Im depressed, srry

and now, an update

I've just gotten done rereading this whole book cuz I forgot what all I've told y'all. So, lemme reintroduce myself! After like...two years, sorry.

I'm nameless, I'm AroAce and Omnialterous (the Omni is the new part). I still haven't been in any relationships, but I have gone on dates now, and they haven't caused panic attacks! Wonderful! Probably because my counselor and I worked through something in my childhood that apparently was traumatizing, which harmed my view of other people.

I've been diagnosed with Conversion disorder w/ pseudo seizures. This apparently means that my body converts phycological emotions into physical issues. That's my zombie/zone outs/Catatonia. Fun fact, when catatonic I can walk (if someone pulls me along, and I'll walk eerily in step with them) and skate-walk (this one's harder) (if they let go of me while leading I'll slow to a stop in mid stride. Freaks ppl out lol)

I've been diagnosed with depression (obv) and am now taking anti-depressants. They're working super well and I'm super lucky they work w my body chemistry. I still struggle with bad thoughts, and I now know what intrusive thoughts are, but they're a lot easier to deal with when I don't have to handle overwhelming emotions 24/7. They also help w preventing catatonic episodes since it's me turning emotions physical :)

I've been diagnosed with a panic disorder, and I still have panic attacks, but not as often. I have medicine for that, too. I usually only panic when I'm overstimulated/when my heart beats too loud, or when the pressures and vast issues of the world make themselves apparent, and I feel powerless.

And! Most recently! Drumroll please...

I've been diagnosed with autism!! And depending on how much you know of that, it may seem like a bad thing, but I promise it's not :D and actually, Im the one who convinced my counselor and psychiatrist to look further into it and I'm going to a psychological evaluation to double check. It took two straight years of research on autism to get me where I am, and it explains so much. My whole diagnosis is Autism Spectrum Disorder w/o intellectual disability, w/ Catatonia.
Going through this book, I've been able to put a lot of names to things I didn't understand. Such as not talking when I get overwhelmed! It's called going non verbal, and I can communicate other ways when it happens (ASL, gestures).
Feeling like I was putting on different faces throughout every day? Textbook masking behavior! And now that I know what it is, I can decide when it's useful and when it's not. I can give myself accommodations that prevent me from burning out or suffering all the time. Also, I've been able to give myself time to learn about who I am, what I like, and my true personality. It ended up that I kind of didn't have one solid personality (not did/osdd, I've checked) because I was constantly putting up a front. I got to recognize that and slowly let myself bring the walls down (around trusted ppl obv) and build up a personality of my very own. I still have to front sometimes, but now it's more out of pretending I know what people are talking about than hiding my feelings. (Also, I've discovered some reasons why I act super innocent. 1; it sets low expectations, so if I don't understand a simple social exchange, people think "aw so naive" instead of "wh? Strange and unusual". 2; it was how I got things I wanted when I was little. Being the oldest, I was always competing with a baby to get my needs met. 3; tiny things are superior. Tiny spoons, stuffies, toys, food. Love em. Always have.)
My panic attacks may be more along the lines of an autistic meltdown or shutdown, but that'd take more looking into that I haven't gotten to yet.
Learning about myself through learning about other autistic people has been so life changing for me! Learning about things in general is super fun.
I'd love to answer questions about being autistic if anyone has any they'd like to share :3

Now into family relations. Rereading this book, I forgot how frustrated and upset I used to be towards literally my entire family. It makes sense though, since when one is very overwhelmed it is easy to lose one's temper or have a shorter fuse.
My relationship with my sister has improved greatly. I still don't like hugging her, but we have tons of inside jokes and she tells me all about all the fanfiction she's read. Overall I've gotten better with touching, thanks to the puppies and being less overstimulated. We do hand shakes and fistbumps and high fives, and when she's feeling really upset I'll offer the rare hug. We're a lot healthier with each other, and we share a room again so she can go get mom if I'm having a particularly bad time. I love making her laugh, it's hilarious. And sometimes we'll just look at each other cuz we have the same ideas.
She also helps me with our parents. I've been learning a lot about gentle parenting (not to be confused with passive parenting), which has helped us help them. I'm way closer to mom, and we understand each other a lot better and I can communicate way better with her. Dad on the other hand is still a little difficult. He's better, too, though. He very rarely threatens violence anymore, and he's a little nicer. He tries not to cause anymore panic attacks (tho his snarky hypocritical comments really ruffle my feathers). I'm working on him. Gotta train him like a puppy with the emotional resilience he wasn't taught as a child. Tis a process. Not my job, but eh.
I'm trying to be more patient with my littlest sisters, but overstimulation is not on my side.

Let's see... What else has changed...
Oh! I have a job! It's for my aunt, and she's her own boss of her small business, so my hours are super flexible, which I need. I get to work alongside her and her dogs, and I'm learning how to be productive for hours at a time. I may not ever be good at that, but we'll see. I'm dealing with wondering if I'll ever be independent. My eating.. um.. well, I've gotten better with the restrictive intake, and got my weight back and a little extra. Problem is I have high cholesterol, so I have to watch what I eat. Other problem is that I still have the not-hungry or the won't-eat-if-not-a-safe-food. So I may have Arfid. So I have to figure that out. I may never live on my own, and I'm trying to change or come to terms with that.