Im depressed, srry

heyyyyy

Happy pride month y'all 🌈🌈🌈

smol review;

asexual - lack of sexual attraction to any gender

aromantic - lack of romantic attraction to any gender

panalterous - an attraction that is more than just platonic, but less than romantic, towards all genders (or lack thereof).

tis be my orientations folks 👌

lemme just say though, being an ace/aro pan is really tough sometimes.

the hardest part is that i cant reciprocate sexual attraction. i cant reciprocate romantic attraction. but i care so much for the person, in my own broken way, that being without them is unbearable. for them though, being with me, and not receiving the love that they need, is just as unbearable. and its all my fault.

for example, i have a friend that is a girl who has admitted to having a big crush on me. and shes wanted to do romantic things with me (refer back to "story tiiiiiime" for a refresher) that i haven't been able to reciprocate.
for some reason, as time has gone on and we've been together as friends, her feelings for me have only grown. this may sound like bragging, or puffing up my ego, but I have two reasons for coming to this conclusion.

1.shes started to want things from me more often. not like money or something, thats not what i mean. every time i see her, she wants to hold hands, or snuggle, or do romantic couple things. she didnt use to always want this much attention, and as an aro person ive been struggling to keep up and not fall behind.

2.she has started to look at me differently. like, every time i see her eyes, theyre filled with some sort of emotion i find hard to describe. its deep, and full of meaning, but im not sure ill ever be able to look at her the same way. it scares me. I'll never be able to make her happy the way she deserves to be.

i can act romantic-ish for only a little bit at a time. i can talk all lovey-dovey and stuff and hold hands with someone who sees it as romantic attraction (though i just see it as alterous) and basically impersonate the actions of someone who gets crushes and romantic attraction and all that. i can fill their needs halfway.

however, it takes a toll on me. i feel like im acting these things out, pretending to have feelings that i dont really have to make the person feel loved. i feel trapped, like i dug my grave and am obliged to lie in it. it gets harder and harder to pretend, especially as the person receiving my affection shows more and more love that i cannot understand. their feelings get stronger and i feel terrible, because i led them on. i made them think that i could love them the way they love me, but i cant.

how do i cope, you may ask?

i dont.

i pull away instead.

i pull away so much that the person whod been getting my attention doesnt feel loved enough. i stop responding to texts as often. i cant keep our conversations as long as they used to be. my feelings for them dont change, but my act is up. and they have to turn to others that can reciprocate their feelings to get the love they need.

and im in the back.
alone.
guilty.
broken.
useless.
but at least they're happy again.

i cant ever break it off, even if ive stopped acting romantic. i cant just cut all ties and go "oh sorry, i just like you as a friend". i cant do that to them.

this is where my being panalterous comes in. when im acting romantic towards someone, its not to get something from them or to use them for my own benefit. i genuinely care about these people. i want to be in a queerplatonic relationship with them, to live with them and take care of them and make them happy. but these people, the people i love in my own broken way, need more than just an alterous partner. they need their feelings to be reciprocated. they need to feel real love. something i cant offer. all i can give is a broken reflection of it.

the hardest part is how much i care for these people. i cant make them happy. i cant make anyone happy. do you know how much that hurts?

it's like, say you have a crush on someone. they don't feel the same way, so being with them won't ever make them happy. but you love them. you love them so much that you are willing to do anything to make them happy.

including letting them be free to love and be loved by someone else. every day, you see them with another person that makes them so much happier than they could ever be with you. but you still love them. and everyday, it feels like a punch to the gut.

thats what it feels like, with every single person ive fallen in (my broken version of) love with. i havent met a single person whos needs ive been able to fill.

its so hard. and it hurts so much.

but thats just how it is, i guess.

wow that was not fun. sorry. uh. i hope youre having an amazing pride month, that youre lucky in finding love, and ur having a good day. yaaaaay?

lol im bad at picking up the mood
sorry
uh bye