But We Could Get By

Chapter 29

The work day felt weirdly long for Sweeney. Usually he didn't mind this, but for some reason, he found himself wishing he could close the shop already. Part of it was because he felt a little exhausted, but it was mostly because he wanted to see Nellie. He was still coming to terms with his feelings for her. He wasn't fully ready to accept them, but he didn't want to avoid her anymore, the way he had for almost a month. He was glad to finally be talking to her again, for he truly did miss her. It was strange not talking to or seeing her every day, and he couldn't help but miss the dancing and the goodnight kisses. It was nice to have that once again, although he would still get quite upset with himself for his feelings, especially whenever he'd slip up and almost reveal them.
   He thought about the previous night, when he had finally decided to stop hiding away from Nellie. It was a wonderful moment, though he felt a little guilty for thinking so. How could he have allowed himself to be so loving towards another woman? Why couldn't he seem to stop himself from giving her so many kisses? He then remembered how he had almost slipped up and stated exactly how he was feeling. He stopped himself before finishing his sentence, but he knew what he was going to say, and he hated himself for even thinking something like it. "I haven't felt this way since Lucy." He completed his sentence in his head. He couldn't stand that thought, and he didn't like how he had almost said it aloud. How could he compare his feelings for Nellie to the love he had for Lucy? His love for Lucy was strong, unconditional, and something he told himself he'd never let go of. He had planned on never loving again after losing her, yet here he was now, absolutely smitten with his dearest friend.
   When he had failed to convince himself that he didn't feel that way for her, he tried to tell himself that he only loved her a little bit, but the truth was that his love for Nellie continued to grow as each day passed. The love he felt for her was also incredibly strong, and most definitely unconditional. He couldn't help but admire her kindness and compassion, and how she was always there for him no matter what, how she was always so nice to everyone around her, and was helpful to anyone who needed it, such as Toby and Johanna, and even himself. Even her less than ideal traits, like her knack for scheming and ruthless ambition, he found quite admirable. He loved her much more than he had initially thought he did, and much more than he wanted to. She was his closest friend, his partner in crime. It was them against the world. Together, they would watch the world burn, they would watch all of London pay, hand in hand and side by side. She would be his and he would be hers.
   He found himself wishing he could just go downstairs and pull her close, but instead, he was stuck in his shop, waiting for another customer to stop by, and meanwhile, she was chatting away with some customer of hers. That man seemed to be real friendly with her. Perhaps he was that Charles Thompson guy she spoke of. She had said that she was looking for new friends, and while this explanation had sort of made him feel better, he couldn't help but worry a little about the possibility of Charles sweeping her off of her feet with his supposed kindness and charm. He couldn't stand the thought. What if this man was everything she could want? What if she realized that he was better and fell for him? Or, even worse, what if he was absolutely awful? What if he hurt her? What if he wound up being just like Judge Turpin, or worse? Sweeney's heart ached at the thought of anyone hurting her, and though he respected Nellie and her right to choose for herself, he couldn't help but feel his blood boil at the thought of someone else with her.
   He felt that she deserved better than him, yet he couldn't help but hope that she could see past that, and love him despite all of his baggage, which he thought would for sure be a burden. Though he craved revenge, deep down he yearned for a normal life. He was so tired of all the pain. He just wanted a happy life with Nellie by his side. He wanted to be loved and cared for, he wanted his wounds to heal. A normal life, like what he had expected with Lucy. He felt horrible for imagining such a life with someone else. He didn't want to let go of this idea of what could've been, the idea of all that he had lost, yet he couldn't help but still wish for such a life. He still daydreamed about a life with Lucy, the life he never got, but he also constantly found himself imagining a life with Nellie as well. He wished he didn't want to be with Nellie so badly. He wished there was a way things could just be simple, but no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't force himself to get rid of the feelings he had for her.
   Also, as much as he loved Lucy and wished she were there with him, he couldn't help but feel that if she were there, she wouldn't love what he had become. He felt like it was hard for anyone to love him, including his own daughter and his own best friend. Even so though, he at least could take comfort in the fact that Nellie understood and accepted him as he was. Even though he thought of himself as unlovable and a burden, she never made him feel that way. Lucy was a kind and understanding woman too, but how would she have felt about the violence? Would she have stayed by his side? Would she love him regardless, or would his actions and who he had turned into drive her away? He tried to push away the insecurities, though not for his own sake, but for Lucy's. "How dare I think such things about her?" He thought. "She's a wonderful woman, she wouldn't do something like that." He sighed, and found himself wishing the work day could be busier for the sake of having something else to focus on.

After what had felt like forever, it was finally time to close the shop. Sweeney cleaned up as quickly as possible, then rushed down the stairs. "Mrs. Lovett!" He said excitedly. It wasn't really truthful to say that he wasn't sure what had gotten into him lately, for he knew that it was love, but it did feel quite strange to him, being so happy and excited. Nellie looked over at him and smiled. "Mr. Todd!" She exclaimed, walking towards him. "Oh Mr. T, my sweet!" She wrapped her arms around him, and for a moment he just stood there, silently enjoying the warmth of her embrace. "I would've ran to you, but I'm feeling quite weary." She said. "Are you alright?" Sweeney asked. "I guess." Nellie replied. "I just feel rather weak, and everything hurts. It happens sometimes, I'm used to it." "Oh." Sweeney said softly. "Are you sure you're alright?" "Well, I suppose it'd feel nice to sit down." Nellie responded.
   She let go of him, and began to walk, though she quickly froze. "Everything really hurts." She said. "And I'm real dizzy." "Here." Sweeney said, rushing to her. "Let me help you." He carefully lifted her up and carried her to the sofa. She appeared a bit shocked at being carried for a moment, but her shocked expression quickly turned into a smile. "Oh, Mr. T." She muttered. He gently set her down onto the sofa, then sat down next to her. "There you go." He said. "You're so sweet." Nellie replied. "Oh, no I'm not." Sweeney said. "Yeah you are." Nellie responded. "You've always been so good to me." He wasn't sure how she could possibly think that, for he knew of many times when he had failed to be a good friend to her, and he definitely didn't think of himself as sweet, yet Nellie seemed to think otherwise. She was somehow able to see the good in him, which was a shock, but one he was grateful for nonetheless. "You know I'd do anything for my dear friend." He said, finally speaking up. Nellie gave him a kiss on the cheek, then leaned her head on him. "You're the most wonderful man I've ever met."
   She wrapped her arms around him. He pulled her close and held her as tightly as he could. "I think you have very low standards." He said. "But thank you anyway." Nellie laughed a little. "I don't have low standards." She replied. "You really are wonderful." "So are you, my love." Sweeney said. "You're a bloody wonder." Though he had spoken such words of affection to her many times before, it still sometimes felt a little strange, yet it also felt natural. He recalled mentioning that to Johanna, back before he understood why. "Little did I know." He thought to himself. He glanced over at her, and couldn't help but smile. How lovely she was. It seemed as though the more time he spent with her, the more his adoration seemed to grow.
   "You're the loveliest partner in crime I could ask for." He said softly. The room was silent, and there was no response. "Mrs. Lovett?" He noticed that her eyes were closed. It seemed that she had dozed off, which made sense, for she had a long and difficult work day. He gave her a kiss on the forehead. "Sleep well, Mrs. Lovett." He said. "You really are my love." He decided to stay there with her, mostly because he didn't want to wake her, but also because he couldn't help but want to be there. He kissed her forehead once more. "Goodnight, dear." He then closed his eyes, and slowly fell asleep.

"Dad?" Sweeney heard a voice say. He opened his eyes and saw Johanna standing before him. "Johanna." He mumbled. "Johanna?" Nellie repeated, opening her eyes and looking around. "Good morning, sleepyheads." Johanna said with a smile. "Toby and I made you breakfast, whenever you're ready." "We'll be there momentarily." Nellie replied. "Thank you, Johanna." "It's no problem." Johanna said. She then left the room. "I can't believe I fell asleep on the sofa." Nellie said. "And with you here too! I'm so sorry to have kept you here!" "It's alright, love." Sweeney replied. "I chose to stay here. I didn't want to wake you." "You could've woken me." Nellie said. "Though I am quite glad you chose to stay." "You needed the rest." Sweeney responded.
   Nellie smiled and cuddled up closer to him. He knew he was the one who chose to stay, yet he was still in slight disbelief that they had really fallen asleep holding each other. As surprised as he was though, he couldn't help but feel quite happy. It always felt nice to hold her, and he loved it whenever she held him. How warm it felt there in her arms. He felt a sudden twinge of guilt. How could he allow himself to have such a moment with her? How could he have allowed himself to have all the moments that they had? What shocked him though, was that the guilt was overridden by how much love and happiness he felt. He couldn't help but feel overjoyed to be there with Nellie. "Thank you for staying with me." He heard her say, breaking the silence. "No problem." He replied. "Shall we get up soon?" "I suppose." Nellie said. "Can we stay here just a little longer though?" Sweeney gave her a kiss on the forehead. "Of course, my dear."