i don't get crushes
i don't want a partner
i don't want a friend with benefits
i don't want any of those things
but I'm so starved for love
i want someone to care
to hug
to cry with
to be with all the time
to want to be with me all the time, too
i get jealous so easy of my friends
either because they have what i dont have
or because they dont feel that way about me
i dont want the relationship
but i want the closeness
i have a need for it
that only people who expect that relationship
understand enough to give
but then they want from me physical closeness
which they deserve
but i cant give it to them
i cant be a good girlfriend
because i don't understand it
i want to learn, to understand
but im so drained
tired
like a low battery
that wont charge
and then suddenly does
and is fine
just to burn low again
and be snuffed out
if i cant recharge
i hate who i am
who im becoming
i fear my friends wont like me anymore
that my new dogs will die like marshmello did
that i cant be enough
i cant ever be enough
im afraid of gaining weight
and ive lost weight again without trying
but im also afraid of loosing too much
of feeling weak all the time
like i already do
im afraid of never being someone to be proud of
im afraid of being numb
and confused
because i find myself numb and confused and hurtful to myself way too often
but im afraid to feel, too
im so afraid
i try to drown out the world in music
and my mom thinks it causes the problem
im afraid of her never understanding
the music is a result of my feelings
not a cause
it helps me block out the feelings
then
im not numb
but im not feeling either
and as soon as the music stops
im left to my fears
the thoughts that gnaw at me
the unshed tears that burn my throat, but i won't let them leave
the fakeness i feel
all the time
because i don't make sense
so i must be faking it
its not real
i made it up
i feel like sometimes
i make myself hurt
just to pretend
that somethings wrong
even if i know its not
and im faking it
and that hurts
and i cant tell if that feeling
is true
or false
if im faking
or not
i dont want to feel
i dont want it
i dont want it
i dont want to be fake
i dont want to be numb
i dont want to cry
i dont want to hurt
i dont want to be confused
i dont want to be full
i dont want to be fat
or feel strange
because i havent eaten
i dont want to let down my friends
i dont want mom to hate me
or dad
i dont want to be sad
or lonely
or hurtful
or ignorant
or angry
or alone
i dont want to be less than perfect
i dont want to be lazy
I dont want to be ugly
i dont want to be a girlfriend
or a lover
i dont want my friends to leave me
i dont want to die
but i dont want to live
YOU ARE READING
Im depressed, srry
عشوائيdont read if youre prone to grammatical errors, depression, the like. if anyone wants me to mark this as mature i will, but the only thing to be wary of is sad thoughts i was gonna put humor for the genre, to be ironic, but i dont want someone who's...
