Connect Us ✔

Chapter 36

"That sounded horrible." 

I walk to the door and put my jacket on while Felix just sits there and watches how I walked around, looking for my scarf and my beanie and I still needed my keys and... I need to calm down. I want to distract myself by hurrying, but there is no need to hurry. Quite the opposite actually.

"I have to pick up my brother," I say and throw the keys into my pockets.

"You have a brother?"

"Yes." I put on my shoes. Then I turn around and think. I'm done. There's nothing to do anymore. I... Do I have to go now? I look at him. "I'm sorry."

"Don't worry." He gets up as well. "I needed to go home too. I just didn't want to tell you because there was still a lot to do and... I can't visit you tomorrow and the day after tomorrow."

"Okay. I need to go now." I don't know why I'm so calm when I see him smile. It's as if his smile is some kind of medicine, making everything a little less horrible. Everything's going to be okay, as long as I can see him smile like this again some day. Maybe I can ask him to come with me...

Shit. I'm not calm at all. I'm so fucking close to throwing up. And I'm sweating under my scarf. I loosen it when he steps next to me with that reassuring smile, jacket and scarf on, walking out before me. My head is fucking chaos. I can't even talk to him. We walk down the stairs while everything inside me is screaming, rushing, colliding. My thoughts overlap, shouting over one another, not one after the other, but all at once, crashing in my skull.

His warm hand slides into mine, and suddenly—everything inside me falls silent. My thoughts decide to stop. His hand is warm. And nothing else matters in that moment. Now it's my heart that's rushing. Now there are no words left in my head for this. The only words left in me are: Fuck, I am so in love.

His fingers wrap around mine, his thumb stroking the back of my hand. Does he realize something's wrong with me? Jesus Christ. Is he really holding my hand right now? What the fuck is wrong with me? I've never been into guys, and now I'm suddenly freaking losing my mind over one.

His hand is a little sweaty, but I don't care. Maybe it's mine. Or both of ours. Who cares? It feels so good to hold his hand. I never want to let go again. And God, I want him to stay.

It's not even a long way down. Just a few steps, then we're down there and say goodbye. My head feels numb as I get on my motorcycle. Even as he turns away, my skin already tingles where he just held me. God damn it, I want to touch him again.

I get off the motorcycle. Most of the warmth Felix gave me is gone by now, only making the fresh fear and disgust feel sharper. I light a cigarette and wait, still feeling like I'm falling off that cliff and never stopping. I can't change it. I can't run. That's just how it is now. I just have to go through this, get it over with, and then I can live again.

I blow out the smoke and close my eyes for a second. The autumn cold cuts through me, drying the sweat on my skin. He'll have to touch me...

No. Don't think about it. I can't let these thoughts get to me. I have to think about something else.

David laughs with his friends when I see him walk out of what looks like a club, the music reaching me but never getting to my head. I look at him and wonder if Maddie and I are the only ones...

"Os!" He runs up to me, throwing an arm around my shoulder so suddenly that I drop my cigarette. I don't even bother to pick it up again. "Buddy! I never thought you'd really come!"

I jerk back as he reaches for my hair. He reeks of whiskey, so obviously drunk it turns my stomach. "Get on."

My brother sighs. "Come on," he roars into the night. "Can't you, just once, be happy to see me too? Why do you hate me so much?"

I get on my motorcycle. I smell the alcohol as he steps next to me. I force myself to think of nothing when he wraps his arms around my body, but I clench my teeth and start the engine immediately.

I'm almost sure I'm shaking because of the cold, but maybe it's a mix of everything. The way his hands rest on my stomach, the way his body presses against my back. My head stays empty, but my legs feel like they could give out any second.

While I'm driving, the wind keeps me cold. But when we arrive and I stop the motorcycle, a sudden wave of heat rushes through me, and I feel his hands too close to that dangerous place. The place I touched as a kid is right behind me. No gap between. I'm touching it now. With another dangerous place.

"Let go." I move to get up immediately. 

"Os," he says instead of letting go. I feel his breath in my neck. A shiver runs down my spine—one that actually makes me shudder on my whole body. "Let's talk."

"Let go," I say louder.

"You'll just run away if I let go."

I didn't mean to go that far. I don't want to actively touch him. But I can't take it anymore. I grab his wrist and pull. In that exact moment, he clings tighter—and my stomach twists.

I was falling before—off a cliff, endlessly—but now it's like I finally hit the ground, my body breaking apart, melting into the dirt.

"Os, there's no reason to be scared of me." His voice is low next to my ear. 

"Shut up," I whisper, closing my eyes, trying hard to focus on not trowing up. I don't want to hear it. I don't want to hear this voice, it just reminds me of... Just a little longer... Just a... little...

"Os," he says again. "Let me talk and I will let you go, okay?" I don't move. I can't feel my legs anymore. No, it's worse. My legs feel as if something's sucking the strength out of them. "Listen, you're making everything worse than it actually is."

I open my mouth. Kind of keep it open because I'm shocked. I never heard David talking about what he did ever before since then. He always played it down, but since I'm gone he always acted like it never happened. 

"Let go," I repeated, my voice sounding thin.

"Just wait a second, Oscar." He moves forward. "Just listen, okay? I never touched you." I move up, he holds me back. "I never touched you," he says again. "You did, though."

My voice only feels like a breath. "You forced m..."

"I never did that." I feel his breath on my ear. "Tell me one time I told you that you have to? I never did." My throat starts burning. He makes me recall it—he makes me go back in time, looking for a moment when he ever said that. And maybe he's right, but I don't give a fuck about that right now, I just don't want to think about it any second longer. I just want him to fucking let go of me. "Don't pretend I'm the bad one here, okay? Don't act all innocent like that. You were also curious, okay? This is not just on me."

"Nonsense."

"Did I say you have to?" My lungs feel like they're being crushed. "Did I?"

I was a kid, I say in my head, but my voice gives up. Because he's right. He never said I have to. Never. It was always just 'do me a favor' or 'can you help me out?'

And I think about what the police officer said. I was only eleven and scared shitless. Alone. My mother wasn't there; she thought I was just teasing David. Just a stupid joke. I remember the officer's stare, heavy and cold, pinning me in place. I couldn't get a single word out. And I remember the sound—the laugh of another officer behind him—when I pissed my pants.

I think about the taste which pushes me to the edge—the gag rising in my throat, my body jerking, but nothing coming up yet. That too-human taste from the first time I dared to say no. Doing it with my hands? Fine. But my mouth? No curiosity on earth could've made me do that. Not when I was a child. He did that. And there's no doubt about it.

"I said no."

"No you didn't." David finally lets go of me and I feel like I can breathe again. "You only said 'I don't like that.' And then you did it anyway." He stands up but still I can't move. "Now stop pretending I raped you or something. It was nothing."