From The Heart <3 (Poems And Short Stories)

Yes, I Do

I feel awful, like waves crashes into the shores violently screaming

What have I done? What do I not do right? Why must I be so pointless?

All I do is make you mad...

I say something wrong, or I don't say anything at all, it isn't enough

My hands and my chest aches, the tears just won't fall, no matter how much I wish they would

I wish I was dead, today was supposed to be my birthday (Jan 17), I'm supposed to be happy

But it doesn't matter anymore

Moments of memories have passed by me, like drifting snow soaked in darkness

I just want to be alone, and drench myself in solitude, let me rest and decay

I'm so useless...

You told me before that I'm like a child, do you know how worthless and belittled I felt?

It's like all I do is something wrong, and you get upset and you go blank and I do the same, it's like a dance

And I sit there awaiting in my head trying to configure how I can do better, trying to not get hurt, what do you do when I turn around? Laugh perhaps?

You don't want to hold my hand anymore, do you? It's to horrid for you, isn't it?

You don't want me... Admit it!

This was all some sort of fantasy, a game to play; one to boring to stay awake and enjoy

I'm to fragile aren't I? I jump at the slightest noise, my skin bruises easily

Just one grip can do it, you don't even have to put much strength into it, I know some men like to leave there marks... Do you?

I can bow and do as you will, I can be the subordinate, I'll do my best not to disobey

Just don't yell... Don't get angry I beg of you

I dont like waking you up, I really don't. It's so stressful it makes me feel sick

I can poke and poke and poke, I can try to tickle, but it doesn't work, I can whisper quietly but it isn't loud enough

I just want to sink into my bed untill there isn't any ground left to lay upon, I'm so tired

This is so hard El! Why does have to be like this, we can joke and laugh; watch movies and hug. But within those moments something gets said

And then one of us proceeds to drift away, and the other is left bewildered

I'm trying...

I really am giving it my all, but I know it isn't enough, what else can I do before I shut down?

I'm sorry, I'm really sorry, you should have set your eyes on someone better

I don't have any strength left in my bones, they've been shaken out by the shadow

Damn this all! Damn it to hell! My days used to be filled with the same patterns and routines, now it's just a scribble on a page

I can do this, I'm going to continue to fight: I'm not going to leave you; I don't want to, not yet, not now, not tomorrow, not next week or next month, I'm still around, aren't I? Is that okay?

Do I bore you?
Do I make you feel bad?
Do I disappoint you?
Do I have permission?
Do I make you hate me?

Am I good enough?
Am I to much?
Am I allowed to like you?
Am I doing okay?
Am I a B*tch?

Do I try hard enough?
Do I mess up to much?
Do I hurt you?
Do I upset you?
Do I need to lose weight?

Am I not pretty enough?
Am I to dirty?
Am I to nervous for you?
Am I an embarrassment?
Am I annoying?

So many insecurities, so many questions I own, do you believe in me?

<3 just. a. vent. - things that were swirling around my head filling it with disdain and nonsense, I needed to discard them before they could eat me alive <3