Connect Us ✔

Chapter 48

The last thing I want is for someone to spoil my day. I'm not even the slightest bit tired when my group and I queue to check in. The excitement numbs me.

The others seem just as nervous—some talk too much, some too little. I don't want it all to be in vain. All that money. I literally sold my body just for this. But at least one good thing comes out of it...

good luck!!

thx felix

wish u were here

Then everything happens so quickly. I just hear our number being called, and the next second we're backstage. It's dark and hot, and the room is filled with excitement and the smell of sweat.

I freaking love the feeling when I step on stage. The excitement rushing through my veins. The fear that something could go wrong. The pressure to be in time. The moment when the light and music turn on and suddenly everything becomes numb. The only important thing is to do what we've been rehearsing for so long. You're just there on the stage and move, nothing else matters. You leave the world behind.

And then... then it's just over. So fast. I run downstairs with my group, sweating and laughing over the absurd the fact that so much training, so much time invested is just over—just after these short, way too fast five minutes. Michelle and Robin laugh, everyone else talks at once, and it's like we've just jumped off somewhere and now we slowly arrive on the ground, bit by bit.

I'm still drunk when I see him, so it doesn't hit me right away. He's someone. Someone who looks like him. It's only when I look again that I notice.

Wait. What the—

"Oscar?" Michelle's hand lands on my shoulder. "You coming? We're heading to the changing room to rest."

"I'll be right after you."

I walk toward him. Then I run. A little faster. I'm so confused. I call out to him from afar, and he turns his head, but his face doesn't change. He looks different somehow. When I reach him, he just stands there, watching me. I'm so happy to see him. But the way he looks at me only confuses me more. He raises an eyebrow and lets his gaze travel down and up again.

"Do you know my brother?" he asks. Only then do I understand.

"Oh... you're... you're Felix's brother?" 

He nods. "Are you a friend of his?"

Something about the way he looks at me makes me nervous. He's nothing like Felix. Not that he's mean, he just doesn't smile much. In fact, hardly at all. "I... uh... Felix and I have been seeing each other a lot lately."

"You must be Oscar, then." 

"Yeah. Yeah, I'm Oscar."

"You... know... uh, sorry to say this, but you might just be an affair."

I know that's true. But somehow it still crushes my heart to hear it like that. I nod, my eyes closing a little, sad to admit it. "I know about Blair."

His gaze lingers on me, his mouth opening, then closing again, as if he's trying to decide something. "Can I... ask you something?"

"Yeah. Sure."

He hesitates. "How is Felix?"

"He's... good, I guess?"

He nods slowly. "I mean, when he's with you. Is he... I don't know." He exhales, frustrated with his own words. "You know what I mean."

"I'm not sure I do," I laugh nervously.

"Well, surely you noticed that... he's just not always... okay. Look, I don't want details. I just... I hope Felix feels safe now. That's all I wanted to ask." Leon's eyes flick to mine as if he's trying to figure out if I know something. He stops, closes his eyes. "Never mind. This is stupid. It was nice to meet you."

"He's not okay?" I stop him, before he can turn around.

He rubs his neck. "Forget it. It's nothing. I just... thought he told you."

My stomach tightens. "Told me what?" He goes still. For a second, something in his face changes, like a crack in glass. "Something happened, didn't it?"

"So you do know," he says quietly. "That's good. It's good he told you. He doesn't just tell people. If he told you, that means he trusts you. And if he trusts you... I just wanna know if he's good with you. If it works with you. Well, if it works better than with Blair. I mean, we're not talking about that stuff, and, you know, I'm just worried. Are you two... I mean, are you having a normal... healthy... relationship?"

I freeze. Fuck. No. He doesn't mean it like that, right? I must be misunderstanding this. Please God, tell me I'm misunderstanding this. I don't know what to say. My throat's dry. 

He sighs. "You know what, forget it. Sorry if I was rambling. Guess I'm just worried. Just... be careful with him, okay? He's been through enough. Don't make him relive it."

I go cold. Relive it. Relive the fuck what?

I don't want to think it. I don't want this to be true. I nod, but my throat is burning. I can't breathe. My brain's already rewriting everything—Felix's shyness, his restraint, his distance, the way he flinches sometimes—it all makes terrible, perfect sense.

My heart is pounding. My brain's already filled in the blanks, and every version makes Blair look worse.

Something happens to me in that moment. It's not just the idea of what could have happened between them. I can't help reliving every moment I had sex with him... 

No hesitation or I'm off.

I don't care if you get hurt.

Beg for it. 

Beg for me to stop.

And while I'm asking myself how the hell I could be so blind, someone taps my shoulder, and I turn around. Michelle's looking at me, and it takes me a few seconds to understand what she's saying. "It's time for the results."