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Chapter 49

I feel drops of sweat running down my forehead as I stand on stage. I can hear my unsteady breathing as if it's the only sound around, as if there isn't music playing or someone talking. I don't even care what he's saying, but suddenly I feel Robin's hand in my left and Michelle's in my right, and I'm embarrassed because I'm sweating.

I close my eyes briefly. I try to focus. They're talking about the winners, pretty sure. Of course they are. There would be no other reason to stand here. God, just fucking concentrate for once, Oscar.

I can't. I feel like throwing up. I know I won't, but I'm burning up, and the stage lights are shining right at me.

Third place isn't us. I only realize it when the group next to us starts cheering. You lucky ones.

When it comes to second place, my vision goes black. I squeeze Robin's and Michelle's hands. Robin just squeezes back. Michelle has been squeezing the whole time anyway.

Second place isn't us either. "Moving on to first place," I clearly hear the man say. Fuck. Fuck, I need to sit down. Why the fuck does this take so long? Why is he talking so long? I take a shaky breath. I don't even care if we win right now. I need a break. I need to calm down. I need to forget what Felix's brother just told me. I need to stop replaying Blair's words in my head.

I feel my phone vibrate. Yeah, maybe it's stupid to check my phone in a situation like this. I see Felix's name on the screen. For a second, I wonder if he's in danger. Then I hear that we didn't win. 

I imagine his face while he's calling me. The way he looked in front of my apartment. Red-rimmed eyes. So obviously sad. Did he lie? Blair, that goddamn asshole, did he hurt him? Felix and Blair. I don't know why I suddenly think of them the same way I think of David and me. I should've known. I should've known he wasn't a good person.

I'm beside myself as I walk off the stage, hearing how happy the first-place group is. I hear Robin and the others calling my name, but it all sounds muffled. I don't care. We've lost anyway. Everything was in vain. I get on my motorcycle without thinking. I'm in a frenzy. I'm angry. I'm shocked. But above all, I'm worried.

I run up the stairs as my phone rings. I keep going and ring the doorbell several times. Then I knock. Over and over. It's more like hammering on the door.

I flinch when the door opens. Felix's smile is bright. "Oscar!"

"Where is he?"

"What?"

I push past him and look around. He's not in the living room. The TV's on, lights off, a candle burning; the atmosphere screams comfortable, but I'm screaming the opposite. Kitchen. A noise. I follow it. When I enter, Blair freezes mid-movement—it looks like he's been peeling an orange. His brows furrow as anger boils up inside me. How dare he look so innocent. How dare he just stand there like that. And live.

"You fucking asshole."

"Sorry?"

Everything in me resists it, but I step closer to him. So close my body screams danger, and I start to shake—not sure if it's from anger or fear. "I know what you did."

Felix enters the kitchen right behind me, looking just as confused as Blair. Like I've just barged in on their everyday life for no reason.

"Why don't you sit down," Blair says, trying to calm things down. "Relax a bit, I'll make you some tea. And then we can talk about what you mean by that."

I turn to Felix, determined. I know how I'm going to sound, but I say it anyway. "Let's go. Away from here." Felix tilts his head in confusion. "You could stay with me. We could live together. I know it's crazy, I know it's too soon, but you'd be safe with me, you know? I would never hurt you. I'll treat you better."