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Chapter 36

„That sounded horrible." I stood up and took my jacket on while Felix just sat there and watched me how I walked around, looking for my scarf and my beanie and I still needed my keys and... I needed to calm down. I wanted to distract myself by hurrying, but there wasn't really a need to hurry.

„I have to pick up my brother," I said and threw the keys into my pockets.

„You have a brother?"

„Yes." I took on my shoes. Then I turned around and thought. I was done. There was nothing to do anymore. I... Did I have to go now? I looked at him. „I'm sorry."

„Don't worry." He got up as well. „I needed to go home too. I just didn't want to tell you because there was still a lot to do and... I can't visit you tomorrow and the day after tomorrow."

„Okay. I need to go now." I don't know why I was so calm when I saw him smile. It was as if everything was going to be okay, as long as I could see him smile like this again some day. Maybe I could ask him to come with me...

Shit. I wasn't calm at all. I felt nauseous. Sick. I was sweating under my scarf. I loosened it when he stood next to me with that reassuring smile, with his coat and scarf on, walking out before me. My head really was a fucking chaos when we walked down the stairs. Everything in my head was screaming. Rushing. My thoughts spoke at the same time, one above the other, not one after the other, one on top of the other, one more thought, another...

His hand was warm when he slid it into mine. My thoughts decided on this and stopped. His hand is warm... And my heart was rushing now. Now I felt like there wasn't any words in my head for this. I just thought Fuck, am I in love? His fingers were around mine, his thumb stroking the back of my hand. Fuck. He realized something was wrong. Is he really holding my hand right now? What the fuck is wrong with me? His hand was a little sweaty but I didn't care at all. Maybe it was my sweat. Or both our sweat. Who cares? It feels so good to hold his hand. Why am I overreacting like this only because of a stupid hand?

It wasn't even a long way. Just a few steps, then we stood down there and said good bye. And my head felt numb when I got on my motorcycle. Even when he turned around already my skin tingled where he had held me. God damn it, I wanted to touch him again.

When I was there I got off the motorcycle. Most of the warmth Felix had given me was gone. I smoked and I felt like I was falling again. The worst part was that I couldn't do anything about it. I couldn't run away. I blew out the smoke and closed my eyes. The cold blew my sweat away. He'll have to touch me, I thought. No. Don't think about it... I couldn't let these thoughts get through to me.

David laughed with his friends when I saw him. I looked at him and thought if Maddie and I were the only ones...

„Oscar!" He ran to me. He put an arm around my shoulder so suddenly I dropped my cigarette. I didn't even bother to pick it up again. „Buddy! I never thought you'd really come!"

I stepped away, I moved away when he wanted to touch my hair. Maybe my head. „Get on."

My brother sighed. „God, and I thought you were here because of me."

I got on my motorcycle. I smelled the alcohol when he stepped next to me. I thought of nothing when he wrapped his arms around my body but I clenched my teeth and started the engine immediately. I was pretty sure I was shacking because of the cold, but I think it was a mix of everything. How his hands rested on my stomach. How I felt his body against my back. My head was empty, or I was trying to keep it empty. But my legs felt weak. And somehow, I don't know how else to describe it, I felt like something bad would happen any moment.

While I was driving the wind kept me cold. But when I stopped the motorcycle a sudden wave of heat flew over my body and I clearly felt his hands, near my dangerous place. My shoulders felt tense. The place I touched as a kid, I thought. It's right behind me. No gap between. I am touching it right now. With another dangerous place.

„Let go." I wanted to get up immediately. 

„Os," he said instead of letting go. A shiver ran down my spine. I felt his breath in my neck. „Let's talk."

„Let go," I said louder.

„You will run away if I let go."

I didn't mean to go that far. I didn't want to actively touch him. But I couldn't do that anymore.

Before I had felt like I was falling. But when I wanted to remove his hands and he clung tighter, I felt like I was coming up, on hard ground, with a run-up, over and over again. I winced hard. I felt like throwing up.

„There's no reason to be scared of me."

„Shut up," I whispered. I don't wanna hear this voice. I heard the memories of his voice in my heard. Just a second... Just a... second...

„Os," he said again. „Let me talk and I will let you go, okay?" I didn't move. I couldn't feel my legs anymore. No, it was worse. My legs felt as if something was sucking the strength out of them. „Listen, you're making everything worse than it actually is."

I opened my mouth. Kind of kept it open because I was shocked. I never heard David talking about what he did ever before since then. He had always played it down, but since I was gone he had always acted like it never happened. „Let go," I repeated.

„Just wait a second, Oscar." He moved forward. »Listen carefully, okay? I never touched you.« I moved up, he held me back. „I never touched you," he said again. „But you did."

My voice only felt like a breath. „You forced m..."

„I never did that." I felt his breath on my ear. „When did I do that? I never forced you. Don't pretend I'm the bad one here, okay? Don't act all innocent like that. You shouldn't have done it. You touched me."

„Nonsense."

„Did I say you have to?" My lungs felt like they were crushed. „Did I?"

I was a kid, I said in my head. But he was right. He never had said I have to. Never. It had always been 'help me out' or 'do me a favor'.

And I thought about the words of the police officer. I had been only eleven and scared. I had been alone. My mother wasn't next to me. She didn't even know I had been there.

'My brother touched me,' I had said.

'Your brother?' I nodded. 'Where did he touch you?' I hadn't answered. The officer had thought I was scared, but the truth was, that my brother hadn't touched me. I touched him.

'He wants me to touch him.'

'Where?'

'In his pants.'

'Inside his pants? Could you explain me which part exactly in his pants? And how it felt? Was it hard?' I had looked at him in shock and felt speechless. I only nodded. 'Did you say no?' Shook my head. 'Why?' Because I thought I had to... I had felt so filthy. I didn't know an answer to this when I was yet so young, so I ran out of the police station and never came again.

I could still remember what happened the next time. I could clearly remember the taste. If I thought about it hard enough, I could recall it. „I said no."

„No you didn't." David finally let go and I felt like I could breathe again. „You only said 'I'd prefer not to do that'. And then you did it anyway." He stood up but still I couldn't move. „Now stop pretending I raped you or something. It was nothing."