Im depressed, srry

Debate

this chapter has a lot of orientation mumbo jumbo, so feel free to skip if you have no idea what im talking about.

so right now i'm piecing together my identity, as many people do when they're confused about who they are and/or want to be.

also, i mentioned this at the end of the chapter "worry".

i now know I'm Asexual, because I've never felt that desire for someone in my life. not even when i had a crush. it took me lots of time to come to this conclusion though.

however, i'm super confused about romantic orientations. i'm not completely sure i've ever felt romantic attraction. then again, im not reallh sure what romantic attraction is.

i do know that i dont really like kissing. ive never been kissed, but i dont ever want to be, either. as little me would have said, "it looks yucky." fyi, im not a child or tween so im not being immature, i just dont know how else to put it.

what else does a romantic relationship entail? it kinda sounds like those hallmark movies. they make me seriously cringe and if i was ever in those situations, i would die of anxiety and embarrassment. no kidding, i would hide in a hole.

also, i can't understand love at first sight. you've never even known this guy and you say you want to date him? you havent even seen him interact with his friends! what if he's a jerk!? (im talking about love at first glance, not at first encounter in case you were getting offffended a wee bit there)

im not totally against hugging in a relationship, and cuddling doesnt sound too bad if i know them really well and trust them. for instance, i wouldnt mind cuddling with my girl best friend, but the idea of cuddling with anyone else (since im not nearly as close to anyone else) honestly makes me uncomfortable and scared. and i mean like hug-cuddling. no kissing or other touching. i cant see myself kissing anyone.

im seriously looking at my crush in elementary school under a microscope right now. i can't figure out if i was romantically attracted to him or not. i couldn't ever see myself kissing him, but i could (back then, not so much now since we're not as close) see us cuddling or leaning in eachother.

its so confusing!!

not to mention theres the guy who confessed to me. im pretty sure he's expecting a lot more out of a relationship with me than im willing to give, and im not looking forward to the day he tries kiss me because i dont want that to happen.

ughughghg