sure nothing's wrong with you, Mr. Todd." Anthony responded. "I mean, well... I'm not good at this, I'm sorry." He said. "I really do want to help though! Whatever's going on, you can talk to me!"
   Sweeney sighed. "I suppose there's not many other people I can talk to about this. Usually I'd talk to Mrs. Lovett, but well, I'm sure you understand why I can't do that now." He said. "So, you heard about how I almost kissed her? That's what she told you, right?" Anthony nodded. "Why did you run away?" He asked. "I couldn't let myself kiss her." Sweeney responded. "Why not?" Anthony asked. "It's a long story, one that I don't have the time for right now." Sweeney said. "I realized what I was doing, and I panicked." "Do you want to kiss her?" Anthony asked. "Why do you ask?" Sweeney replied. "Just trying to learn more about the situation." Anthony said. Sweeney sighed again. "I suppose there's a part of me that wants to."
   He couldn't believe he actually admitted that out loud, without even being forced. He didn't even want to admit it to himself, why was he suddenly admitting it to his daughter's partner? "Well, if you want to, why don't you?" Anthony asked. "Because I can't!" Sweeney replied, raising his voice. "I'm not ready to love again!" He immediately froze upon realizing what he had said. All he could do was just stand there in silence. It was bad enough that he had even considered that he might love her, but now he was saying it out loud? He didn't even want to think about it, yet here he was now, actually mentioning it to someone. "I don't know a lot about what you've been through, but Johanna told me that you've been dealing with a lot. I'm sorry about everything you've been through, and I understand that it hurts." Anthony said. "By all means, move at your own pace, but just know that it's not bad that you love her."
   "I don't, I mean, well..." Sweeney stammered. "I can't deny that the idea of just forgetting about all of the pain and having someone to love again sounds nice, but I can't forget about my pain, and I can't just move on." "You know, if you ever need someone to talk to about any of this, you can talk to me." Anthony said. "Thanks, I guess." Sweeney replied. "It's no problem at all." Anthony said with a smile. "Well, it's getting quite late, I should go. Do you think you'll be alright?" "I suppose." Sweeney responded. Anthony nodded. "I'll see you around, Mr. Todd." He said. "And I know it's easier said than done, but you don't have to feel so guilty about loving her. It's okay." "I don't- Nevermind." Sweeney muttered. "Goodbye, Anthony." Anthony waved goodbye, then left.
   Sweeney sighed and found himself staring into space yet again, and though he tried to force himself to think of something else, anything else, his mind immediately went back to Nellie. He wondered how she was doing now, and how she was feeling about this whole incident. Anthony said that she had mentioned it, so clearly it was at least on her mind. Was there a part of her that wished he wouldn't have ran away? Was she wanting to run to him as much as he found himself wanting to run to her? He couldn't help but smile as he thought about that moment again. The thought of holding her, and her holding onto him, how warm everything felt. He found himself longing for her embrace, wishing she were there with him now. He then thought about leaning in close, and not running away this time. He never realized how much he wanted to kiss her until almost doing so.
   He recalled what Johanna had said earlier, about how the feelings he described for Nellie were similar to the feelings she had for Anthony. He had initially tried to brush off her words. There was no way there could've been any comparison between them, at least he thought. He couldn't deny that what Johanna had described was actually fairly accurate though. He felt happy whenever he was with Nellie, and he often found himself wanting her around. He noticed that his heart would race whenever he saw her, and he absolutely adored the soft and sweet sound of her voice. He liked the words of kindness and affection that she'd say to him, and he constantly found himself wanting to hear such words from her.
   He thought about the moment just before he ran away. He wasn't sure if he was just imagining it, but he thought he heard her say she loved him. He couldn't help but hope it was real. He wasn't sure what he would've said in response if it was. He supposed it would only make sense to say it back, but he wasn't sure if he was ready for that. He still couldn't believe he was even thinking about this. As much as he didn't want to believe it, or even think about it, for that matter, he supposed there was at least some truth to Johanna and Anthony's statements. He never planned to say it out loud, at least not as of now, but he could no longer deny it to himself that he was at least a little bit in love with Nellie Lovett.