After I died

58

Anastasia

Levi was asleep again, at least it looked like it. Hanji had just left the room to talk with the others and try to think of what we will do once we get this plane into the air. Right now, I couldn't exactly care. I just sat there next to the crew bed, Levi was laying in as I held his hand. Then finally... "I can't do this anymore. I'm not getting better. After all this time I thought I got rid of this part of me but it's still there."

I buried my face in my free hand, sighing. "My first solution for problems is still murder, to kill the person who's responsible. This time it was Floch, what if it's someone else one day. Or worse, if he told someone. As long as those numbers are out there, I'll always be a threat. How could I be so stupid? To think I'd ever be more than a killer-" Levi interrupted me, catching me off guard.

"Shut up, love. You are more than that. You're my wife. You're Maggie's mother. Hanji's best friend. A valued and trusted part of this team. This stupid ginger is at fault for what happened back there with those numbers." I know he just wanted to reassure me and he was probably one of three people in the world who could successfully do it but right now... "It's not that.... I was glad when Armin's plan failed. I knew it meant we were all in danger and that my friends might get hurt or worse but I was glad for just a second, because I knew that was my chance to kill Floch."

"He deserved it, he hurt you. Even did so when he died.", Levi said, tracing thunb over the bandaged burns on my skin from the explosion of Floch's thunderspeer. "And who decides that? If he deserved to die?" "Right now? Me." Levi said it so casually that I almost had to laugh. "Still... I have this hatred inside me. I thought it was gone but Floch brought it back. And I know it's not uncommon for people to feel anger or hatred but I have the skills to act on it... I should have more self control."

"Opportunity and ability to kill don't make you a bad person.", Levi said slowly, looking right into my eyes. "If you were such a bad person, why did Floch only die the last second eventho you had several chances?" I stopped for a second, sitting there unmoving. "Well-... the first time, I switched positions with Mikasa so I wouldn't be in a place where I choose Floch's death over the Azumabito's survival.... the second time I went to go help Annie and Reiner and the third time.... I used my last bullet to get a Yaegerist off Mikasa's back."

Levi nodded along like I was saying just what he wanted to hear. "Floch died just when he was an immediat threat to our plan and all our people were in an arguably safe position. That's not how a killer works, love. Look I'm not one for motivation speeches, you gotta ask four eye for one of those but I know who I married and-" The door opened and Armin came in. "We're there. Can you come to get the plane ready?", he asked gently, making sure to keep his voice low in case Levi was still sleeping. That boy really was an angel.

"I'll be there in no time.", I replied with a slight smile, maybe this calm was a bit unfitting for this apocalypse scenario we currently had going on but loosing our minds now wasn't the way to go either so I was glad about all of them not running around like headless chickens. Those were capable people and I'm sure we'd succeed. The titans had probably already reached the Marleyan coast.

Suddenly some old memories came back, I hadn't really taught about my old life in quite some time. I wondered if it had been better back there, if this freedom that I thought to have now was a lie, that had been bound to go down. If this was indeed a punishment for my crimes. Letting me believe I'd be free... finally happy just to take it away again... My gaze fell on Levi as he was slowly getting up from the bed. No.... it couldn't be a punishment. My friends, my husband, they were worth it all. All the cruelty in this world.

"Ana, you're mumbling.", Levi said, as he had finally gotten onto his feet. "Wait, you shouldn't be up. Levi stop this." I was by his side in seconds holding him up. He just huffed. "I'm not gonna lay around doing nohing." He was trying to walk towards the port. "Levi, get your ass back down." He glared at me for a second but then sat back down on the bed. I was by the door when he spoke up again.

"So if this fight is over and what do you guys need me for?", he asked quietly. I sighed, walking back over to him and squatting down. "Levi, I love you. I can't speak for the others but personally, you aren't some soldier, you are my husband. And I need you alive. Please, for what my opinion on this is worth. Stay here." He didn't reply, just looked away so I got up to walk out to Hanji. "This is the one thing I'm asking of you."

Hanji was already standing on the port, with the plane being in a huge hall. "How is it going?", I asked and she gave me a task to work on. Kiyomi explained some things about the plane and I helped Onyankopon getting the thing to work. "Do you know how to fly one of those?" "The planes I've flown were a bit more..... modern. I suppose you don't know what a SU-30 is."

Onyankopon gave me a weird side glance. "This is the most modern there is.", he replied, looking at the dashboard in awe. "You would be amazed what more there is." Onyankopon just shook his head, before explaining how the stuff worked. It was similar to a modern jet but not the same. "Just in case I die and someone else needs to take over.", he then said, finishing his explanation. "I think I understand how it wokrs. Thanks."

Guysssss, I'm so sorry that I haven't been writing lately, but I've been working on a thesis paper for school and it's been taking up most of my time because this thesis paper makes up 50% of my english grade. Now the thesis paper is almost done so I can go back to writing. Love y'all <3