Connect Us ✔

Chapter 40

Felix can't sit still while the movie is running. Not that I mind, but damn it, every movement he makes, makes my heart flinch because I keep thinking he will make a move. He gets up to get a blanket and snuggles into the blanket on the couch, while I'm imagining him snuggling into me instead. Jesus, I'm gone. He moves his legs to the left, then bents them to the right and wraps himself up. A few minutes later he suddenly wants to eat and puts a few pieces of the cake on the small table across from the couch. "You can have some too," he said.

"No, thanks."

Felix suddenly looks at me, legs pulled up, his head resting on his knees. The blanket slips off his shoulder. Shit. His shoulder is bare. A naked shoulder. My eyes might make a little slip before I can stop them. I stop breathing when our eyes meet. "What?"

He smiles softly. "Nothing." And then looks back to the movie, his chin on his knees. "I never make it through a whole movie. Guess my attention span sucks."

"Yeah, I picked up on that."

"Okay, focus. Got it." He looks back to the screen and falls silent. 

He manages to do this for about two minutes. Then he shifts his position. He lets his knees sink into the couch. His lower knee presses against my thigh. His knee. Touching my thigh. I feel the warmth of his leg through my jeans. I guess we can say I'm the one who can't focus now. When I notice that I'm tapping my foot on the floor again, I stop. Which only makes me more tense. God, I really want to take a deep breath. 

I lean back into the couch and take a breath. Not a deep one, but deeper than usual. I squint at him. I don't want to turn my head; I'm too tense for that. Too nervous. Too warm. Felix's eyes are glued to the screen. I press my lip together.

What I do next is a spontaneous decision. I don't overthink. I pretend I'm just sitting up a little, but while doing so, I slide a bit closer to him. And he glances at me. And I think it was a little bit too obvious, because he's smiling. He realized. And maybe it's a good thing, because Felix then rests his head on my shoulder and—god in heaven, there's an explosion of feelings in my stomach. I try to breathe normally, because I know he can feel the pace of my breathing now, but—god in heaven—his hair tickles my neck and he smells like soap and his head is so light on the tip of my shoulder...

I decide to take his hand. I want to hold his hand. But I can't see his hand. I can only see his knee. Where the hell are his arms? I'm getting very, very hot. I'll probably start smelling like sweat soon. I want to take my fucking hoodie off. Why is it even so hot? It's always freezing in Blair's apartment.

I don't know if he does it on purpose, but if he does, I'm so damn thankful. He lays his hand on his knee. I lay my hand on mine. Then I feel stupid. Then my hand twitches. Then I feel even more stupid—and I think I hear Felix smiling. It's somehow both of us who make the move. Maybe he sees that I'm unsure. But when I'm finally holding his warm hand, the next question is: where do I put my hand now? My lap? His lap? That would be stupid. I press my lips together. My lap. So now I feel his hand on my lap. And the feeling shoots through my legs, landing somewhere it really, really shouldn't. God, Blair's gonna kill me.

Then Felix snuggles his head deeper into the crook of my neck, and my breath stumbles at the sudden movement.

Okay. Okay okay okay. Next step. Next step. I think I'm going a little crazy. I stay like this. I like the way he's stroking my hand, and I like his head in my neck. No—damn, I don't just like it a little. 

Okay, no next step. I plan to stay like this. Then I feel his breath on my skin. On my neck. And I think, what the hell are you doing, Felix, what the hell and my eyes go a little wider. I really think he's going to kiss my neck. God. God damn it.

He doesn't kiss my neck. Of course not, you stupid idiot. He just lifts his head. Fuck. Why am I cursing so much? Fucking shit, why are my eyes closing? His breath feels so good. His breath on my cheek. He must have his mouth slightly open for me to feel his breath on my lips when I turn my head.

He tilts his head slowly, and I think we do the last step together somehow. His lips press soft and warm against mine. It's such a sweet and gentle kiss that my whole body shudders and tickles from it. I can't help it. I put my hand on the back of his head and move forward to kiss him properly.

Felix straightens, and his grip around my hand tightens a little. I lose my mind when he replies my kiss. He tastes sweet, with a hint of lemon on his tongue. I lean in. I want more. God, I want his tongue. I want him.

But he already pulls away from me. I really don't want to stop. I only stop when he lets go of my hand and places it on my shoulder—or rather, pushes me a little. Softly. Like telling me gently that's enough for now.

Felix breathes out a laugh, then really presses his soft lips to mine again—just for a second—his hand still on my shoulder, steadying me, making sure he can still push me away if I go too far, almost as if he's scared to just let go and trust me. He pulls away again and smiles. I think I'm too stunned to grin or smile or laugh back. This boy. This little kiss. My god, I didn't know such small things could make me feel so wonderful.