Im depressed, srry

discover

so last night i had this pretty bad breakdown cuz i have to go to a camp soon with the friend-group-that-excludes-me-from-everything and ive been on edge a lot lately.

my mom actually caught me before i started hyperventilating. it was kinda nice to not completely break down, but throughout a whole spilling-my-guts-to-her session, i lost track of what was going on in my head and what i was actually telling her because the voices were going on at the same time as my mouth. i think i told her that? idk.

though maybe i shouldn't call them 'voices'? cuz its just my voice thinking multiple strands of things i dont wanna think. idk what to call it then.

anyway, throughout the whole thing i was on the very edge of breaking down and that hurt a bunch.

i even told her about all the times i tried to hurt myself. i was trying to remember when the noise in my head started. there was this one time in fourth grade when i got rlly upset at something and i dug my fingernails into my arms. for some reason, the teacher looked horrified back then. i still can't figure out exactly why.

then there were other times when i was little and got mad at myself, i'd sit with my sleeves and pantlegs rolled up and turn the fan on and freeze. i think it'd make me stop thinking, actually.

then there was a time in sixth grade when i had a rlly bad night and i sat on the edge of my top bunk and had to talk myself out of jumping off. the main reason i could come up with was it would only break my bones, not kill me. then i cried because that was the best i could come up with.

then, more recently i sometimes put the water on hot and put a limb or two under it till they go numb. she asked if i do it on purpose, and since i cant rlly think strait in that mindset (the one where i do the water thing) i told her i dont know. im not sure if thats the truth, but thats as close as i can get.

i even spilled about the time i had to talk myself out of cutting! my reason for not doing it was it was like a papercut, which i hate. it just bleeds more. (i told her that part two)

i also told her about how i cant understand concepts everyone else seems to understand. like what 'love' or 'forgiveness' actually means. she tried telling me bug in the middle dad came in and we lost sight of the subject.

i dunno. i think there were other things i was gonna tell her, but i said them too much in my head.

though today i woke up with a sore throat, so maybe it wasn't such a great thing. idk. whatever.

i dont think she can help though.