90 Day Saioumami Challenge

𝟚 - I Pushed You Away because You Deserve Better. ♠️

˜*°•.Chapter Warning.•°*˜

Implied suicide.
Self-hatred/Self-deprecation.

˜*°•.˜*°• ⛓ •°*˜.•°*˜

Rain clinked against the metal gazebo, providing a musical tune as the three boys sat together inside it. Well, not together. Shuichi kept his distance from Rantaro and Kokichi as he stared at the dim park around them. Kokichi sat in Rantaro's lap, curled into the green-haired male's chest as they listened to the rain around them.

They confused Shuichi and made his emotions turn into a jumbled mess inside his heart. He knew he felt some way about them, but didn't know how to process falling in love with two people, especially his two best friends.

Kokichi and Rantaro were in a relationship already, they had been most of the time that Shuichi knew them. They'd made it clear to Shuichi that they wanted him to join their relationship, as they'd both confessed their feelings for their blue-haired friend. However, Shuichi refused to acknowledge the facts and decided to avoid the two people he loved. Shuichi had his reasons, ones that no one else but him needed to understand.

"Can we just not do the chemistry assignment? It's bullshit!" Kokichi groaned with a pout.

"Shuichi, would you want to work with us? We're allowed to work in groups of three," Rantaro reminded the bluenette. They don't want to do the work, they want you to do the project for them, but you're not smart enough.

With a blank stare, Shuichi never broke his gaze from a tree swaying in the wind, leaves fluttering in the freezing breeze. "Stop it." He intended to speak in a normal tone, but Shuichi noticed his voice barely broke a whisper. It seemed strained, yet he couldn't understand why someone else's love and adoration made him upset.

It's because you don't deserve it. No one can truly love you.

"Hmm? Stop what?" Kokichi asked. Shuichi noticed the purple-haired student slip out of Rantaro's lap in his peripheral vision.

"Stop trying to include me," Shuichi clarified. They're doing it because they have to, not because they want to have you around them. His heart squeezed in pain, telling him he was wrong, that his brain wasn't being truthful. The voices inside the bluenette's head grew louder as rain dripped onto his face. At least, he thought it was rain, but Shuichi was undercover, and the liquid was warm against his cheeks. You're an idiot.

"Hey, Shuichi what's wrong? Are you alright?" Rantaro asked, the two shifted within arm's reach of their friend.

"Stop it. We're not friends, so stop," Shuichi sighed, shifting his gaze to the white planks of wood lining the gazebo floor. "I'm just a tagalong, the third wheel that no one wants..." Why am I saying all of this? I've never been so cynical before, so why is my mouth moving without my brain's input? Shuichi, stop, you're just hurting them.

"What...?" Kokichi muttered. The two rarely saw the sensitive male so pessimistic. It was well-known throughout the school that Shuichi was quiet, reserved and panicked when he had to make eye contact with someone, but he never showed his true emotions. Any time he was alone, he cried. Whenever his mind became detached from reality, or things became quiet, the voices became louder and more aggressive.

"We want you around Shuichi, why wouldn't we?" No, they don't. Rantaro reached forward to hug Shuichi but the latter stood up, stepping away from them before collapsing to the ground. Shuichi allowed the tears to burst from behind his eyes, wails erupting from his throat as he gripped his hair in bunches.

"I don't want to be around either of you anymore!" Shuichi screamed out through hiccups. "I'm not going to continue being the annoying third wheel!" If that's what they want, you have to do it. No one cares what makes you happy.

Rantaro locked eyes with Shuichi's despair-filled golden ones, his stare pitiful and sad. "That's not what you are Shuichi. We love you-"

"No, you don't! You can't!" Shuichi cried out, interrupting the other as he broke away from the gaze. He didn't mind the eye contact between them, truthfully, Shuichi could make eye contact with anyone who he felt would never hurt him, including Rantaro and Kokichi. However, he knew it opened up his true feelings and the inner voice would never allow him to know the truth.

"Wh-"

"Neither of you could ever love someone as horrible as me! As stupid, disgusting, annoying, pessimistic and useless as me!" Shuichi continued to spit out the build-up of insults his brain had thrown at him for years on end.

"Hey, hey Shuichi it's going to be okay, just breathe," Kokichi whispered, kneeling next to the wailing boy.

"Don't touch me! Please, just leave me alone!" Shuichi screamed, landing on his ass and scrambling away from the purplette. Leave, before you make things worse you selfish bitch. Ignoring the words of encouragement and empathy from his friends, Shuichi stumbled to his feet and leapt over the gazebo steps. The ground squelched beneath his shoes as Shuichi attempted to start running, the ground slippery beneath him as rain attacked his body.

"Stop!" Rantaro shouted, grabbing Shuichi's wrist. Wow, you can't even leave properly. How pathetic. I know. "Shuichi, count to ten."

Droplets of rain exploded as they slammed into the boys, soaking their hair and uniforms. "One... Two..." Shuichi began counting slowly, taking his time to try and calm his shaking limbs before he could no longer fight for his life.

It was no use.

His mind clouded and his voice ceased counting before he was halfway done. Shuichi stared blankly over Rantaro's shoulder at more trees swaying in the freezing breeze enveloping his goosebump-littered body. "You've never acted like this before," Kokichi whispered, breaking the silence.

"I guess that shows how good I am at deception! You two know nothing about me!" Shuichi screamed, the tears returning as quickly as they'd stopped. That's because you're always lying. Whenever someone asks how you are, you've always pretended to be happy. No one likes a liar.

"Why do you keep pushing us away?" Rantaro asked, keeping his voice collected and glare to a minimum. "We want to be friends at the least, what have we done?" Do you see Shuichi? They think it's your fault. You've done this, you've hurt them.

"I pushed you away because you deserve better!" Shuichi spat as if he were talking about someone he despised with every inch of his being. In truth, he was.

"Shuichi, you're a perfect human, you're amazing!" Kokichi gasped, rushing into the rain to hug the frozen male. "We love you, whether you return our feelings or not!"

"You're an amazing person. There are many things I love about you Shuichi. How smart you are, your kindness and selflessness, your desire to help anyone around you." Smiling, Rantaro locked eyes with the bluenette again, desperation flickering behind his green orbs.

You're a dumbass if you believe that bullshit. Kind? Selfless? No, you're just a pathetic, good-for-nothing bastard. Imagine being retarded enough to think anyone could love you! They're right about one thing, you're amazing. Amazingly useless.

Shuichi soon forgot the kind words uttered from Rantaro's mouth, his mind having replaced them with a twist on the compliments. Shut up, shut up, shut up! "Just shut the fuck up!" Screaming, Shuichi wrenched his arms away from Rantaro's lax grip. "Pretend I don't exist, okay? It'd be better for all of us!"

Taking multiple steps backward in the muddy pits of Earth, Shuichi turned and ran, pushing against his eyes to wipe away his tears and rain clouding his vision. Reaching into his blazer pocket, Shuichi wrapped his trembling fingers around a pre-prepared note, protected from the elements. At least they won't have to pretend soon enough. Go, make it easy for them to forget you.

Noticing a bridge approaching, the boy slowed to a walk, smiling to himself as he gripped the note tighter. "I love you both too."