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Chapter 43

hey

can we talk

I don't know why I check my phone so often. Maybe I think I'll suddenly see that he's online so that at least I know for sure that he's ignoring my messages. Or to make sure he hasn't read my message yet. I know it'll hit me when he really leaves me on read. And that makes me realize that I'm totally screwed. I'm so in love. And that, unfortunately, isn't good news. Not at all.

I only send it this morning. It's stupid that I think about it so much. I put my phone on mute. Maybe it's better when I'm unconscious than knowing all day that my phone still hasn't vibrated. I put it back in my pocket and close my eyes as I take the last few puffs of my cigarette.

I'm only five minutes late today, which is really a feat for me, and Ki smiles at me when I finally go back into the shop and says I look better than a week ago and that she's glad I'm back. I'm glad she doesn't ask more because I'm definitely no better than a week ago. Nothing. Fucking. Changed.

I go back to work and try to focus. I wouldn't feel my phone vibrate anyway, even if I got a message. I try not to think about that possibility when I have to tattoo the next customer. She's pretty, but I don't even care. I don't feel satisfied at all after yesterday and still, I don't fucking care. I feel uneasy. I don't even have the energy to show any interest in anyone else, to maybe get another one-night-stand even though I don't have any rules anymore. I'm free and I can't even enjoy it.

Blair didn't say anything to me anymore before I left yesterday. I heard him talk on the phone in the kitchen while I put my jacket on, still trembling all over, and I'm pretty sure he was talking to Felix. I had this huge desire to listen. But I just left. I just wanted to go home.

It's on my way home after work today when I decide to text him again. Even though that's very pathetic. But maybe I am. Maybe that's exactly what Felix does with me.

please?

Then I go to training. Checking my phone every few minutes. But there's really no use.

Training is exhausting. There isn't much left to do, but so shortly before the competition everyone is nervous and I decide to let them go early. We still have tomorrow.

When I walk into my apartment, I feel like shit. Dishes slowly pile up again in my sink, dirty clothes are scattered on the floor, and I really have no motivation to do anything. Nothing. Has. Changed. I open my beer, wonder if I should just go out and get wasted. I don't expect anything when I check my phone.

yes of course

wanna talk in person?

where

I can't bring myself to feel something other than sadness or anger. Not anger at him. I'm scared and disappointed and shit, I'm so madly in love. The fact that my heart feels warm every time he sends an answer? I'm not sure if it's a good thing. Or if it'll just hurt me deeper later.

can I just come over?

yea

ok

I'll be there in a few minutes :)

I sit up and look around. I hesitate. I have absolutely no motivation. I only pull myself up after a few minutes. I put the clothes on the floor in a laundry basket. I stop. I put my dishes in the sink and open the window. When the doorbell rings, I feel an uncertain fear in my stomach and at the same time a stupid, naive tingle. I take two more sips of my beer, then I open the door.

"Hey." Felix smiles up at me as if nothing's happened. But there's something different in his smile. It isn't carefree. It almost looks apologetic. He's standing there in a hoodie and jeans, so ordinary, and yet that's exactly what makes him look even more irresistible.

I flinch when I hear a bark. It wakes me up from my sorrow. "Jesus..."

"Miki," he says sternly to the little orange Pomeranian at his feet, then looks back to me. "Sorry, I know I should've asked, but could she stay with us?"

I watch the dog excitedly jump up at my feet. "Uhm... Do you plan to stay here longer today? I thought we'd just talk."

"As you like," he says, and takes the little dog into his hands, who suddenly licks his face. Felix chuckles, and it sounds like music in my ears. God. I'm turning into a kitschy freak. He holds her an arm away. God, how am I supposed to say no to this? Blair's gonna kill me.

„Okay. Come in."