Im depressed, srry

don't hate existence, do hate existing

I've come to a dilemma. My life is fine. I have friends, although I oft forget they exist.  I have the cutest, softest dogs that I love dearly, and I enjoy my morning outings to get eggs from my chickens. I see so much beauty in the world and I can feel immense joy. (As of recently I've actually been struggling with this part tho...)

But I don't like breathing. Or my heartbeat. Or my flesh prison. Or blinking. Or having skin. It's not that I don't appreciate that these things keep me alive, it's that I sometimes feel physically repulsed by my body going about it's business. I've gone into a panic attack over this. Grr.

I find pretty often that I will be thinking so deeply or get so solidly entrenched in my own thoughts that my body will forget to breathe. I am hilariously bad at existing, apparently. I will feel very uncomfortable and then realize, oh yeah, I'm not breathing am I? And then I have to manually breathe. It is so taxing, and usually brings attention to other bodily functions (such as my heart beating harder to make up for not enough oxygen from not breathing) which up my panic and send me over. It makes me ill.

And food? Yeah, I like food. But I have always been extremely picky; to the point of if I don't like something, then I will. Not. Eat it. That means that any tactic like "you'll eat when you're hungry" does not work on me. I and my body would rather starve than eat something icky. It's kind of a problem, especially when I have to eat but nothing sounds good enough to get past that barrier.

And speaking of eating, sometimes I will like something! But then the physical motion and experience of chewing? Swallowing? Nuh-uh, I won't have it. I would rather not. Which is not good for my health, apparently. Grr.

Like, overall I'm getting better, I'm thinking better, I'm doing better, but it's really hard to appreciate how far I've come when basic human necessities can overwhelm me. Don't even get me started on going to the bathroom. That one caused some problems in my childhood... I still remember the taste of prunes.

Also, it's kind of hilarious how different my counselor and I are. For example, sometimes she'll ask what I was thinking that might've caused me to feel someway. Thing about me though is I, especially when overwhelmed, do not think in words! Abstract ideas get thrown into a lil saucepan in the back of my brain, and I don't see those again until they bubble over and I suddenly have words to describe it. I am definitely not processing fast enough to think words in the moment.
It's also funny that she takes some of my metaphors literally. Like, she gets confused about whether I visualize what I'm doing while I'm doing it (i.e. throwing ideas in the pot). Thing is, I have to come up with those metaphors after the fact to describe my thought process to her, since I don't have words. So assuming that I imagine tossing things into a pot everytime I come across new information seems silly to me. Especially cause that would take a similar amount of energy as thinking in words. Idk.

I just feel so worn out by daily human activity (eating, breathing, blinking, thinking, going to the bathroom, maybe a shower if I'm lucky) that I don't have any energy to take care of bigger things anymore. My anxiety has lessened, but apparently that might've been a coping mechanism to deal with... Being human. So that's not great.