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Chapter 49

I felt drops of sweat running down my forehead as I stood on stage. I could hear my unsteady breathing as if it was the only thing around. As if there wasn't music playing and someone was talking. I didn't even care what he was speaking but I suddenly felt Robins hand in mine and I was embarrassed because I was sweating so much.

I closed my eyes briefly. I tried to focus. They were talking about the winners, pretty sure. Of course they did. There would be no other reason to stand here. God, fucking concentrate one time, Oscar.

I couldn't. I felt like throwing up. I knew I wouldn't, but I was fucking hot and the headlights shone right at me.

Third place wasn't us. I only noticed this when a group was happy. You lucky ones.

When it came to second place, my eyes went black and I squeezed Robin's hand. Robin just squeezed back.

Second place wasn't us either. „Moving to the first place," I clearly heard the man say. Fuck. Fuck I need to sit down. Why the fuck does this take so long? Why is he talking so long? l took a shaky breath. I didn't even care if we won right now. I needed a break. I needed to calm down. I needed to forget what Felix's brother just told me.

I felt my phone vibrate. Yes, maybe stupid that I checked my phone in such a situation. I just saw that it was Felix calling. Then heard we didn't win. I imagined his face when he called me. It was already past five. Of course I was late. But it was just Blair who was waiting, right? Blair. Felix and Blair. I don't know why I suddenly thought of them exactly the same way as I thought of Maddie and David. I should have known. I should have known he wasn't a good person.

I was beside myself when I walked off the stage and heard how happy the first place group was while I looked at Felix's message.

will you be there soon?

I think Robin and the others were calling me, I only heard it blurred. I didn't care. We have lost anyway. Everything was in vain. I got on my motorcycle and didn't think about it. I was in a frenzy. I was angry. I was shocked. But above all I was disgusted.

I ran up the stairs and my phone rang. I kept walking and rang the doorbell several times. Knocked several times. It was more of a hammering on the door.

I winced when the door opened. „What's wrong, Oscar?" Blair asked. „Why are you hammering like that? Just one time is enough."

I clenched my teeth. Everything in me resisted it, but I took a step towards him. „I know what you did."

He just looked at me. „Why don't you come in first," he said and I could see past his shoulder. Felix was just a few feet behind him and looked confused.

I wouldn't make the same mistake again. I wouldn't look away this time. Ignore it. This wasn't about me, but about Felix. This time, I wouldn't be silent. I was burning with rage. „I'm not entering a rapists house."

Felix stood next to Blair, one arm hooked on Blair who was looking down at him calmly as if I hadn't just offended him. „Oscar," Felix said. „Please come in. We'll talk about it."

I looked shocked at him. „How can you still be with him?" I panted still out of breath. „How... Why?"

„It's not what you think."

„Funny," I laughed in disbelief. „I've heard this phrase from you before. Do you know when he told me that? Does he know, Felix? Or were you afraid to tell him?"

„I'm not afraid," Felix said in a firm voice. „There's no reason to be afraid for me. Now come in so we can talk about it. I'll explain you everything and you will understand."

„I'm not entering this apartment ever again." I looked at Blair in disgust. „I can't believe I let you touch me." I couldn't read any emotions on his face. As if he experienced this every day. He looked at me like he was innocent. „You're disgusting."

„Oscar!" Felix yelled at me.

„Why are you protecting him?" I yelled back. „You must be completely crazy if you think this relationship would be healthy!"

„Don't." Probably the first thing I heard from Blair since I called him a rapist. It was like he was speaking for the first time. He shook his head. „Don't call him that. He's not crazy."

„Then why else should he still be with you?!" I felt like I was talking to two stupid people. „You hurt him! And he's still here?!" I don't know why I was yelling like that. Not as if a light would suddenly dawn on them and then their ways would part and Felix would be safe. I could already see that wouldn't happen. Felix was clinging to Blair's arm. They both looked at me as if I was the crazy one.

„You don't know the whole story, do you?" Blair asked. „Who told you?" I refused to look at him again. Instead I met Felix gaze and fuck, he looked so sad. I would have loved to hug him in that moment. „Who told you, Oscar?"

„Felix's brother."

„What did he tell you?"

„He..." I couldn't remember clearly. 

„I expected that," Blair said and that burned me even more with anger. I clenched my fists. „You have no idea Oscar. This is none of your business."

„I'm just worried about Felix."

„You don't need to worry," Felix said with his stupid, innocent, naive voice.

I couldn't take the fury out of my eyes as I looked back at him. I didn't even think that he didn't like to talk about it. I pushed it away and just said it. „Is he the reason you're impotent?" Felix went a little pale. „He is, right? He's the reason you can't pleasure him anymore and now he needs to fuck someone else? Do you think that's healthy? Does that sound healthy to you?"

„Oscar."

„Shit just, shut the fuck up, you asshole!" I shouted to Blair. „You're the reason he's like that and now you can't even be faithful?"

„You're twisting the whole situation right now."

„No I'm not. I'm just telling you how it really is since you're apparently too blind to see it."

„You don't even know the details!"

„I know that Felix's afraid to tell you that he doesn't like it when you go out with someone. I know you're into non-consent. And I know that you can't satisfy Felix, but he can."

„I didn't even lay a damn finger on him since he's impotent," he hissed at me. He stepped up to me, Felix's hand still around his arm, as if he didn't want to let go of him. „You're talking bullshit. Better stop talking before I really get angry."

„Why? Are you gonna hit me again?" I didn't take a single step back. „I'm not scared of you. Go on and punch me. I'm not gonna ignore it like Felix does." Truth to be told, I was scared. I was shaking. And maybe I saw my brother in his face. He was belittling everything, just like David had always done it. I was terrified. But I didn't dare to run away this time. I stood there and looked at him and waited. But he didn't dare to raise his hand against me again, how ever angry he looked, tensed jaw, narrowed brows, unsteady breath.

I watched Felix push Blair softly back into the apartment as if he wanted to protect him from something. Then he looked at me. „Listen," he said in a suddenly firm voice. „I think you're misunderstanding something, Oscar. I don't know what Leon told you, but Blair didn't hurt me. And he would never hurt anyone by intention."

„I don't believe you."

„Blair didn't rape me," Felix said, his voice firm and the way he looked at me scared me. I couldn't see if he was angry or heartbroken. But I was scared he would hate me. I was scared we would never be the same again and I realized that I was very, very jealous of the way he protected his boyfriend. That this was what I wanted with him. Which mixed up with the fury of what I thought Blair had done.

„He mistook me," Felix said then, „for my brother."