Im depressed, srry

worry

im worried about whatever's going on between me and the boy that confessed. rn i know that he likes me, and I've told him that i like him.

im worried if
1.) i dont actually like him (i think i do but im afraid that I'm just trying to say what i think he wants to hear and don't actually have feelings for him)
2.) he doesnt actually like me
3.) his feelings just rebounded onto me (he had a gf, but all i know is that he was single on v day)
4.) he's using me for validation
5.) I'm using him for validation (i don't think i am?)
6.) he's only saying what he thinks i want to hear (I'm such a hypocrite sorry)
7.) i'll hurt him somehow (i really don't want to, but i can't read minds)
8.) once he learns more about me he'll be disgusted
9.) he doesn't like me, he just wants to be liked (ugghh i sound hypocritical again sorry)
10.) i'll mess up my view of myself (more than it is) by being with him
11.) breaking sound rules that i set for myself (i already broke the holding hands rule (i told him it was a rule so he respected it which I'm happy about) and i don't want to break other rules to make him happy and end up ruining my future and myself)

and ive been overall uncomfortable and on edge. less so since i told him the rules, but i still have those really bad days that partially have to do about worrying mysrlf over him.

but i don't want to do anything to hurt him, so ive kinda cornered myself.

the only way to make this worse is to make him a bad person or add someone else into the mix.

why is life so complicated ughhhh

-this also brings up another question I've been dealing with. my sexuality.

i know that i only like men, but i haven't ever liked anyone like i did cherry (he's in the chapter "crush"). all the other things i'd felt had just been me mistaking wanting friendship vs. an actual relationship with them.

even then, i never, even once, wanted an intimate relationship with him.

so i thought i was demiromantic (i didnt have legitimate crushes, even if i thought i did until i knew them for years)

and demi/heterosexual (i liked boys, but didnt necessarily want an intimate relationship with them)

but now I've been wondering... am I actually asexual? i have never in my life wanted an "intimate" relationship. ever. maybe i will one day? but then i wouldn't actually be asexual, I'd just be demisexual but wouldn't have known it.

I'm so confused!
(and please correct me if you understand these things more or i got something wrong relating to sexualities, because I'm grasping at straws here.)

(and im really sorry if i confused or offended you, i seriously didn't mean to)