Can't I See You One Last Time?

Chapter 27: Truth, Half Truth, or Lie?

Refreshed. Giyuu was refreshed. He got to hug Tanjiro and make sure his life wasn't being threatened in any way.  Though during that time, the problem with Rengoku completely slipped from his mind. Tanjiro was his stress reliever, he made Giyuu forget about all of the problems that were stacked up one on top of another and only focus on his soft, caring voice. Tanjiro didn't know this, but he was the only one who could pull Giyuu out of the dark parts of his mind with a simple 'hello.' A greeting from Tanjiro was all Giyuu needed to have one of his happiest days. It takes little for Giyuu's day to become the best in his life, but that was only when he was with Tanjiro. When the red head leaves Giyuu's line of sight, his mood slowly goes back to it's normal one.

Giyuu had felt that refreshed feeling about five minutes before he was sitting in the dining hall with Shinazugawa to his right and Rengoku in front of them both. Because Giyuu wanted to immediately see his crush, neither Shinazugawa or Giyuu, knew what to tell Rengoku. They had to tell him something that was going to please his ears, but stalling would only make them look suspicious. They could try to lie, but they weren't great at getting on the same wavelength. They had some time because Rengoku had met up with them in the dining hall. The dining room meant that they were going to eat before going into a serious discussion. Eating could take around half an hour if they dragged it out enough. That would only make it a little suspicious or not suspicious at all in Rengoku's eyes. Though, Giyuu was being difficult. Giyuu wasn't doing anything to match Shinazugwa's thoughts. He didn't even try to come up with some lie telepathically. Giyuu was completely closed off and was eating his food with a blank stare. When Shinazugawa had given up getting Giyuu to try to think of something, he sighed and started thinking of things himself. He was thinking that as long as he spoke first and Giyuu caught on, everything might proceed smoothly.

The eating section was over and next came the hard part. Finalizing whether the truth, half truth, or a lie was going to come out of his mouth. Shinazugawa didn't know if Giyuu was going to say anything so he had to decided quick and get words out of his mouth first. The decision had to be made as soon as the last word left Rengoku's mouth.
"Now that everyone has good food in their stomach, mind explaining what that last mission was about? Of course, I'm not forcing you to explain every little thing to me."
No, he did want them to tell him every little detail. Both of the defendants could tell that there was an unusual darkness behind his smile.
"So if you two will...explain."
The last word that left his mouth. Shinazugawa had to have made his decision by now, and coming up with some way of giving Rengoku the explanation. His voice would be the first to enter the conversation, but it wasn't him. Shinazugawa wasn't the first to start his explanation, it was Giyuu. The choice of explanation he decided to give Rengoku was...
"In truth, all of this is my fault."
...the truth with a sprinkle of lies.
"I was selfish and made a decision for the whole Corps. Even though we had already won, I...I couldn't bear the pain of losing everyone. I had no one left. Everyone had died and left me behind during that battle. I know all of you would want at least one of us to live out their life in happiness, but...but all of you were gone...and...I didn't...I didn't know how to live..."
Rengoku was confused. He didn't understand what Giyuu meant. All of the words coming out of his mouth---losing everyone, victory, happy life---Rengoku could understand. He could understand the words, but he did understand one thing. Every word that came out of Giyuu's mouth was dripping with regret, sadness, desperation, confusion, self loathing. If Rengoku didn't understand anything else, he understood that Giyuu was expressing his feelings through words.
"I pleaded to the gods to bring all of you back, but not one of you came. Not one of you graced my dreams with your presence. My dreams were dark, pitch black, a tunnel of never ending darkness. I...I couldn't take it anymore. I..."
The silence was long and water started dripping on the table. Tears had started falling out of Giyuu's eyes, one after another.
"...I didn't want to do it! The world was just so dark and empty without all of you. There wasn't a single light shinning left...so I..."
"Stop, I understand..."
Rengoku couldn't take seeing this side of Giyuu anymore. The vulnerable side of him where his whole heart was exposed. The fresh tears that slid out of his eyes to land on the table, the strong bite on his lip, his shaking figure. The new sight was ground breaking and freaky. An emotional Hashira was always something that made other uneasy.
"You don't have to explain anymore."
Rengoku told Giyuu to stop, but he didn't. His tears kept falling and his words didn't come to an end.
"I just wanted everyone to survive this time. I didn't want to be the only one getting a happy life..."

Giyuu just wasn't stopping. No matter what Rengoku said, even when Shinazugawa stepped in to stop him, Giyuu kept going on with his confession. Tears kept falling out of his red, swollen eyes. Broken words continued to exit his mouth. His body now shaking like a new born fawn. What he was saying was mostly real. The feelings imbued in the words were. The actual words were what he thought would've happened to him if he kept living after the final battle the first time. Giyuu pictured himself trying to live his life out to the fullest, but being surrounded by darkness. He knew that the happy life his most precious people wanted him to live, wouldn't have happened. He knew that even if they would want that, even if he tried his hardest to make it happen, his mood wouldn't have changed. He saw himself being crushed under the weight of the words, "live a happy life," and being pushed of the edge. Giyuu saw himself falling off the cliff because he wanted to live like they would've wanted. He saw his body splatter on the ground as it made contact, and his blood painting the dirt around him red. He imagined himself being found like Shinazugawa was. Dead without a single suicide note. Just his body that had been laying there being eaten by crows and becoming one with the earth. Giyuu was sure that if his first life continued, that was how it would've ended. He would've been living, but would be seeing like the dead until he, himself, died.