But We Could Get By

Chapter 33

Nellie found herself constantly thinking about that day, that moment that she and Sweeney had after work. The way they had held each other, how emotional he seemed to be, she was pretty sure that was the first time in a while that she had seen him cry. The softness in his voice, the worry he had expressed regarding Charles, the way he seemed so unsure if she truly loved him or not. She had always figured that her love for him was obvious, so she wasn't sure how he didn't notice it. Maybe it had to do with his low self-esteem. She understood what that was like. She also couldn't seem to stop thinking about her question about their relationship, as well as his response. "I don't know." She could hear his voice in her head. She supposed it wasn't the worst answer she could've gotten. There was still room for hope. Even after getting an answer though, she still couldn't help but wonder how things were going to be. Were they finally going to be together? Did he love her at last? Was that why he was so worried?
   Despite all the questions she had, she felt as though she were on top of the world. The two of them had an undefined, but still quite loving relationship, and if things continued to be as they were, maybe they really would be together at last. She smiled at the thought. She and her beloved Sweeney, together and in love forever. Not only that, but business had been doing so well, and the kids were happy. Things were better than they had ever been. For so long, Nellie could only dream that things would be the way they were now. Finally, everything was going right. She found herself twirling around and humming a little tune. She was happier than she had been in so long. At last, it seemed as though all the pain she had endured was behind her.
   "Mrs. Lovett?" She immediately stopped what she was doing and turned around, noticing Sweeney standing before her. "Hello there, Mr. Todd!" She said with a smile. "You seem to be in a good mood today." Sweeney responded. "I am!" Nellie exclaimed. "Things have been so wonderful lately!" Sweeney smiled back at her. "You are so..." He paused, and his face fell. "Nothing, nevermind!" Nellie laughed a little. She was curious as to what he was going to say, but decided to not think too much about it at the moment. "You're here, the kids are happy, business has been better than ever!" She held his hands and pulled him closer. "Well, maybe business is a little dead." Sweeney seemed as though he was trying not to laugh, though he failed. "Are you sure about that? I'd say customers are dying to get in."
   The two of them found themselves in a fit of laughter, to the point where they had to catch their breath afterwards. "That was a good one!" Nellie said. "Yours was too." Sweeney replied. "You and your jokes." "What can I say, I like making people laugh." Nellie said. "Especially you." She wrapped her arms around him and gave him a kiss on the cheek. "Oh, I'm so happy I could eat you up!" She gave him several more kisses. Sweeney held onto her tightly, but said nothing. Nellie didn't mind, for she was just happy to have him there. She cherished every second she spent with him, she always did. "I'm so happy you're here." She said. "You mean so much to me, Mr. Todd, you really do." "You're adorable." Sweeney muttered. "I mean, um..." His tone sounded rather nervous, and he appeared to be quite flustered. Nellie gave him another kiss on the cheek. "Oh, love." She said softly. "You're adorable as well."
   "Hello mum, hello dad!" She quickly let go of Sweeney and turned around, noticing Johanna standing there. "Hello, dearie!" "Johanna!" Sweeney exclaimed, as if he were startled. Johanna tilted her head in confusion. "Are you alright, dad?" "I'm fine." Sweeney replied. "Just wasn't expecting- Nevermind." Johanna laughed a little. "Did I interrupt something?" "No!" Sweeney quickly replied. "Are you sure you're alright?" Johanna asked. "I'm fine." Sweeney said. Johanna nodded. "Well, I was gonna go on a walk with Anthony. Just wanted to let you know." "Alright, dear." Nellie replied. "Have fun!" "And be careful out there!" Sweeney added. "Don't worry, I will!" Johanna responded. She waved goodbye, then headed out the door.
   Sweeney sighed. "I know she's done this several times, and that she knows how to handle herself, yet I still worry." "I get that." Nellie replied. "I do too. I think that's just being a parent." "I suppose so." Sweeney said. "I just... Well, when I first learned what the Judge had done to Lucy, and what he tried to do to Johanna, what he still tries to do to Johanna, and when I heard about that Mr. Johnson man and what he did to you both, I guess I just worry a lot. I know I won't always be there to protect her, and I know she won't always need me to, but I just can't help but feel the need to do so." "That's completely understandable, dear." Nellie responded. "And sure, she may know how to handle herself out there, but I think she'll always be grateful to know that she's got such a loving and protective father." "Until she starts to think it's too much and unbearable." Sweeney said, laughing a little. "We'll cross that bridge when we come to it." Nellie replied. "But right now, she's sixteen and still doesn't seem to be embarrassed by us, so maybe we've got nothing to worry about." "Maybe." Sweeney mumbled.
   "You know, I really can't thank you enough for taking care of her while I was away." "Oh, it's no problem at all. Of course I'd take care of her." Nellie said. "If it weren't for you, who knows what might've happened to her. I really am grateful." Sweeney responded. "Thank you, love." Nellie said with a smile. "No need to thank me." Sweeney replied. "I'm just glad to know that Johanna was safe and being cared for." "Well, I did my best." Nellie said. "You did a wonderful job, Mrs. Lovett." Sweeney stated. He gave her a kiss on the forehead. "You're an absolute wonder." Nellie felt as though her heart had melted. "Oh, love." She muttered. She held his hand, and used her other hand to caress his cheek. "You're so lovely." She said. "There's no one else in this world that I'd rather live this life with. There's no one I'd rather raise these children with, no one I'd rather be here with right now, no one else." She gave him a kiss on the cheek. "Just you, my love. Just you."

Nellie found herself unable to fall asleep that night, which was rather common. Sometimes she'd be so tired that she'd immediately pass out after work, but other times, it'd take hours for her to fall asleep. This seemed to be one of those sleepless nights, for all she could seem to do was just lie awake and stare at the wall. It was frustrating, but she was used to it. She closed her eyes, hoping that maybe if she just kept them closed for long enough, she'd finally fall asleep, but she had no such luck. She sighed, but kept her eyes closed, assuming she'd have to fall asleep eventually. Suddenly, she heard a knock on her door. She opened her eyes and got up, and as she opened the door, she saw Sweeney standing there.
   "Mr. Todd!" "I'm sorry to wake you." Sweeney said. "Oh, you didn't wake me." Nellie reassured. "I couldn't sleep." "Me either." Sweeney replied. "Can I come in?" "Of course!" Nellie said. She walked back to her bed, and he sat down next to her. "Is everything alright, love?" She asked. "Not really." Sweeney said. "What's the matter?" Nellie asked. "I kept having nightmares about my time in prison." Sweeney said. "And then I kept thinking about all I had lost, and everything I've got now, and how easily I could lose that too." "Oh Mr. T, I'm sorry about that." Nellie replied. "I still miss Lucy so much." Sweeney said. "I still think about the life I never got, and everything I've lost, and I still miss it, and I'm still so angry at those who took it away from me!" He added. "Yet I'm also happy with what I've got now."
   "You can miss what you've lost while still being happy with what you've got now." Nellie responded. "It's not a contradiction. I know it sounds complicated, but then again, since when were people ever simple?" "I still want to make the Judge and the Beadle pay!" Sweeney said. "I still want revenge, I want bloodshed, but I also just want the pain to go away. I want to be okay again, I want to remember what it's like to have a family." "Someday, the pain will go away." Nellie reassured. "And you'll get your revenge, and we'll all get to leave the past behind us." Sweeney sighed. "I know Lucy is gone, and there's nothing I can do about it, but I still miss her." He said. "Yet somehow, I like what I've got now. It feels wrong, but it's true."
   For a moment, Nellie wasn't sure how to respond. "He still thinks she's dead, doesn't he?" She thought to herself. She supposed she had never told him otherwise. She never meant to make him believe she was dead, but at the same time, she knew it would be so much worse if he knew what had really happened to her. It would only hurt him more. Also, as much as Nellie hated herself for thinking like this, how could she mention the truth about Lucy now that she was so close to having everything she wanted? She finally had a chance to be with Sweeney, it finally seemed as though maybe he loved her too. Did she really want to risk losing that?
   "I want to believe that things will be okay, but what if they aren't?" Sweeney asked, pulling her out of her thoughts. "What if I lose all of this too? What if something happens to you or Johanna, and I'm not able to stop it?" "Don't you fret, love. Nothing like that is going to happen." Nellie reassured. "I don't wanna lose you, dear." Sweeney said softly. "Oh love, come here." Nellie replied. Sweeney moved closer to her, and she pulled him close. He wrapped his arms around her and held her tightly. "I'm right here, love." Nellie said. "I'm right here, and I'm not going anywhere." "I've tried to act like I didn't care in the past." Sweeney confessed. "I thought if I could just distance myself from everything, it wouldn't hurt as bad if anything were to happen. Of course, I couldn't do that to my own daughter, so I immediately failed, but I still tried to do so with you. Safe to say I failed that too." He explained.
   "And I'm still so angry, I'm angry at the Judge, the Beadle, even the world for letting this happen to me! But also, I'm sad, and I just... I don't know." "I understand, dear." Nellie replied. "You've been through so much, and you didn't deserve any of that. Like I've told you before, you deserve to be cared for. You deserve the best in life, and I will try my best to make sure that's what you get." Sweeney didn't respond, but she noticed a tear roll down his face. She reached out and wiped it away. "It's okay, dear." She said. "Everything's going to be okay." "Can I stay here tonight?" Sweeney asked. "I mean- That was stupid to ask, nevermind. I'm sorry, I should go." He said. "This whole thing was ridiculous, me and my stupid emotions." "It's not stupid." Nellie replied. "And yes, you can stay here."
   She couldn't believe that he had really asked to stay there with her. She recalled the time she had gone to him in the middle of the night after having a nightmare. He was kind enough to let her stay there for a while, but eventually, she had to leave. This time though, she didn't have to leave his side. He really wanted to be there with her. She held him tighter and kissed his cheek. "I've got you, love." She said. "And I won't let you go." "Thank you, dear." Sweeney replied. He gave her a kiss on the forehead. "Goodnight, my sweet Mrs. Lovett." Nellie smiled. "Goodnight, my love."