Connect Us ✔

Chapter 47

It's cold—the kind of cold that seeps into your bones—so we end up pressed close beneath a wool blanket that smells stale, its surface rough and marked with cigarette stains. We sit shoulder to shoulder, hip to hip, leg to leg. I feel him everywhere. And honestly, I'm not sure how much longer I can sit this close without doing something I shouldn't. 

He said not today. Though I respect that and wouldn't cross that line, I can't stop thinking about pushing him onto this goddamn floor and kissing him until the sun comes up.

I realize how little I actually know about Felix when he starts talking about his family. The reason he was crying is that his parents are separating—and he saw his mother cry today. It was terrible for him; he's deeply attached to her, and seeing her break down like that really hurt him.

We end up talking about everything. We constantly laugh. About every little shit. Trying not to be too loud since we're here in the hallway of the apartment building, in front of my door, in the middle of the night, and every sound we make echoes while the whole world sleeps.

I find out that Felix works as a care worker in a residential children's home. He tells me how the kids cling to him at night, how one of them collects stickers of planets, and how another one refuses to sleep unless someone's next to him. His eyes soften when he talks about them, and for a second, I see something in him I can't name. Something fragile and kind.

Then I learn that he doesn't drink alcohol because he hates the feeling of losing control. He used to drink, but he's only ever had bad experiences with it. His father's a drinker, and he once read that if addiction runs in your family, you're more at risk of becoming one too. 

He hates thunderstorms but loves rain. His favorite seasons are autumn and winter. Not because of the cold, but because you end up feeling warmer inside. You stay home more often, spend time with your loved ones, snuggle under blankets, and drink tea and hot chocolate.

He doesn't believe in God, but somehow he believes that things happen for a reason. In a way, he believes in fate. He had his first boyfriend in high school. He can't even remember why they broke up, only that it was over something trivial.

Even though I feel nothing but hate and resentment toward Blair, I let Felix go on about him. Not because I'm curious, but because I like the way his eyes sparkle when he talks about him. As jealous as I am, in the end he's still sitting here with me, right? And I like seeing him happy.

He's known Blair since he was fourteen. Blair was his doctor before he became a friend, before Felix was old enough to feel something like attraction for him. And, to be honest, I didn't really hear the rest, because I was too focused on his lips and wondering—maybe a little too vividly—if they're even having sex at all, and if they are, what it looks like.

When it comes to me, it's hard to share things with him. Even the answers to basic questions about family and relationships aren't that easy. Felix asks about my brother. After that, I fall silent for a while, thinking about whether I should trust him. Usually, I would. I'm easy to give in. But knowing how close he is to Blair? I wouldn't trust Blair at all.

When I feel his hand slide into mine, his fingers cold and slightly damp as they tangle with mine, something melts inside me. He doesn't say anything, but somehow I feel I can trust him. I feel he's a good person, someone with a good heart.

So, yeah, I end up telling a boy I've only known for maybe ten days something I've never told anyone before. Something I never even dared to say out loud—let alone let myself think. And honestly, it's surprisingly easy to say words that feel like a crime. But once the words are out, the whole thing suddenly feels like nothing. And somewhere in the back of my head, I hear David's voice. It was nothing.