Im depressed, srry

parents

i guess i dont have it as bad as other people... but i still dont like my situation. (lots of reading and rants ahead. also sensitive subjects like the title and family)

my parents are both alive, not divorced, i was born after their marriage, they dont fight, and they've been married for almost 20 years.

not too bad.
but the grass is always greener.

i couldve had an older sibling, but my mom miscarried her first pregnancy.

my dad loves my mom more than he loves my sisters and i.

he never gets our names right.

he always wanted a son named gideon.

i think he would give us up for sons.

he works until 5 or 6 usually, so i only pay attention to him at 5 when im half asleep or on weekends when he makes us clean

ive had countless panic attacks because of him. he doent hurt me super bad, but he hits me once and it hurts enough to get me in a fit (sometimes he just yells loud enough and i cant breathe right)

my mom usually goes out to buy groceries or pick up my sisters from school so i dont pay attention to her either

sometimes we get in really long talks that could end well with mutual understanding or a fight that involves me getting really depressed (but i suppress my feelings so i feel like crying but dont, or get super angry but dont show it and feel like killing myself)

this one time i got suuuuper depressed and i slept on the top bunk of a bunkbed, and i nearly jumped off. i accidentally did something else that i was super afraid of facing my parents about (going on my phone at night) so i felt really mentally unstable and spilled to my mom, which ended up with my phone never ever allowed in my room  (to this day) and a long talk with tears that didnt help a single bit, and me feeling super horrible anyways.

my mom tells my dad everything  (which reeeally stressed me out about spilling my guts to her)

my dad hates it when i hold a grudge against him by not talking for days when he causes a panic attack (do u know how much my lungs hurt after that?) and i think he overall wants me to talk to him more but im horrible at letting things go.

i really dont like my sisters. im the oldest, and i guess one of thems okay, but the other two are the most annoying creatures on earth. (i do not mean any offense to anyone with older siblings, and i'm not saying that all older siblings hate the younger ones.)

also, my parents wont let me:
watch youtube
post on here (shhhh)
group date until im 16
go on single dates until 18 (more flexible with this one)
curse (idc it keeps up my innocent face)
watch bad pg13 movies
probably read 93% of the books in my wattpad library (yandere, etc)
watch horror movies (like...why?!)
go on electronics past nighttime
say filler words (not curse words exactly)
do ANYHTING past nighttime
drink caffeine (dont wanna anyways)

etc, etc, etc.

did I mention that they're helicopter parents?

yeah.

uggggggghhhhhhhhhhh