Im depressed, srry

relate/"panic attck"

its scary when you can't relate to people.

for example, my "panic attacks"

so when I'm bored, sometimes i go to youtube.

and sometimes i end up on the mental health side of it.

a few times, I have watched videos of panic attacks out of curiosity. what are other people's panic attacks like?
well from what ive seen, the majority of panic attacks look the same. now ive never taken a video of my panic attacks, so I don't know exactly what it looks like, but mine seem different.

theirs seem to majorly happen in their heads. if that's the case, then im having attacks way more often then I thought. but my "panic attacks" start in my head. and then spreads to my chest. I can't focus on anything through the thoughts, but what makes it all worse is my breathing.

whenever I cried when I was little, I would get hiccups. Kinda. they weren't like my normal hiccups at least. More like.. when im breathing in, my breath hitches. my first round of crying, I wouldn't hiccup. though once I calmed down, sometimes I would start crying again (though quieter) for no reason I could think of. then I'd hiccup every time I breathed in. every time i would calm down, id get worked up again and another hiccup would add onto the previous one. this would go on until either I eventually fully calmed down, or my mom would help because I was too loud or i could come out of my room after a timeout.

now when im having a "panic attack", my little 'hiccups' turn into all I can do. I can't breathe. they become bigger, and jerk my body up and down, even when i hold my breath to stop the sound that it makes. though when i try to quiet them, they come back faster and stronger. I want to scream so desperately, so I scream silently out loud while my throat is getting torn up in my mind. that sentence may not make much sense, but I don't know how else to put it.

this one time, I accidentally laughed while drinking hot cocoa. I started choking-like legitimately couldn't breathe for a few seconds. While my lungs kept spasming, my only thought was, " wow, this feels so calm ". as I sputtered and coughed (im fine now, and not planning on choking again) i subconsciously compared it to my attacks and found that at least I could focus on things around me calmly.

Though maybe I was in shock. Idk.

But anyway, no one else seems to come with every breath they try to take. They don't make as much noise as I do, or they got better at being quiet. Theirs don't look as... violent as mine feel.

So maybe what i experience aren't panic attacks at all.

But I have no idea what they would be then.

And I don't want to make my parents pay to find out, they give up enough money for me already.

so I guess i'll just have to endure whatever it is.

who knows? maybe it'll go away on its own.

the one thing i hate about my attacks is how much my body feels like it needs it. my attacks, no matter how much they make my stomach hurt, give me a way out. a way to escape almost fully into my brain. but then it gets worse, I can't breathe right, I can't think, and all i want is for it to be over. then it is, and then my lungs hurt, and then im more prone to anxiety for about a week and I despise it again.

But I don't even know what it is.