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Chapter 57

My apartment seems darker than usual when I come home and sit on my bed, thinking about Maddie's tired face. I'm not the monster here, am I? They twisted it again, right? My phone vibrates. I wipe away my tears and take a deep breath. Look at my phone.

Late again?

I remember last time. There's one more, he said. And I told him I kissed Felix. Stupid boy. It was my delay, not Felix. 

Felix. God, how much I want to see him. His stupid smile. His carefreeness. His way of making everything easier, just with one glance... Now he's even further away.

I jump on my motorcycle and race. I'm already twenty minutes late. Standard. That's my life, I suppose. My stupid pathetic life. Making money by selling my own body. What happened to me? My life has always been chaos, but selling my body? How did I end up here? Now I don't even sell my body for money but for debts. I'm earning the money I don't even have anymore.

The cool air brushes against my cheeks, warm from crying. I feel a little better when I walk up the stairs and ring the doorbell. 

"Come in," Blair says and nods me inside. He's probably mad because I'm late again. I don't even care. Blair walks into the kitchen, I follow him. He sits at the table. For a second the thought crosses my mind that maybe he's seen how devastated I am right now and that he'll just cancel tonight. But I'm kind of disgusted by that thought.

"Why are you sitting down?" I ask.

"I didn't have dinner yet," he says, chewing on a potato.

I sit next to him and look at his plate. "Did Felix cook that?"

Blair just gives me this look and sighs. He doesn't answer my question but says, "You can join me if you want." I shake my head and just wait. "Did you visit your sister?" I nod. "How did it go?"

"Don't wanna talk about it."

Blair nods slowly. Then he swallows his food to talk. He looks at me carefully. "We need a new contract," he says after taking a sip from his wine glass.

"Why?"

"Now that you're seeing Felix, things will change."

"Fine," I sigh. "But let's do it fast."

"Not today," he explains, spearing more on his fork. "As soon as you start seeing Felix again. We'll meet and talk together."

"If I have to."

He glances at me from his meal, chewing. "Bad day?"

"Bad life."

His last potato. Then he finally washes it down with wine, leans back, and folds his hands. "Oscar, are you interested in Felix or not?" He suddenly sounds very serious.

And my throat start burning, because I want nothing more than seeing him again. "Yes, I am."

"Are you interested in leading a relationship with him?" My heart jumps at the thought. I nod. "Are you interested," he says slowly, „in leading a relationship with both of us?"

I raise a brow. "I'm not interested in you."

He smiles. "Not romantically."

"I'm not exactly dying to hang out with you."

Blair stands up and puts his plate into the sink. And I think Felix will be happy about it tomorrow. I imagine him being here right now. Things would be so different. Louder. Brighter somehow. Happier.

Blair sits opposite me and leans forward, very determined. "Look," he starts. "You have to admit, the three of us complete each other quite well. Felix can't give me what you can and I can't give Felix what you can give him."

"Are you just asking me to be the whore of your relationship?"

"Are you only interested in touching Felix?"

I sigh, thinking about the last time Felix and I were alone. His body warm under mine, the way he shivers at every touch, every kiss, his soft skin against mine. But is that all I want? No. I want him, not just his body. I want the feeling of being close to him, even if it's just a hug. "Well, no."

"Here's your answer."

"But it's not like you're giving me something I can't get from Felix."

"Is that so?" He crosses his arms. "You can't satisfy Felix. But you can satisfy me."

"I don't have to satisfy anyone."

Blair nods. "Just think about it," he says. "There are two ways you can stay with Felix. Either you're just meeting him now and then or we continue this, just in an official relationship. You'll have to put up with me in that case."

"I was never interested in a relationship."

"With Felix?"

"With you. I said it from the beginning."

"I didn't expect it either. All I wanted was a regular sex partner. Now I want Felix to be happy. It's two in one for me."

"And for me? I don't want to be just a side partner of Felix. I want more."

"What do you mean by more?"

"I don't want anyone to forbid me to kiss or touch him."

"That can be set up. If Felix agrees with it, of course."

I look surprised at him. "Wait, are you serious right now?"

He exhales softly, eyes unfocused, like he's miles away. "You weren't so wrong last time, Oscar. And I'm gonna be honest, it's not easy for me. But for some reason, Felix is really attached to you, and I don't want to take that away from him. He deserves it." He looks into my eyes, somehow tired and worried at the same time. "Please don't make me regret it."

"I won't," I say right away. "Thanks. For trusting me. Just... one thing. How's this supposed to work? 'Cause I really don't wanna be in some relationship full of stupid rules, and... I mean... I might actually wanna... you know... have sex with him."

The way Blair tenses his jaw makes me slow down. I expect him to get angry, I really do. And honestly, I wouldn't be able to deal with angry Blair today. Not today. I end up thinking that maybe I need his kindness right now. I need the Blair I met at the café.

"That's what we're gonna talk about when we meet up for the contract. I just want you to think about it until then."

My heart starts racing all of a sudden. The thought of making it official with Felix? The thought of something new, a real relationship? It actually lightens my mood. "Okay," I say, nodding. "I'll think about it."

Blair takes another sip of his wine, looking quite satisfied with my answer. "Great." Then he puts down his glass and gets up. "Now all this talking really destroyed the mood."

"Can we agree on hand signals before we start?"

"No need for that," he says. "I guess we're both not in the mood for non-consent."

I sigh a little relieved. "I was never this close to say I might not hate you."

"You're welcome." He leans against the kitchen counter and glances at me. "Come here." 

I stand up and walk over, stop right in front of him. Blair brushes a few strands of hair, which have annoyed me for a while, out of my face. I close my eyes. I don't know why I suddenly feel so safe. Speaking to him definitely makes me feel much better. "Why don't you try to seduce me tonight?"

I can't help but laugh and open my eyes. "You fucking pervert." Blair raises a finger which looks like a warning. "Sorry."

The corners of his mouth raise. Satisfied. Playful. A dark smile. "I want you to dance for me."

"God," I laugh and roll my eyes. "I'm too sober for this. Do you have beer?"