But We Could Get By

Chapter 20

"Dad?" Johanna said as she knocked on the door. "What?" She heard Sweeney respond. "May I come in?" She asked. "I need to speak with you." "Come in." Sweeney replied. Johanna opened the door and walked in, closing the door behind her. "I just wanted to let you know that I'm not upset with you, or scared, or anything like that." She said. "Mum told me you were feeling worried about what I might think of you now that I know what you're planning to do to the Judge, and have also seen you kill someone." "I'm so sorry you had to witness that." Sweeney said. "You don't have to constantly apologize." Johanna responded. "And you don't have to worry that I might see you differently. I love you. Nothing's gonna change that." "You don't think I'm some awful, horrible person?" Sweeney asked. Johanna shook her head. "Mr. Johnson was the horrible person." She said. "I don't condone murder, but I get that you were trying to protect mum and I." "You looked so horrified." Sweeney mumbled. "I was startled, but that doesn't change what I think about you." Johanna clarified.
   "I just wanted to keep you safe." Sweeney said. "You and Mrs. Lovett both. The thought of anything happening to either of you..." He abruptly stopped speaking, as if he didn't want to finish that sentence. Johanna smiled. "We're both lucky to have you around." She said. "And I'm lucky to have you both around." Sweeney responded. "You know, I was feeling down earlier. I wouldn't say I feel better, but I at least feel slightly less sad." "Well, I'm glad you at least feel slightly less sad." Johanna said. "Why were you upset though?" "Well, I was worried that I had ruined things with you, but it seems I don't have to worry about that anymore." Sweeney responded. "Aside from that though, well..." He paused for a moment. "Everything's just been strange today."
   "Strange how?" Johanna asked. "I don't know how to explain it." Sweeney said. "Mum said you two had a good time walking through town. Did you? Were you feeling upset then too?" Johanna asked. "If you were feeling sad during your walk, you can tell mum. She won't take it personally." "I wasn't upset earlier." Sweeney said. "That's the thing. I wasn't upset at all. I was actually happy." "That's good." Johanna replied. "That's what one would think, but I always feel strange whenever I allow myself to experience happiness. It was even more strange today though." Sweeney said. "I think I've said enough." "If you need to talk to someone about this, you can talk to me. I don't mind." Johanna responded. "I mean, you don't have to tell me anything if you don't want to, I just want you to know that I'm willing to listen."
   Sweeney sighed. "I haven't fully healed yet. I think it'll be a while before I even slightly heal. But there have been moments where I was actually happy." Johanna opened her mouth to speak, but he continued. "I know it's good to allow myself to be happy every now and then, but I can't help but feel awful every time I do so. I feel guilty for having these moments with this new life. I still mourn everything I've lost. I haven't moved on. I shouldn't have those moments, knowing things will never be the way they were. I want my old life back more than anything, yet I've had these moments every now and then..." "It's not a bad thing to have those moments while still missing the way things were." Johanna reassured. "Take all the time you need to heal. None of us want to rush you. But you don't have to feel bad for being happy every now and then." "Thank you, Johanna." Sweeney said.
   He sighed once more. "I suppose you're right." "Happy to help." Johanna said with a smile. "And I'm happy to hear that you had a good time earlier." She added. "Where all did you go?" "Nowhere in particular. We just walked through town." Sweeney responded. "Oh. Well, that still sounds nice." Johanna said. "It was." Sweeney replied. "It's not really the place that matters anyway. The whole point was to just spend time together." "I'm glad you're rekindling your friendship." Johanna said. "It really means a lot to her." "It means a lot to me too." Sweeney replied. "We've spent time together before, but I've just had so much going on, that only every now and then was I able to actually focus on being there. Today was different though. Usually I have so much on my mind, but earlier today, my only thoughts were thoughts of her." He continued.
   Johanna opened her mouth to speak, but soon closed it, noticing her father had more to say. "And I got quite vulnerable with her today. I suppose I have been a bit more vulnerable recently, at least more so than when I first came back to London. It still feels strange though." "I think it's good that you're opening up." Johanna said. "I'm sure it feels nice to get all of that off of your chest." "I suppose." Sweeney mumbled. "It still feels odd though." "It probably will for a while." Johanna said. "You're right." Sweeney replied. "Even now, I feel strange sharing all of this, and you're my own daughter." "I understand." Johanna said. "You don't have to feel weird opening up to me though. If there's anything you wanna say, you can say it."
   "Well, as you know, I'm trying to rekindle the closeness I once had with Mrs. Lovett." Sweeney stated. Johanna nodded. "I think that'll be really good for both of you." She replied. "I suppose so." Sweeney said. "I mean, I'm glad to have a friend, of course I am. And I'm glad that it's her, I quite like having her around. I think I just..." He paused for a moment. "What is it, dad?" Johanna asked. "Maybe I've just gone so long without affection that I've become desperate for whatever I can get, I don't know. For some reason though, I don't seem to mind how affectionate she can be." Sweeney said. "Well, she is your friend." Johanna replied. "I know, and I really am lucky to have such a wonderful, compassionate, and affectionate friend. I really don't know what I'd do without her. It just feels weird, being how I was today, and yesterday as well, with someone other than Lucy." Sweeney explained.
   Johanna raised an eyebrow. Was her father saying what it sounded like he was saying? "How exactly were you yesterday and today?" She asked. "Well, today wasn't too weird, aside from what I've already told you. I mean, I did tell her she was beautiful, but that was just an honest compliment." Sweeney said. "That's very sweet of you!" Johanna said with a smile. "I guess." Sweeney responded softly. "Yesterday though, after you had went upstairs, I wanted to make sure she was alright. I'm not the best at comforting people, but she seemed so shaken from everything. For some reason, I'm the one she turns to for comfort, so I had to do whatever I could to make sure she felt okay." He said. "I let her know that she was safe now, that I wouldn't let anyone hurt her. Those are normal things to say to a friend in need of comfort, even holding her for as long as I did was normal enough. I really don't know what was up with that kiss though."
   "Kiss?" Johanna asked, her eyes widening. "You kissed her?" "On the forehead!" Sweeney quickly clarified. "And I suppose that could've been normal too, but I personally am not the type to kiss my friends like that. Maybe a kiss on the hand to be polite, but the way I kissed her..." His voice trailed off for a moment. "I mean, I've kissed your head before, but that's different, you're my daughter, and she's... It can't happen again!" Though Johanna maintained a neutral face, she had to fight the urge to smile. Not only was it nice that he was finally starting to open up more, it was also great to hear about his happy moments. Along with that, she couldn't help but find it quite sweet, the way he was talking about Nellie. She didn't want to jump to conclusions, especially since Sweeney was still grieving everything he had lost, but at the very least, it sounded like he had quite the fondness for Nellie. She would've been happy with that. If her father was to fall in love and remarry, Nellie was definitely who she wanted him to choose. She was the only mother she ever really knew, and a really good one at that. Besides, Johanna knew that Nellie had been in love with Sweeney for so long, and she wanted her to be happy. She wanted Sweeney to be happy too. Clearly they seemed to make each other happy, so of course they could maybe be happy together someday.
   "Why did I kiss her?" She heard Sweeney say, pulling her out of her thoughts. "I'm not sure if I have an answer to that." She replied. "Maybe you just wanted to show some affection to your friend." "I suppose so." Sweeney said with a sigh. "It just feels odd. Not to mention, I can't seem to stop calling her love and dear and such, despite not having that kind of relationship with her, and telling myself I would never use such terms of endearment so loosely like that. As weird as it is though, it makes sense to me in a strange way. I mean, she's not my love, but in a way, she is." He explained. "I don't know if that made sense. It just feels strangely natural to call her such names, even though it shouldn't be." He sighed again. "I need to open the shop soon. I'll talk to you later, okay?" "Alright." Johanna replied, nodding. "I'll see you later, dad." She waved, then left the room, heading downstairs.
   "Is everything alright with Mr. Todd?" She heard Toby ask. "I mean, he seems to brood quite often, but this time seemed different." "He's alright now. He's just dealing with a lot, you know." She responded. Toby nodded. "I know that sometimes I'm a bit weird around him, but I really do hope he heals." He said. "I hope so too." Johanna replied. "I think we can all help him the best we can though. He may not act like it, but he really does appreciate us all." "That's what mum says." Toby said. Johanna was reminded of her conversation with Sweeney as she thought about Nellie. "Speaking of mum, I think dad's starting to have feelings for her!" She said excitedly. Toby's eyes widened. "You really think so?" He asked. "Like, feelings feelings?" "Yeah! He really does care about her a lot! He says he doesn't know what he'd do without her, and he cares deeply about her safety, and does his best to comfort her! Of course these are also friendship behaviors, I'm trying not to make assumptions, but you should've seen the look on his face as he talked about her! He was getting red in the face, and he had this specific smile, the last time he smiled like that was when he was telling me about my other mum, Lucy!" Johanna explained. "And he told me that those pet names he uses for her seem to feel natural to him despite supposedly not having those feelings for her!"
   "Wow." Toby mumbled. "I mean, I also don't want to make assumptions, but I suppose if you see it..." His voice trailed off. "I think we should help set them up!" Johanna exclaimed, smiling. "You think so?" Toby asked. "I mean, it would be nice to see mum happy, and he seems to make her happy, but I don't know if we should interfere with their personal lives." "You have a point." Johanna said. "We don't have to completely interfere. We could just help a little, like suggesting that they spend more time together, or hanging mistletoe when December gets close." Toby smiled. "I suppose we could do that." "So you're in on this?" Johanna asked. "Definitely!" Toby replied. "Great!" Johanna said with a smile. "Now I just gotta see if Anthony wants to help us!"